{ i’m surrounded by Boobs, literally }

February 2, 2012 § 4 Comments

So when you have a hysterectomy you think you have outsmarted your own body. You think when you take out your uterus there’s no where for your body to grow weird things however just like in Jurassic Park, nature finds a way. One of the things they tell you when you start taking estrogen is that you need to make sure you are vigilant about giving yourself breast exams which I’m fine with but the way they tell you is a little odd; “Make a night out of it. Draw a hot bath, put on some nice music and bring some wine in their with you” Umm, do I really need to get my own self in the mood for a breast exam. I mean seriously, I would never let anyone touch me without at least a nice dinner first, not even myself.

Needless to say on one of these “date nights” I discovered something, at first I was hoping it was a rouge Milk Dud that somehow got lost under my shirt but then I remembered I would never let a Milk Dud get away. In a classic Me move I decided to ignore it for a month and hoped it went away. It didn’t. So I was on my way to a brand new doctors office solely dedicated to breasts.

First when you enter a place that only deals with boobs you wonder how big can it possibly be, I mean how many jobs around boobs can there be? The answer, a whole hell of a lot. The waiting room was a bit weird it was decorated like a mountain lodge complete with a fireplace, keurig coffe maker and magazines about bird watching. I so often think to myself “what would make this lump in my boob less scary? Smores! Yes perfect and hopefully a moose sighting”. I sign the sheet and then get asked “Who discovered the lump?” I did. “Did you personally or someone else?” What do you mean by someone else? “Did your boyfriend or husband discover it ?” (What kind of men has she been dating my boyfriend wouldn’t notice if I had a ham sandwich in my chest, when he sees boobs that’s it.) “Or possibly a friend?” (Seriously what kind of orgies does she think I am having. Hey you want to come over for a girls night? We can watch chick flicks, eat ice cream and of course feel each other up. I mean what kind of porn films is she watching)

I take my little clipboard to my seat and there is a terrifying picture on the bottom. It’s a woman with 6 breasts and it says mark below where you are having the problem. Not much shocks me since my hysterectomy & menopause but I start thinking to myself, is this why I have had so many ex boyfriends because I only have two boobs. What if I have been a medical freak all these years with my two boobs amongst all these 6 breasted women, or did I get the alien or circus freak form. So I go up to the desk and this is here actual explanation and if you can follow this you are smarter than me “Ok well it’s quite simple mark the two center ones if the problem is in the center quadrant of your breast or if you have only one breast, the next two you would mark if you have had implants or your pain is in the outer four corners. Mark the outer two if your pain is under your arm pits, the growth moves or if you had surgery in any of the areas. Got it” Umm sure. So I circled the whole illustration and sat down.

After reading the newest issue of Bluebird monthly it is time for my mammogram and a delightful technician who keeps telling me that people my age always do their breast exam wrong because we have naturally lumpy breasts takes me back. Just as I am about to step into the machine she sniffs the air and glares at me “are you wearing deodorant?” Of course, I’m not homeless. “You can’t wear deodorant during a mammogram!” (so this machine sometimes misses cancer but it doesn’t miss speed stick?) We do the standard mammogram, while she says “At your age were not going to find anything” They do. So then we move on to the more invasive mammogram (really there’s one thats worse) So I stand sideways with my arms in the air  while she says “This is a more accurate test and at your age nothing will show up” It does. So we move onto the most invasive mammogram they have, you put your boob into a cut out of a circle, put your arms in the air and then in presses and starts to turn and twist (ok seriously now your just making this shit up, there’s no way this is a test. and then I think to myself if a man had to do this there would be no way it would still be done like this but I must admit it was giving me some satisfaction to think about some guy with his testicles in this torture device) I am brought back to reality by her saying “With this test at your age I’m sure we’ll find nothing” They did.

I am taken back to get a sonogram, where I meet, drum roll please……… the woman with no personality. She asks me what the scar on my breast was from and I say I had a fibroid removed and she tells me “No you didn’t breasts can’t have fibroids” Um well that’s what it says on my chart. “Well they are wrong.” Ok. We sit in silence only for it to be broken by the words “At your age there’s probably nothing to worry about and the doctor won’t even see you today” She did. The tech goes to get the doctor while I look at the machine that she just operated and I swear to good t looks like something Leap Frog sells to children. No wonder this woman has no personality she got her degree from Fisher Price. There are three big buttons on the machine one with a disk on it, one with a piece of paper and the hugest button has a picture of a snowflake. So we have Save, Print and Freeze and that’s it, oh wait there is the cord that plugs into the wall.

I meet with the doctor who tells me there is a lump and with my history it could be a bunch of things or just a fibroid (at the word fibroid I glare at the tech who is oblivious) but I was going to have to meet with a surgical oncologist for a second opinion and surgery options. She gives me a referral and says the following “Now make sure you get her and no one else at her office” Why? “Because she’s the office nipple expert” (that is what one of my creepy co-workers calls himself,too)

Off to the nipple expert, to be continued…………………………



Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

§ 4 Responses to { i’m surrounded by Boobs, literally }

  • Last year I found a lump in my left breast, on the outside. I think that I am pretty lucky to have the doctor that I have. She got me right into have a breast ultrasound (they figured I was too ‘young’ for a mammogram). So I had it, and the tech looked a bit baffled. And then came in the SUPER HOT doctor (yes, please, touch my breast!), and he looked puzzled. My doctor came in and all three of them conversed almost like I was not there. “THE BREAST HAS VERY WAFFLE-Y TISSUE, IT IS VERY DENSE”. Wait, uhhhhhhh. It was explained to me that because I have lost a significant amount of weight that I lost breast fat, making the tissue very dense. Waffle-y. Apparently the combination of ‘that time of the month’, caffeine, and my birth control can cause cysts. Painful cysts. While I am glad I didn’t have cancer (although I kind of wish they had done a mammogram even though your description sounds painful) their genius medical cure is to not to drink caffeine. Right. Sure. I will work on that. In the mean time I can’t actually touch my breasts or have them bounce without pain about 10 days out of the month. Sometimes I think people are idiots. Especially doctors. I will send many healing vibes your way for a good turn out for you.

  • littletoad1 says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your story It does seem so frustrating that they seem to brush of any problems because of age. I know this was a huge stumbling block to getting my hysterectomy. But I am also sending some positive vibes your way and hope for a healthy future
    PS if they told me to give up caffeine there would have been one unhappy tech:)

  • Red Nelly says:

    Sorry to hear you found a lump – that’s really scary. But they way you describe all the tests is so hilarious! – I couldn’t help laughing right through your post… I feel bad but at the same time I’m still giggling about picture of the woman with 6 boobs. All the best, Nelly x

  • Michelle says:

    So sorry to hear you’re having more health issues. As someone who’s been there (twice) I can totally relate to what you’re going through. Nothings as scary as thinking you may have cancer. As someone with a high propensity for breast cancer in her family (my grandma and all three of her sisters have had it) I was always told to do a self check. The first time my dr told me it was nothing to worry about, just some fatty tissue…um…thanks?…as a scared 16yo who had to be signed out of her chemistry class to go to the dr for this I was at least glad it was nothing. The second time I wasnt overly concerned because of the reaction to the first time, great, more fatty tissue I think. However, I’d now moved on from my awesome pediatrician (yeah, i saw her till i was 18, don’t judge me…lol) and now saw a dr who I swear mustve been sued for malpractice in the past because she was the most paranoid person I met when it came to my personal health issues (and i have a lot, unfortunately) So she gets all concerned, and tells me she wants me to see (and I kid you not, this is how she phrased it) “a special boob dr” yup, sounds great, sign me up. Now, this was just before or right after I’d turned 21, can’t remember which, but I was told that until I had my appt with the “boob expert” I had to stop drinking coffee…I’m sorry, what?? and I was blessed with over a week until my appt. NOT a happy camper.

    So as someone who was nervous about the whole exchange, I made sure that my “boob dr” was a woman. What happens when I get there? She has a student working with her and she has him complete the initial questions etc before I even meet her. So this super cute guy (who thankfully was married, I dont know why that makes me feel better, but it does) comes in and I was put a bit at ease from the fact that he was more embarrassed by it than I was. Seriously dude, you want to be a dr, and an oncologist specializing in breast health and you can barely make it through the questions without looking like your face will burst into flames. The dr finally comes in and doesnt even ask if its ok if the guy stays for the breast exam, and i was too embarrassed to ask for him to leave. There goes my cautious request for a female dr, instead I get to listen to her ongoing play-by-play while shes checking things out. She did at least ask my permission for him to be able to feel it and see what it was like. um, thanks? I remember my only thought at this point was, “this is not how I thought the first time a guy feels my breast would go…” Anyway, she believes its probably nothing, but wants me to go get a mammogram to make sure.

    So here I go to the imaging center where the lady who calls me to the desk after I’d signed in does a double take and tells me there must be another Michelle, because this person was here for a mammogram. Yeah, I know I say, thats me. No, I’m sorry, she says, I think you must be confused. At which point she asks to see my prescription and checks it out twice, before asking to see my id so she could verify it was actually written for me. REALLY? who voluntarily comes in for this? she asks me to have a seat and 2 min later I see her on the phone. Is she really calling my dr to double check this? yup apparently, cause she gets off the phone and calls me back and gives me directions. The tech doing the test also double checks the reason I was there, thinking I got lost and found the wrong room. I would not wish a mammogram on anyone, it hurt like crazy, and I remember having the same thought. “a guy must’ve come up with this cause theres no way a woman decided the best way to check for cancer was to see if we could squeeze hard enough to get a good picture. You think they do this when looking for testicular cancer, heck no…you’d probably lose your medical license for simply suggestion it…” I can’t even imagine there are two more that are more invasive/accurate. OUCH. Hope everything is ok. Despite the seriousness of your situation your posts always manage to make me laugh. Glad you’re able to keep your sense of humor through it all!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

What’s this?

You are currently reading { i’m surrounded by Boobs, literally } at does this hysterectomy make me look fat?.


%d bloggers like this: