November 29, 2012 § Leave a comment
When you have menopause when you are in your twenties you get to have ads sent to for the next 40 years of your life. Most are ridiculous(ok all of them are) and clearly have no idea what a women going through menopause actually wants or needs. Quite frankly I would like to not be reminded of menopause every time I open up my inbox, what happened to the good old days when all I had to worry about was pyramid schemes and sex toy spam. Instead I am being stalked by the AARP. So attached is the newest email I got to look at. For all of those you who might be new to menopause first welcome and second these offers might be very tempting but let me breakdown this ad for you. Clearly this woman has never been through menopause, how do I know? well firstly she is smiling in her underwear. No woman who has just had abdominal surgery is happy when she looks at herself in her underwear. Oh, but she has a towel to wrap around her, after a hysterectomy I needed a wedding tent to completely cover up. Secondly, read the headline “Doctor’s Breakthrough” I hate to say this but no doctors are working on this they have erectile dysfunction to work on, it’s probably just Bayer Aspirin in a pink bottle. Third, there’s no such fucking thing as “menopause belly” if it existed why is it in quotes. Lastly, this woman looks like she is on the way to the beach, NO woman experiencing hot flashes is on her way to the beach. Your daily life is a day at the hot beach, you want to sweat you can just stay inside your house you don’t have to lie on hot sand. I have never heard a menopausal woman say ” I’m hot as hell you know what will really cool me off and day under the hot sun”
May 24, 2011 § Leave a comment
We just got a Chipotle Grill where I live, this is a HUGE deal for this area. It’s probably the equivalent of the Royal Wedding in Britain (ok not that huge but still a cause for celebration) Why is this so exciting because it means we have a healthy fast food restaurant in our area and I no longer have to convince myself that McDonalds is indeed a healthy choice because they have “apples” in their pie.
I don’t love Chipotle Grill, I LOVE Chipotle Grill! I have been secretly dating Chipotle on the side since it opened it’s doors. I have fantasies about the food when I look at my boyfriend all I see is a giant burrito. Why do I love it so much? Many reasons: 1) The food is all organic and they use fresh ingredients 2) They only have 4 choices & for ordering with my boyfriend that is a gift from the heavens (he once spent 20 minutes just looking at the drink menu at the Cheesecake Factory-after all that he orders a Pepsi) 3) You get to pick and choose what they put on your burrito. I have been compared to Meg Ryan’s character in “When Harry Met Sally” when I order food, I just hate when you can exclude an item you don’t want. And finally and the most important reason Chipotle Grill is amazing is the fact that there is no charge for an extra side of sour cream-Viva La Chipotle.
Before I continue let me tell you that because of my recent medical setback I had to be off my estrogen for 3 weeks throwing me back into full-blown menopause. So I tend to be a little on edge & a bit hormonal. Today was a rough day but no worries Chipotle will make it all better, but what’s this, a new guy on the line. I start to order “A burrito, fajita style, shredded beef, sour cream, cheese and that’s it” and the new guy looks at me from his spoonful of salsa and asks What kind of salsa? “No salsa, thank you” You have to have salsa “No I don’t think I do. That’s why I come here, that’s why i dream of this place you don’t need to have anything you don’t want” C’mon you must want some salsa (At this point I’m thinking dude what is it with you and the salsa. Why don’t you take my salsa and save it for latter since you are such a fan) Well I have to ask my boss. “Seriously” So I see him walk over to the boss, an adorable pink haired girl who I overhear saying “How many times do I have to tell you they don’t need salsa, Ted. Just wrap the burrito. This instance makes me love them even more. So perhaps the cure for a menopause relapse is not estrogen but having a giant burrito with unlimited sour cream and a pissed off boss who has to deal with Ted for the next 5 hours.
April 14, 2011 § Leave a comment
I don’t know when it happened it must have been happening so gradually that I wasn’t prepared when I came to the realization that Dr. Drew is everywhere. Seriously, test my theory I challenge you to turn on cable TV and find a show that he has not been on. When did he become the go to guy to ask? And he gets asked for his diagnosis about everything: Dr. Drew what is your opinion on Charlie Sheen’s mental condition? Do you think this person is an addict? Dr. Drew what do you think of this weather we are having? I swear I even saw him on the Food Network being asked if he thought the steak had been overcooked.
To be perfectly honest I really didn’t have any opinions of the guy good or bad, I figured we could peacefully share the cable airwaves, I mean I’m an adult I can share the basic cable airwaves with this guy. That was until I caught an episode of his new show. First off I was not seeking any more Dr. Drew but his new show moved into one of my shows time slot and instead of digging around my couch covers for the remote I decided to sit there and listen (yes I am quite aware that my laziness has no bounds, I once watched a whole marathon of Knight Rider because my remotes batteries had died)
The topic of the show was “Latter in Life Lesbians” and I was starting to get interested in the topic until Dr. Drew spouts his theory: “ I believe it has to do with the onset of menopause. When women can no longer reproduce their bodies start start saying, Hey I don’t need men anymore so I can be attracted to women now” So not only do us menopausal women have to deal with so many other misconceptions now we have to add suddenly becoming lesbians to the list. Can you imagine going to your doctor when they are going over the side effects, well this may cause hot flashes, fatigue, dizziness oh and you might suddenly become a lesbian. Being someone who believes strongly that is not a choice & it’s something you are born with and probably women of a certain age just say screw society I don’t care what people think anymore I’m going to go be happy with who I want to be happy with, this whole thing offends me but the fact that he thinks menopause suddenly turns us into a whole new person is insulting. At this point I’m so angry I can’t turn the channel now if I wanted to because I can’t wait to see what he is going to say next. He starts interviewing a woman and she is talking about finding her true self later in life and how she was just coming to terms to her identity and this boob asks her “Are you sure it’s not just the hormone you are taking?” This man can not be a doctor.
But lets just say Dr. Drew is right and it is a choice that menopausal women make here is the real reason: women are sick of their husbands not understanding what they are going through and instead of dealing with them asking why the house is freezing and getting you a heating pad for your birthday, women say screw it and decide to live with someone who finally gets it.
March 7, 2011 § 3 Comments
This weekend I went out-of-town for the first time since my surgery and to fulfill my mission of finding the perfect moisturizer. I have never had dry skin before so I blame it on the menopause (like I do most everything) , plus it gives me an excuse to buy something that smells pretty.
I take my mission very seriously and make sure to visit every option (take in account that I am out-of-town and not used to more than one choise on anything. Our mall actually combines the health & beauty store with the pretzel place) and then I walk into Sephora, aka the holy grail of lotions, potions & soaps.
As I was trying different samples this young girl comes up to me and asks ” Can help you find something?” No I’m ok, just browsing. “Well if you need any help just let me know and just so you know the anti-aging cream is in the back corner”
Needless to say I leave the store and do what every normal woman would do after being told she looks old by a teenager, I ate 3 large cupcakes & went home and compared myself to “The Golden Girls”. Even though you can escape your town whenever you want you can’t escape your age.
March 5, 2011 § Leave a comment
Upon returning to work from surgery you will get some of your best stupid questions, like :
“Hey Michelle glad to have you back.” Thanks.(notice how i didn’t say it was good to be back) *whispers* “And they look completely natural, can’t even tell you had work done” WHAT? “You had a boob job right.” No. “Oh, I must have heard wrong. So where did you have the work done?” My uterus. “Huh, never heard of that. Must be a new one”
March 3, 2011 § Leave a comment
It was bound to happen, I haven’t seen the inside of a hospital in over 3 months (which for me is some kind of record) so it was really no suprise when I got to visit it again this Friday. But it wasn’t due to any hysterctomy, hormone or womanly issues (also a record), no the reason I was there had to do with a man. A man who literally plowed into the back of my vehicle while my car was stuck in snow. To add some extra fun it was off the highway so he was doing about 35-40 (in a blizzard mind you) needless to say in the war against my little car and his 13 year old gremlin, I lost.
He knocks on my window as I’m draped over the steering wheel and starts yelling at me. Yes you heard me right this guys yells at me for being stuck and in his very important way. One of my favorite lines was “Why the hell did you stop?” It’s early, I’m not only extremly hormonal,I’m in pain and the accident triggered a hot flash so I’m hot as hell too. If I hadn’t been dizzy & worried I was going to pass out I would have summoned my menopausal superhuman strength and hurt that little man (no jury would convict me either)
I manage to drive myself the half mile to work and start feeling not only the normal effects of a car accident but severe stomach pain. Great I swear to god if I need another surgery because of that douche bag, I quit. Fast forward to me calling my doctor and explaining what happened and him basically yelling at me to go directly to the emergency room. Even though it has been 3 months since my surgery I am technically still in recovery so any injury has to be checked out. So emergency room here I come.
My adventures at the ER will be posted in Part 2 tomorrow!
March 1, 2011 § Leave a comment
Gloria Steinem wrote a hilarious article called “If Men Could Menstruate*” about how periods would be received differently if it was the man who had to go through with it. I was inspired reading it again last night so I’m doing my own take on it.
- All menopausal products would be in hip, bright packaging & endorsed by famous sports figures, that they would proudly place in their shopping carts. They would also be on sale all the time and probably get a tax write off.
- When a man suddenly starts crying he would get comforting looks “Oh man look how brave that man is”
- Menopause would count as a sick day and you would get paid time off while you were dealing with the adjustment.
- Men would probably actually loose weight.
- They would be convinced that menopause has actually made their penis bigger.
- Once they hit menopausal age they would not feel old just the opposite that would think that this made them more masculine so they would be on the lookout for new exciting women.
- They would high five their friends when they were experiencing a hot flash.
- The first instance of rapid heartbeat and their doctor would put them on instant bed rest.
- After much research they would find out that beer actually decreases headaches and lower back pain.
- There would be a Menopause Marathon: Walk for a Cure, held yearly and would raise millions.
- There would also be a televised telethon, airing on all major networks, hosted by Billy Crystal with Brad Pitt & George Clooney on the phones.
- There would be little blue pills that made all symptoms non existent, especially lose of libido, they would actually combine it with Viagra so they would only have to take one pill a day.
- Any prescription to deal with menopause would be 100% covered by all insurance.
- Menopause would have it’s own month. “May is Menopause Awareness Month” and they would put out calendars called “Hormonal Hunks” to raise money
- You would never hear the phrase “It’s all in your head”
- Menopause would not be called the change of life but the time of your life. It would have a fashionable name like “Masculine Maturity”
- It would become the ultimate pickup line “Hey baby, your so hot and I thought my menopause gave me hot flashes”
- There would be special public bathrooms lined with cold clothes, heating pads, Tylenol, tissues and free chocolate
- Therapy would be mandatory, free and would be offered after hours so you wouldn’t have to take time off of work ( not that your boss would care if you did )
But although these points are true the sad fact is that is men experienced menopause they would have already found a cure.
Also a huge thanks to my boyfriend for letting me use his picture for this pots (well actually he didn’t know what the post was about )
*Read the great, hilarious article here: http://www.mylittleredbook.net/imcm_orig.pdf