{ cold medicine mafia }

February 6, 2011 § 1 Comment

So that herbal tea, yeah didn’t do a damn thing so I’m taking my chances and bringing out the big guns. Sweet nectar of the cold gods otherwise known as Pseudoephedrine. Unfortunately ever since the link between it and meth labs it is easier to walk out of Wal-Mart with a handgun than it is with a box of cold medicine.

You have to go to the pharmacy as you look longingly at the empty spot on the shelf where it used to be. Everybody else in this line is after the very same thing, how can you tell? First of all everyone looks like the Walking Dead, they have Kleenex stuffed in their sleeves and are coughing like an 80 year old smoker. You can see the magical drug kept behind the counter and for added measure they keep it behind bullet proof glass, literally piles of Vicodin are by the cash register but by all means keep the cold medicine on lock down.

So this little old lady in front of me asks for the cold medicine, fills out what seems to be more paperwork than I had at my surgery and then the phone lights up. As the pharmacist talks to who ever is on the other end they quickly turn from a delightful helpful person into a FBI profiler “Why do you need this?”, “When’s the last time you bought this?” “How many boxes have you already bought this year?” and then the scary thing they had a complete file on her “Do you care to explain why you bought a box of this same cold medicine last year around the same time at a different grocery store?” OH, crap they even know what you are doing at other stores in other states (just typical our government can’t work together but a Target in Florida knows exactly when you bought something from a Walgreens in Pennsylvania). What’s next she gets taken away with the men in black suits off to see if they can find the location of her meth lab?

It’s my turn. Do I get to pass the checkpoint to nasal freedom? They give you a whole form you have to fill out and I shit you not there is an essay question. Yes my friends an essay question, which reads something like this-Please explain in 300 words or less why you are buying this product today. Mine went something like this: I FEEL LIKE CRAP, IF I FELT ANYMORE LIKE CRAP I THINK I WOULD ACTUALLY BE CRAP, HELP ME. So after that a background check, fingerprint analysis and the promise of my first born (ha, ha jokes on them suckers) I now am permitted to buy one box of sweet relief. “Oh wait it says here you already bought a box about a month ago” Yeah, I say my boyfriend was sick “Well I’m sorry, no Sudafed for you” and with that it’s back to grass and twig tea.

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