{ murphy’s law & order }

February 4, 2012 § 3 Comments

Who would have thought that a invasive mammogram & the discovery of a lump in my breast would not be the most painful experience in my week? Since Wednesday my arm and side have been killing me, I’m pretty sure I pulled a muscle or pinched a nerve during my exam so I was very excited when I woke up today and could move my arm (because frankly I was beginning to look like Igor showing Frankenstein around the castle)

You know those days where the moment you walk into work you just know, the day is going to be bad, well today was going to be that day. I got to work and 4 people had called off (lucky bastards)and people were leaving early, soon I realized I was one of only 4 people who were actually still at work. But I stuck it out and one student fight and one overflowing toilet later it was quitting time. Glasses of wine started to dance in my head and suddenly I was on a mission, punch out and go home to a fabulous glass of wine (so what if it comes from a box, that box was an amazing year) Me and a co-worker who I was taking home get in my car and make our escape leaving the day of chaos behind.

As I was driving it was so nice to vent about our day…………..SMASH!!! That’s right I was rear ended, I mean it was my fault, who stops at a Yield sign when ongoing traffic is coming at you. The best part of rear ended is the part when you look back at your new best friend who is now shaking their fist at you. Ahh yes they are angry at you, you the person who had the audacity to look where they were going, I mean what were you thinking, someone behind you obviously needed to get home faster than you. At that point you can at least get some satisfaction from the fact that you have at least slowed them down a bit ‘Glad you rushed now aren’t you buddy, I now plan on writing your information down as slowly as humanly possible‘ I also like to answer as many questions as possible “Your license number? Your mother’s maiden name? Your high school mascot? Ummm Yes I need to know this my insurances company is very particular”

As with most accidents the adrenaline kicks in so if your hurt you have no idea until you get home and clam down. I managed to drive myself home and then I get home and all of a sudden the room started to spin and I was pretty sure I was going to throw up. On to the emergency room I went (I’d like to add that at this point I have no eaten all day because I was waiting for Friday Chinese takeout, do you think I can add that to my auto claim?).

My favorite thing is the questions they ask you when you get admitted for a car accident “So what seems to be bothering you?” I was in car accident and am in a lot of pain and am feeling sick & dizzy “I see and do you think the two are related?” Well I don’t pretend to be a doctor but if I had to take a shot in the dark I would say, ummmm probably. “Were you awake the whole time or did you blackout, do you remember everything that happened or did you experience memory loss?” If I experienced memory loss how would I know, would I forget that as well? I must preface the next series of questions by saying I have dyslexia and when I’m stressed it gets really bad plus I am an artist in the truest sense of the word, very absent-minded. “Do you know where you are?” Yes. “Do you know what month it is?” Yes. February. “What date is it?” Oh shit I have no idea. Who know what date it is unless it’s their birthday. Ok think, think. Um the 1st, no the 2nd yes definitely the 2nd. I hear my boyfriend clear his throat. No its the 3rd. The doctor looks at Ben and he laughs and says “To be fair she never knows what day it is” The doctor was not convinced and then asks “Ok and easy one, what year is it?” 2002…. No I meant 2012. The doctor looks at his clipboard and then says “Right. I’ll be right back” I look at Ben and I agree as he says “Oh shit he is going to order every test there is.”

So the tests begin, even though I tried to convince him I didn’t have brian damage I was just an idiot, it didn’t work. (Note: these are not made up these are actual tests) Ok follow this laser pointer with your eyes, try and kick me while I hold your legs, spread your fingers out (like jazz hands), now hold my hands and try and push me over, rock to your left while looking up, try and look to your left while one leg is raised, puff out your cheeks, smile real big, now frown, look at my nose while I pull your arms and finally my favorite stick your lounge out and wag it at me.

A CT scan, 2 heavy narcotics and having to say the words “I can’t be pregnant I had a hysterectomy numerous times (to which I got the following two responses “I also had a pregnant woman who told me the same story” and “Well you never know when that thing grows back”) later, I got the ok to go with the diagnosis of whiplash, minor head injury and postconcussive syndrome (and the diagnosis that maybe I should be more aware of which year we are living in). On the bright side I have a whole new bag of drugs I get to try and now I can  hardly remember my painful breast twisting mamamogram, thank you reckless driver.

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§ 3 Responses to { murphy’s law & order }

  • Jeez, the hits just keep coming (literally it seems). Well I hope you feel better and get some rest. I still can’t properly express my joy that you are back. Even my husband is happy, lol. Your blog gave both of us much needed insight before my recent hysterectomy.

  • carlarenee45 says:

    I hope you eventually got your box of wine and chinese food lol

  • So I have decided that after a hysterectomy, you are destined to get in a car accident. I had a lady pull out in front of me friday well I was on the way to my sons school. I hit her at 40mph, it sucked, I’m ok but all I could think about was your other accident post and this one. Especially after my xrays and CT scan where I got the “Are you pregnant? Are you sure? Whe was the last time you had intercourse, because you never know…. It happens”…. This conversation ended with me saying “You know what, if I’m pregnant then not only can they write a new chapter in the bible but I also want to add that I don’t think you puny machines will hurt it”. My husband just patted me on the head, mumbled about drugs and the giggled.

    SO what I am saying is, I am sorry this stuff happened but I am so glad to know I am not alone. Thank you again for starting this blog

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