February 17, 2013 § Leave a comment
I don’t know if it’s being 30 or the fact that I feel like I’ve lost 2 years to being sick but I just feel like I am behind with all the things I want to do in my life. So instead of actually taking action I came up with a much more realistic plan. That’s right, I built a time machine and I am going to interview my two younger selves. I’m going to see what my 20 year old & 8 year old self thinks about where I’m at in life. Perhaps this will give me the much needed perspective.
My 20 year old self.
What are you wearing? “I didn’t really have any idea what to wear, time traveling and all so I thought my PJ’s would be most comfortable.”
So what is our life like, are we famous yet? “Um, not quite. We work at a school and freelance on the side.”
I guess that’s cool. What about our boyfriend is he hot? Is he covered in tattoo’s & has a faux hawk? “Actually he’s a Republican who wears brown loafers and all different kinds of argile.”
“Is he at least in a band? ” He played the trombone in marching band.”
Why are you sweating? “Oh, it’s the hot flashes”
Wait how far in the future are you? “Oh, yeah you should probably know. We are going to go through menopause before 30.” Stunned Silence.
“Let’s change the subject. What are you going to do tonight?” I have no idea. Hopefully some friends will stop by and we’ll probably go out later. It’s way to early to tell.
“It’s almost 7:00pm on a Tuesday and you have school tomorrow. Maybe if you studied more we wouldn’t be working at a crappy job. Sorry, it’s the hormones.”
“Well it’s getting late. But I want to leave you with some advice: Don’t spend all your money on VHS tapes they are going to useless in a few years, don’t bother buying pregnancy tests, your infertile, go nuts, don’t eat anything in a mall food court and wear nice underwear everyday because we are going to get hit by a drunk driver & will be seen by the entire medical staff in our granny panties.”
It was nice meeting you, I guess. Hey, can you buy me alcohol before you leave?
So a case of Mikes Hard Lemonade later, I was on my way to visit my 8 year old self.
” Thanks. What are you doing?” Finger painting!!! I love drawing so much.
“Well in the future that will be part of your job.” Wait, we get to draw all day and get money for it. That’s so cool. “I guess it is cool.”
What’s being grown up like? “It’s pretty much the same, we live a little town with a pretty great guy.” Ewwwww. Boys are gross. “Yeah most of the time. Plus we have two cats.” Kitties!!!
Do you want some of Lip Smackers chap stick? It’s Dr. Pepper flavored. “I think I will thanks.” I would invite you into my blanket fort but it’s almost time for dinner. We are having grilled cheese & dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.Want some?
“No. You actually become a vegetarian.” Your silly!!
“Anything you want to ask me before I go?” Do we ever get to meet Minnie Mouse? “Yep. We have been to Disney World, Italy, New York City, Maine all over really.”
I get to live by myself with kitties, draw all day and stay up as long as I want.Plus you get to wear your PJ’s when it’s not bed time. I can’t wait to grow up, it’s going to be so cool!!
January 25, 2013 § 2 Comments
After my last post about me being an idiot I was flooded with emails from friends very happy to remind me of all of my other “stupid” moments. Ben was especially “helpful” in reminding me of all of my lapses in intelligence. So back by popular demand here are 5 more of the reasons I may be the stupidest person I have ever met.
1) What the Frack?
Ben & I were watching TV and the new Matt Damon movie trailer for “Promised Land” was playing. Ben was telling me what an important movie it was and how he wanted to see it. He was trying to explain fracking to me and marcellus shale. He was horrified when I asked “Who is Marcellus Shale? Is that who Matt Damon is playing?”
2) What I learned from David Hasselhoff
On an episode of “I love the 80’s” they were recapping the tearing down of the Berlin wall & how David Hasselhoff was singing at it. The announcer said how big he is in Germany & that’s why he was there. I was instantly confused and asked Ben why it mattered if he was big in Germany. Apparently the Berlin wall was not in Russia like I thought. Thanks Hoff.
3) I’m a MAC
As a designer I love all things MAC and apple & considered myself well versed in the history of the company. But when I was reading the Steve Jobs biography I had a A-HA moment or should I say an A-DUH moment. The author was recalling the making of the first Macintosh computer and then it dawned on me-Oh crap Macintosh is a type of apple, hence the name. Seriously I never put two & two together.
4) Oh Brother Where Art Thou
Did you know the mini-series Band of Brothers was not about the civil rights movement. Seriously I have no sense of history, if you haven’t noticed.
5) The Beatles
I was named after the song “Michelle” by the Beatles. I loved this song as long as I can remember I especially loved the part “Some day monkey won’t play piano on gum. Play piano on gum” What you don’t remember that part? That’s because apparently it doesn’t say that all it’s just the song in French. (Listen to the song you will never hear it the same way)
January 13, 2013 § 2 Comments
I am not ashamed, My name is Michelle and I am addicted to Hallmark movies. I can’t help it, I love them. I cry at the movies and even the Hallmark commercials (I mean seriously she gives her grumpy teacher a Hallmark card & he smiles and asks her what she became and she says “A teacher just like you” I dare you not to tear up). They feed my addiction because they have a whole channel just for Hallmark movies. So if I want to cry for 24 hours straight I now have the perfect excuse. Here are my most popular life lessons from Hallmark.
1) There are only 6 acceptable professions for men. A fisherman, a sheriff, a lawyer (who will eventually give up their practice for the simple life -more on this later), coffee shop owner, architect or works in advertising (these two are inner changeable) and “the local guy” (no one knows what his job is but he drives a pickup truck, owns a dog and often seen wandering the streets doing good deeds).
2) There are only 6 acceptable professions for women. A waitress, owner of a cupcake shop or bakery, working in a bookstore, quirky artist (oh yeah I could be in a Hallmark movie), inn keeper and random local that no matter where she goes people know her & her entire life story.
3) When life gets tough your car will break down in the exact place you are supposed to spend the rest of your life. As an added bonus the mechanic (also the local priest or doctor) who finds your broken down car is the single nicest person in the world. They don’t have the part your car needs but don’t worry they won’t charge you for it.
4) When they want to show a “rough neighborhood” in a Hallmark movie they will show a person smoking in the back. Seriously thats as bad as it gets in the Hallmark world.
5) If you see a sheriff just know you will end up marrying him. He probably also just lost his wife in a car accident and there is a 50/50 chance that he is a single father.
6) Anyone who has a high powered, successful career in the city will eventually realize the benefits of moving back to their hometown and live the simple life.
7) Aunts & Uncles beware because your sister/brother is going to die and you will be given custody of their children. You will not be a great parent in the beginning but no fear you’ll eventually realize the joy of parenthood. 50/50 chance the kid will be mute. (also be prepared to only know you are the sole guardian when talking to the family lawyer, these things are never discussed before hand)
8) If your getting married don’t get too attached to the groom because he’s wrong for you. You’ll either meet your soul mate planning the wedding or your ex will be coming back into your life. You will realize he’s not the right guy when you look at him and he will be on his phone (you’ll only realize this is annoying in your hometown)
9) No matter what you do you can just leave work for a boat ride or a hike in the woods with the stranger that just came to town. You’ll talk about your life story and probably cry about your dead mother/father/sister/dog.
10) Everyone dies on Christmas eve.
January 12, 2013 § Leave a comment
Anyone who knows me knows that over the years I have had my fair share of weird (some would say idiotic) theories. Now before you stop reading, these are not goverment conspiracy theories and have no real value what so ever. However I think I’m on to something with these (however my friends may tend to disagree with me & are probably embarrassed that I’m still holding on to them & that they are now in writing). These are the 4 ones I hold most dear.
1) Celebrity Impostors
I have believed for many years that the following two celebrities are the same people. I haven’t figured out why they would want to dress in drag and pose as the other person but I can’t have all the answers can I? How more people have not uncovered this is beyond me. Howard Stern and Annie Leibovitz are really the same person as are Quentin Tarantino and Uma Thurman. Don’t believe me look at these pictures.
2) Keanu Reeves is the greatest actor of our time
Maybe you could say this is more of an opinion but I say no, this is a fact. What other actor has traveled through time, been a doctor, coached an inner city baseball team, was the son of the devil but defeated his plans for armageddon, fought demons, was an alien who saved the entire human race, defeated the grim reaper in Twister, has a time traveling mailbox with Sandra frickin’ Bullock on the other end, was a cop surfer, stopped a speeding bus and of course he delivered us from The Matrix. He has been robbed of his Oscar long enough.
3) George Bush’s speech writers tried to help him out but failed
I know I said nothing political but this really has nothing to do with his politics. This is something that can bring both right & left together (see I’m single handily solving the division in Washington) Do you remember when George Bush would give a speech and he would tell you the definition of the words while he was saying them? And these were common words I mean no one was wondering what they meant. Example “We must never surrender, that means we will never give in to the enemy” and “We need to unify, that means work together” Well my theory is that the speech writers wrote the definition’s in his teleprompter so he would know what he was saying but never intended for him to read them. Seriously can’t you see this as a SNL sketch?
and my favorite 4) Independence Day is the sequel to ET
Think about it. I believe ET was a spy sent here to gather all of our secrets & weaknesses. They dressed him up in a baby alien suit because they knew Earthlings would take pity on him & think he was harmless. You can’t convince me that they have the technology to fly across galaxies and can convert a speak n spell to a friggin iphone but some how he got lost. We let him get back on the ship and 10 years later Independence Day happened. How did they know where all our major landmarks were and where to hit us? That little bastard Elliot thats how.
January 6, 2013 § 1 Comment
So for the most part I consider myself intelligent. I read books without any pictures, I can carry on a conversation about current events, I can write coherent sentences & I even teach students, so I know I don’t lack knowledge. All that beng said every once in a while I’m reminded of how utterly stupid I can be. Maybe stupidity isn’t the right word just totally unaware of the obvious (no I can’t sugar coat it it’s stupidity) Now since I consider you all friends I’m going to share 7 stories of utter stupidity with you so you can all feel better about yourselves & get a laugh at my expense. Ok here we go:
1) I just realized that if you put Kanga and Roo from Winnie the Pooh together it’s a Kangaroo (no seriously this blew my mind)
2) I thought the Hatfield’s & The McCoy’s was a mini-series on Enron & Bernie Madoff
3) In Cast Away with Tom Hanks I just thought Wilson was a clever name. Imagine my surprise when I was in WalMart & saw a whole bunch of volley ball’s with Wilson on them. You may think I put and two together but no I said “Oh they renamed them because of the film”
4) As me and Ben were taking a hike one day he asked me “Hey do you know what the Rock says?” to which I answered “Umm duh, “Can you smell what the Rock is cooking” I didn’t see why suddenly he was crying in laughter. Between him gasping for breathe he pointed to a historical monument in the shape of a rock with writing on it. Apparently he had meant the actual Rock and not my favorite wrestler turned actor The Rock.
5) Another Tom Hanks shocker in the movie Forrest Gump I was always baffled by why they showed Forrest with John Lennon. When we were watching that particular part I voiced my confusion for this “This part of the film doesn’t make any sense. Every other part has a point why is he having a conversation with John Lennon that leads nowhere” Ben just put on the song “Imagine” & walked out of the room with his head down.
6) Ben was watching the movie Amadeus and I asked what it was about. He gave me a blank stare and said “Umm Mozart” to which I said “What does Amadeus have to do with Mozart?” Apparently Mozart had a first name-who knew?
7) I thought Napoleon crossed the Delaware not George Washington (they both had blue jackets with buttons it’s confusing)
8) Jersey Boys turns out is not a musical adaption of “The Jersey Shore”(although I still say it would sell like crazy)
9) All these years I have been mishearing the song lyrics to a Prince song. I was singing in the car and Ben gave me one of his looks “What are you singing?” “this song” I replied “It’s Raspberry Beret not Raspberry Chevrolet. Why would you think it said Chevrolet?” “I thought it was the sequel to “Little Red Corvette”” It was not.
Hopefully after reading these if you are ever feeling down you can say “well at least I’m not as dumb as that woman” YOUR WELCOME.
December 30, 2012 § Leave a comment
Winter is upon us and I have a few easy tips to not be mistaken for a homeless nomad. I live in Erie, PA the epicenter for a snow dump yard. Many days I need to just need to go outside to grab some gas, pick up a pizza or just a snack (ok tubs of Ben & Jerry’s) from the gas station. What I learned from doing this last year is that I kind of resembled a homeless Italian grandmother. So I have complied some full proof tips to avoid actually getting ready but still not scare the towns people.
1) Invest in Black Pajama’s or Yoga Pants. Why? Because at first glance they can be mistaken for actual pants. Stay away from any PJ’s with prints on them especially the Christmas penguins that I tried to rock out last year. In retrospect I looked liked a mental patient out on a day pass.
2) Invest in a very big, very distracting scarf. Why? You can wrap it around your neck which can help in a variety of areas. It hides all the stains on your shirt, it distracts people long enough to think you put effort into your appearance and it will fool people into thinking you are cold like everyone else & not suffering from hot flashes-Perfect!
3) Resist the urge to tuck your pants into your boots. This may be hard but resist it, do not give in to the dark side.
4) If you wear glasses like me invest in a pair with the biggest, blackest rims possible. Why? The bigger the rims the less area where people can see your eyes. No eyes visible no makeup required.
5) No floppy winter hats. It’s a dead give away that you haven’t washed your hair in days. Put your hair in a messy bun & throw in snow for good measure. People will assume you tried and it was just a victim to the windy conditions outside.
Hope these help and good luck out there.
Hey do you have a tip? Feel free to share it in the comments.
November 29, 2012 § Leave a comment
When you have menopause when you are in your twenties you get to have ads sent to for the next 40 years of your life. Most are ridiculous(ok all of them are) and clearly have no idea what a women going through menopause actually wants or needs. Quite frankly I would like to not be reminded of menopause every time I open up my inbox, what happened to the good old days when all I had to worry about was pyramid schemes and sex toy spam. Instead I am being stalked by the AARP. So attached is the newest email I got to look at. For all of those you who might be new to menopause first welcome and second these offers might be very tempting but let me breakdown this ad for you. Clearly this woman has never been through menopause, how do I know? well firstly she is smiling in her underwear. No woman who has just had abdominal surgery is happy when she looks at herself in her underwear. Oh, but she has a towel to wrap around her, after a hysterectomy I needed a wedding tent to completely cover up. Secondly, read the headline “Doctor’s Breakthrough” I hate to say this but no doctors are working on this they have erectile dysfunction to work on, it’s probably just Bayer Aspirin in a pink bottle. Third, there’s no such fucking thing as “menopause belly” if it existed why is it in quotes. Lastly, this woman looks like she is on the way to the beach, NO woman experiencing hot flashes is on her way to the beach. Your daily life is a day at the hot beach, you want to sweat you can just stay inside your house you don’t have to lie on hot sand. I have never heard a menopausal woman say ” I’m hot as hell you know what will really cool me off and day under the hot sun”