{ yes Virgina, there is a menopause }

December 24, 2010 § Leave a comment

On this holiday season most people would think i would compare a menopausal woman to the Grinch*(read footnote) but no I’m going to compare myself to Santa Clause. What do I have in common with the guy in the big red suit?

  1. We both eat any cookie that is left out (hell it doesn’t even have to be a cookie no sweats are safe)
  2. He tries to figure out how he will fit down a chimney: I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to fit in my holiday dress
  3. His belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly: yep pretty much the same thing here without the jolly part
  4. He is expected to get about 100 things done in one night: ditto
  5. Some people don’t belive he exists: There are quite many people( let’s be honest men) that believe menopause is a state of mind rather than a physical condition. To all these people who think this I would like to kick you in a senstive area and then tell you it’s all a state of mind.
  6. Trouble remembering which house is which: Since menopause I swear to god I have no memory and I’m lucky I find my house everyday (but my boyfriend still makes me leave the house with my name and address pinned to teh inside of my coat)
  7. Likes a cold climate: Hot flashes & night sweats, the north pole looks pretty damn inviting right about now.
  8. Is awake all night: Ah yes menopausal insomnia at least he has something to do I just watch old Murphy Brown reruns.
  9. Has a big bushy beard: Ok I don’t have a beard but you never know with those damn hormones.
  10. and the final thing….. No matter how much each of us do will be under appreciated this holiday season.

* People always assume the Grinch was a man but after recent events and when I watched it again I really believe the Grinch was a menopausal woman. Think about, it they leave Whoville just to get some peace, quite and a good night’s sleep (because lets face it they were noisy little bastards), they still Christmas because they didn’t have time to shop for Christmas because of there recovery, they choose the icy mountain MT. Krumpet, bastardly hot flashes and in the end when they get superhuman strength and lift the sleigh, that was just the hormone replacement kicking in.

{ Twas’ the night sweat before Christmas }

December 23, 2010 § Leave a comment

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
I got a hot flash no amount of water would douse.
The cold presses were hung on the towel rack with care,
In hopes that relief soon would be there.

My boyfriend & cat were nestled all snug in our bed,
While visions of me smothering him with a pillow danced in my head.
And him in dreamland, and I with a heating pad on my lap,
am rethinking my today’s fourth nap.

When out of nowhere there arouse a clatter,
My boyfriend sprang out of bed to see what was the matter.
Away to my side he made a mad dash,
Tore away the hot quilt to deal with the hot flash.

The heat and the sweat gave me a warm, heated glow
That made me want to stick my head in the snow

When, what to my aching joints should appear,
But surgical menopause my biggest fear.
With symptoms so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it really was as bad as you would think.
More rapid than eagles the symptoms they came,
And I moaned, and shouted, and called them by name!

“Now Headaches! now, Dizziness! now, Night Sweat and Hot Flash!
On, Crying! On, Anger! on, on Fatigue and Memory Lapse!
To the grocery store! to time shopping at the mall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

And then, in a twinkling, I feel quite aloof

As I make a whole bucket of ice disappear in one, POOF!.

As I left the refrigerator and was turning around,

Down I feel on my ass with a great big bound.

I was dressed in my summer clothes from head to foot,

I’m pretty sure my chances of a having a good night’s sleep just went kaput.

So a box of cookies I fling on my back,

And yes I plan to eat the whole pack.

My hormones how they ran, my face red as a cherry.

I’m about to hurt every Tom, Dick and Harry

My spirits are starting to getting low,

The stories are true menopause really does blow.

I have a cold wash cloth around my neck like a wreath,

Menopause has stolen my internal temperature like a dirty, rotten thief.
Because of the surgery I got a round belly,
That shook when I laugh, like a bowlful of jelly!(mmmm..jelly)

I feel chubby and plump and not very stealth.

And I feel like a crazy version of my former self!

A bought of nausea and a pain in my head,

Soon made me realize tonight was going to be full of dread.

My boyfriend speaks not a word and just goes to work,
But still he can’t avoid me calling him a jerk.
At least he doesn’t argue when I want to watch my shows,
And after being up for 15 minutes, I start to doze!

He sprang upstairs to give his mom a ring,
to just double check if he’s doing the right thing.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘while I still was out of sight,
“I fear it’s going to be another hot sleepless night!”

{ HO,HO Hysterectomy }

December 22, 2010 § 1 Comment

 

The holidays are upon us and you might be depressed because your surgery has made it difficult or impossible to do some of the holiday preparations and/or events. Let’s face it a hysterectomy for the holidays is nothing we asked Santa for (and I’m convinced the only reason he lives at the North Pole was that Mrs. Clause had severe hot flashes) but that does not mean you can not enjoy the season. Don’t want to go that stupid office party(let’s face it you’ve seen one drunk accountant you’ve seen them all), need a way out of that political correct Christmas pageant? Well now you have the perfect, full proof excuse. No one will question you wanting to stay home(and if they do show them a hormonal woman’s super human strength, believe me they won’t be making that mistake again). So while your family & friends are sitting in agony watching your boss dressed up like a reindeer and children trying to sing “Away in a manager” without referencing “god” you can be home under a blanket eating cookies that were supposed to be for Santa ( he’s still a man so he’s not completely off my shit list) and watching holiday movies (some advice do not watch anything on Hallmark, TLC or any movie with Julia Roberts or Meg Ryan your hormones can not take it).

{ Gift Giving } Alright guys let me save you from yourselves this holiday. I know you are very practical and are thinking to yourselves “I can get her gifts that will help her during her healing” STOP right there!! Read the following for acceptable and more importantly non acceptable gifts for that lovely sweaty lady in your life(Don’t think my boyfriend’s exempt from this either).  GIFTS DO’S: Spa Day-Treat her with a spa gift certificate so she can pamper herself with a day or days of relaxation(a lot of spa’s have special post surgery massages that can optimize the healing process), Bubble Bath & Lotion- (guy’s go to Bath & Body Works and ask a woman for help), Anything Godiva(and yes there is a difference between Godiva & chocolate you get at a gas station), Books & Movies- let’s face it you get tired of watching When Harry Met Sally and since she needs a lot of down time this is a great gift (My picks: Book: Love Walked In by Marisa De los Santos, Movie: Julie & Julia) and finally FOOD-give a voucher for a nice dinner at her favorite restaurant when she is feeling better(sports bars need not apply) GIFTS DON’TS: A heating pad or a hot water bottle, any type of flannel night gown (if you saw your mom or grandma wearing it do not put it under the tree), orthopedic shoes, any medical resources and/or self help books (me & my hysterectomy, my hysterectomy journey, etc),a shawl(we’re hot all the time what the hell are we going to do with a shawl) and finally do not buy give her anything that starts with the following statement ” this really helped my mom when she was going through menopause”(your just asking for a world of pain).

I’d would love to hear from you! What did you think about this post? Share your stories and/or suggestions.

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