{ shouldn’t you buy me flowers first? }

March 17, 2012 § Leave a comment

A day before my consultation with the surgical oncologist  I got a call from one of the people in her office just to make sure I was prepared and if I had any questions on what to bring. Should be a fairly uneventful conversation, right? So I have no idea when the conversation took a weird unexpected turn:

“Hello Michelle I am calling on behalf of Dr. What’s Her Name to just briefly go over what to expect from your appointment tomorrow.” Great, thank you. “So you should arrive 15 minutes early and make sure you bring the forms we sent you. You have filled out the forms we sent you right?” Of course, I filled them out the day I got them (shit I’ve got to fill out those forms, double shit I have to find where I put those forms) “Wonderful. You would be surprised by how many people leave them to the last minute” Really, you don’t say (Seriously where the hell did I put those damn forms) “You will be meeting with the nurse to go over your medical history and then you will have an exam with the doctor, any questions so far?” (Um yeah what happens if you loose your forms.) Um, No questions. ” As for clothing it’s really important that you wear something that you can easily get over your head. The easier the garment can me removed the better” So what I usually wear on dates, Got it. “We prefer a bra that can you can snap on & off fairly quickly” (Ok now you sound like my boyfriend.) “Unlike the mammography office we would prefer you wear deodorant and please make sure all hair in and around the area is shaved” (Ok seriously I don’t take this long on anniversaries to get ready. That is a lot to ask for someone I haven’t even met yet. I usually like to be wooed a little. You have to earn shaved armpits and an easy access bra.) “Depending on where the mass is the doctor might require you contort your upper body so prepared to be a little sore the next day. And I think that’s it, Any questions?” (Did I accidentally make my appointment with a brothel?)

{ in good form }

March 13, 2012 § 1 Comment

Actual questions from one of the forms I had to fill out (Please keep in mind that the appointment is at a Women’s Breast Health office):

3. Height: _____________ Weight: __________________ (Please do not lie we will be weighing you) Yes. It actually says don’t lie. Holy Shit my medical form is threatening me to divulge my actual weight. Also if your weighing me anyway why do I have to fill it out, I swear  they are doing it just to catch me in a lie.

15. Who discovered the lump? Circle ALl that Apply. Friend, Partner, Family Member, Doctor, Nurse, Unknown Relationship (I would hope if they were touching you, you would know your relationship to them) or Trusted Religious Leader or Spiritual Guide (does that give anyone else the creeps)

21. Do you still have your uterus? Y or N If you answered No answer the next question if not skip ahead to question number 23.

22. What caused you to loose your uterus? Circle One

  • Birth Deformity
  • Gender Reassignment surgery
  • Hysterectomy
  • Other (if you mark other please explain in detail) now I’m not an expert but really have the first 3 what other ways can one loose their uterus and I so want to write down the most outrageous thing just to see if they would notice-my three favorites below

I’m pretty sure it was the aliens, I woke up in Mexico in a bath tub full of ice and it was gone and a tragic miniature golfing accident, there more common than you would think

32. Which breast are you having problems with? Circle One. Right. Left. Both or Other (Seriously what other could there be, oh yes my fourth breast is really the problem)

47. Before reading this I’ll have you remember my appointment is at The Center for Women’s Breast Health Gender: M or F

and what questioner would not be complete with an essay question. It’s like the SAT’s all over again and like the SAT’s I’m going to leave it blank.

50. In lines provided below please describe your breast especially the nipple for us. (it just seems like something they would use to lure men in on “To Catch a Predator.” )

{ why you should never wear spanx to your mammogram }

February 24, 2012 § Leave a comment

if you are not familiar with Spanx let me give you the best definition I can. Spanx are ladies undergarments that work to smooth out all your lumps while squeezing all your fat back to your spine. You may say “Oh my god that sounds painful, why would you ever wear such a contraption?” and my answer to you is, yes they are uncomfortable but they make it possible for me to get into outfits that otherwise would still live at the back of my closet and frankly breathing is highly overrated. What do Spanx look like? They come in the basic colors black, white and nude and go under your bra line to just above your knee. So basically you are wearing a full 30’s style bathing suit under your outfits.

Foolishly I scheduled my mammogram right after work so I had no time to change and frankly didn’t even think about it. I still try and look nice when I go to the doctors office, I just don’t want to be the woman in the corner wearing the Tweety Bird sweatpants that everyone is looking at. So I am in my work clothes when they call me back to the testing room and the woman hands me a robe and tells me to undress from waist up and she’ll be back in a few minutes. Weirdly my first thought is “hey a free robe, I wonder how I can sneak it out of here without being seen” but then my thoughts quickly shift to a much more pressing matter “Oh shit I’m wearing my Spanx!” Some of you maybe be asking yourself why is this a problem, well I am about to share my mortification to spare future women from doing the same. I am not only wearing Spanx but a full dress, which means I have nothing on my bottom except Spanx and industrial strength panty hose. Let me explain another problem with Spanx, much like the levee’s during a flood they loose strength and start to give way at the end of your day. As I take off my dress and bra I realize just how bad the situation is I am standing there braless with my Spanx pulled under my breasts with a partial muffin top, I am the female naked Stephen Urkel. I can’t have another person look at me like this, hell I don’t even look at myself like this I get dressed in the dark. Maybe I can trying rolling them down to my waist, when I start to do this all the stuffed fat is starting to make it’s great escape not to mention you can’t real roll Spanx. Ok, what if I just take everything off, and just stand here in my underwear, no shit the Spanx are my underwear damn it. I actually contemplate going naked, I mean I’ve got a robe, I could just say I misunderstood her directions, however I am reminded that in lieu of shaving my legs this morning I opted for 5 minutes of extra sleep, damn. So here are my choices A. Get naked and look like Bigfoot and possibly a crazed nudist B.Try an fashion some underwear out of gauze, towels and tissues (now thats a challenge for Project Runway) or C. Stay as I am looking like a overstuffed tube of cookie dough that is slowly oozing from the top. None are great but I opt for the third one put on my robe and hope she won’t notice. Surely I can’t be the only woman who has worn a griddle to their mammogram. I hear the knock that I have been dreading, she walks in and her eyes get really wide. Oh, crap I was so busy with my lower half I didn’t realize that half of my hair has come loose and made it’s way to the side of my head, also because of all the adjusting I have managed to work up a pretty good sweat. How bad did I look? crazy enough for her to go “I’ll give you a few more minutes”

When she comes back I have managed to wipe the sweat off my face & repin my hair and she seems at ease that the crazed female banshee is gone. Little does she know the horror which is lurking for her under the robe.

In a side note I know I had to be her topic of conversation at the dinner table that night or perhaps when she tells people this is what happens- “She wore Spanx to her mammogram” no that isn’t true that’s just a mammogram urban legend.

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