{ it’s my birthday & i’ll cry if i want to }

May 19, 2012 § 3 Comments

me at 20

Last year I turned 30 and went through menopause all in the same year, so one would think I would have nothing to fear from this birthday (I mean short of me being in the same room with all my ex’s, me gaining 30 pounds or suddenly realizing they forgot to take out my uterus this should be a piece of cake…mmmmm. I want cake) So I was really surprised with the growing anxiety of my impending birthday. You know those people that say things like “age is just a number” and “your only as old as you feel” well frankly they piss me off and they are only saying it because either they are a hell of lot younger than you or because they know they look friggin’ old. Also I just heard some annoying jackass on TV refer to 30 as being middle-aged, they should censor shit like that. If you are going to fine Janet Jackson (Miss Jackson if your nasty) for showing her boob ( I’m sorry her middle-aged boob) then the FCC should fine that idiot,t00.

So in celebration of me turning 30 (for the second time) I am listing 10 instances of why I’m glad I’m 30 and not 20 anymore:

At 20: I once had a boyfriend who waited a month to break up with because he wouldn’t have a ride to school At 30: My boyfriend owns his own car (and it runs)

At 20: 2 items from the dollar menu came dangerously close to over-withdrawing my bank account At 30: I have overdraw protection and a savings account

At 20: I thought all wine came in a box  At 30: I actually have unopened bottles that I’m purposely saving

At 20: I used to buy Bartles & James from my local Rite Aid  At 30: I visit wineries & local vineyards

At 20: I only owned one pair of shoes  At 30: I have a cute pair for every outfit and occasion

At 20: Some of my part-time jobs included ( I am not making these up): Magicians Assistant, Face Painter, Merch Chick for local punk band, Living Art Model and Thrift Store Sorter  At 30: I teach students in their twenties

At 20: Some of my ex boyfriends included ( I’m not making these up either): A Magician, An anarchist, a guy who looked like a pterodactyl, a guy who had the entire Lord of the Rings story tattooed on his arms, a guy named Cooter,  a guy who roller bladded inside the house and a guy who asked to borrow $20 bucks to get to another girls house At 30: Dating the same man for 7 years (even if he irons his sweater vests, weirdo)

At 20: Always worried that I was pregnant  At 30: Never have to be worried about pregnancy again

At 20: Was trying to get everyone to like me  At 30: Everyone should like me because I’m so friggin awesome & if they don’t they are obviously the person with the problem

At 20: I thought 30 was really far away  At 30: 40 seems right around the corner (wait that’s not better, shit)

me at 30

{ stupid question Saturday birthday edition }

May 21, 2011 § Leave a comment

“Your turning the BIG 30” Yep. “So when are you going to get married?” I have no idea, shouldn’t you be bothering my boyfriend I mean he’s the one really holding things up don’t you think? “But he’s younger than you (not too much younger I’m not a menopausal cougar) he has an excuse you on the other hand need to start getting serious” We’ve been together for over 6 years “if your not married it doesn’t count” Who made that rule? Is that the new math. “Laugh all you want but since you aren’t having kids marriage is the last thing you have to look forward to at this age.”

You have heard it hear folks I’m doomed, if I am not married in the next year I will cease to be a valuable part of society. I will be shipped off to the island of unwed 20 year old’s to live out my remaining days in comfort but away from the rest of the people as to not scare the younger children. I will live on to become a cautionary tale “You don’t want to be like Michelle do you? having hot flashes on some island away from society because she wasn’t married” Wait a minute that sounds great, Happy Birthday to me!

Also did you know I have a Facebook page? Check it out and post your story about turning the big 30 or thoughts about my experience. Note if you are my family and want to tell me again how I’m not married, wait what am I saying my family can’t figure out Facebook, I am safe.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Does-this-hysterectomy-make-me-look-fat/182882608416258

{ golden oldies }

March 17, 2011 § Leave a comment

As if I didn’t need another reason to feel old tonight I got yet another reminder. I’m up late seeing what’s on TV and I land on the Golden Girls. You would think that is the part that makes me old but no, what makes me old is that I now understand & get the jokes on the show.

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