{ even my cat needed a hysterectomy }

November 21, 2012 § 1 Comment

Oh you read the headline right, I pretty sure I am like a magnet to a compass only I destroy all uterus’s that come in my vincity. I’m pretty sure I might be the Bermuda Triangle of reproductive health.About two weeks ago we started to see a stray cat at our back door and slowly began trying to lure it with food (hell I would go into a strangers house if they had random free treats), finally we built up enough trust  to get her inside. We had every intention of giving her a warm bed and meal and then off to our local shelter in the morning. However 1 hour later and one huge set of Puss’n’Boots eyes later it was pretty clear she wasn’t going anywhere. The next day I had a appointment with the vet to get her checked out, as they ran all the tests I was in the waiting room ready Dog Fancy. The vet soon called me back and gave me a run down of all the things wrong with her but easily fixed but then came this statement “and she’s pregnant!” “Pregnant?” Great of all the kittens I had to take in I got the town tramp.Oh god what if she was a cat hooker and her pimp will be coming looking for her. As understanding as Ben had been about one cat I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to be able to hide a littler of kittens (although I was already starting to think of hiding places, that’s not a kitten it’s just one of those googly eye cat clocks) As I was absorbing this information he leaned in, looked both ways and whispered “However, we can fix that with the spay, if your beliefs allow you” Holy crap he’s talking about a kitty abortion (perhaps I’m naive but I didn’t know there was such a thing) I am a feminist by nature and always vote for pro-choice but I didn’t know the rules for cats. Then I had this vision of me walking in the door and being surrounded by cat protesters with their pro-life signs & heckling us by throwing cat toys. Would she be shunned by the community & become an outcast amongst the other animals. Does Roe vs Wade apply to cats?

Let me fast forward to the next appointment where the vet comes out and says “Well she’s not pregnant she just has an infected, inflamed uterus” (Ahhh this brings me back) With that information my new kitty had to have a hysterectomy. After all the drama that I had to go through to get one I was a little amazed all it took was me saying “Ok”. No “what if she wants children someday?”, “she’s not getting any younger” or “maybe she should go home and ask her husband first” (oh yeah that happened to me) Just  hey she’s sick lets take it out. She didn’t have to put her paw on a paper that said “we can’t put it back” (yes that happened to me as well) Just a 3 days, mine took me just under 10 years.

Last night we were all curled up on the couch me, Ben, Page (our first cat) and Zephyr (our new cat) not one uterus between the four of us. I’m sure Ben was feeling out numbered and thanking his lucky stars that cats don’t go through menopause or he wouldn’t have a chance.

{ stupid statement saturday }

March 19, 2011 § 3 Comments

On the day of your surgery you will have to literally talk to everybody in the hospital ( I’m not exaggerating I even got to talk to the Maintenance guy). One after one these people will come in to your room and ask a barrage of questions “Do you smoke?”, “When’s the last time you ate?”, “Name of your high school boyfriend?”, “How many fingers am I holding up?”, “Does your milkshake bring all the boys to the yard?’ at one point I could of sworn H&R Block stopped by to make sure my taxes were in order.

Needless to say it became one big blur except for the hospital pharmacist. He seemed like one of those overally friendly people (who was probably just excited to get to leave his basement office and talk to people)  So he asked the normal questions “What medications are you taking?”, “Did you take any this morning?”, “Do you take any vitamins?” , “Ok, I got all I need. ” and then he turns and says this as he walks out the door “Have fun today!”  I look to my boyfriend to make sure I heard him correctly and my boyfriend bowed his head and shook it in acknowledgment.

Did they get my chart wrong instead of hysterectomy am I scheduled to go to the carnival or a petting zoo? So not only did I get to meet every hospital employee but I also got to meet the devil himself, quite a day- “Have Fun!”

{ crash into me part 1 }

March 3, 2011 § Leave a comment

It was bound to happen, I haven’t seen the inside of a hospital in over 3 months (which for me is some kind of record) so it was really no suprise when I got to visit it again this Friday. But it wasn’t due to any hysterctomy, hormone or womanly issues (also a record), no the reason I was there had to do with a man. A man who literally plowed into the back of my vehicle while my car was stuck in snow. To add some extra fun it was off the highway so he was doing about 35-40 (in a blizzard mind you) needless to say in the war against my little car and his 13 year old gremlin, I lost.

He knocks on my window as I’m draped over the steering wheel and starts yelling at me. Yes you heard me right this guys yells at me for being stuck and in his very important way. One of my favorite lines was “Why the hell did you stop?” It’s early, I’m not only extremly hormonal,I’m in pain and the accident triggered a hot flash so I’m hot as hell too. If I hadn’t been dizzy & worried I was going to pass out I would have summoned my menopausal superhuman strength and hurt that little man (no jury would convict me either)

I manage to drive myself the half mile to work and start feeling not only the normal effects of a car accident but severe stomach pain. Great I swear to god if I need another surgery because of that douche bag, I quit. Fast forward to me calling my doctor and explaining what happened and him basically yelling at me to go directly to the emergency room. Even though it has been 3 months since my surgery I am technically still in recovery so any injury has to be checked out. So emergency room here I come.

My adventures at the ER will be posted in Part 2 tomorrow!

{ today’s question }

February 21, 2011 § Leave a comment

Post your answers here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Does-this-hysterectomy-make-me-look-fat/182882608416258

Todays question:
What you tired of hearing from your doctor or medical professionals?

{ your turn }

February 21, 2011 § Leave a comment

I recently created a Facebook page for this blog because I wanted to make it easier to share your stories and get suggestions from each other. Throughout the week I will pose questions or ask your opinions please feel free to join in.

Post your answers here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Does-this-hysterectomy-make-me-look-fat/182882608416258

Todays question:
What your biggest worry is when dealing with the possibility of a hysterectomy?

 

{ germ carrier }

February 1, 2011 § 2 Comments

My boyfriend was out of town for a week and upon his return he brought me a present. Was it a new book? No. Was it a pretty new scarf? No. Was it even those little shampoo’s from the hotel? No. So what did my boyfriend just have to bring back with him? Germs and lots of them. He brought me back a friggin’ cold.

Now he claims that it wasn’t him who infected me but since he is saying this while stuffing Kleenex in his pockets I don’t believe him. Thinking he was being funny he said “Maybe it was your other boyfriend that got you sick while I was away,Ha,Ha” (For all the men out there be careful when you are trying to be funny when your lady is going through menopause but really don’t try and be funny when she is menopausal &  sick) Yes thats exactly what I did, as sick as I am I must have had an affair with the monkey from “Outbreak”.

The funny thing about my current state (mind you I am typing this with tissues stuffed up my nose, needless to say I am one pretty sexy lady, even my cat is running in fear of me) is that I didn’t even know I was getting sick. I have been feeling tired and warm for a few days but frankly since my surgery I always feel like I have a temperature & am always about to fall asleep so no warning flags really popped up. Until I woke up with one eye crusted shut and I thought to myself, well this a weird, new menopause symptom.

So I jump onto WebMD trying to type with only one eye, after reading nothing I call my doctor. “Well it sounds like you might just have a bad cold or sinus infection” his nurse tells me “That’s impossible I can’t have menopause and be sick that’s just not fair. It should be against the laws of nature, I mean aren’t I suffering enough?” She just laughs, “Sorry it doesn’t work that way” “Well it damn well should” I think as I hang up the phone.

Great not only am I a menopausal swamp monster but now I am a snot monster as well. So, now I have to add Vitamin C with my Vitamin E, my estrogen with a zinc lozenge and replace my sleep aid-Renew with friggin’ Thera-Flu.

{ the 5 doctors you will encounter }

January 27, 2011 § 1 Comment

This is the medical version of “The Five People You Meet in Heaven” I have found if you are a frequent visitor to hospitals and doctors office you will inevitably encounter the following 5 doctors.

1. THE NATURAL HEALER: I’m all for using herbal and natural remedies but this individual takes it to the extreme. They will try and use fish oil to fix a severed limb and promote positive thinking when dealing with a brain tumor. My encounter came when I had to switch gynecologists and she was the only one that had an opening (that should have tipped me off). At this point I was in severe pain, was tired all the time, had been bleeding for a month and my heart was racing, this was my consultation “Well those are some very real symptoms or should I say they feel real, but I truly believe enrolling in a yoga class, taking a multi-vitamin, and getting rid of sugar, you will be better in a month” Now don’t all you women feel silly out there you just needed a glass of carrot juice and get in goddess pose and you’ll be fine.

2. The Doctor Who Thinks he is House: No matter what you may have this doctor is determined that is a rare mystery that only his superior problem solving skills can figure out. If I had my way doctors would never watch the show “House” to prevent this very situation. I visited an Urgent Care doctor because I committed the cardinal sin of medicine-I got sick after office hours. All I had was a sinus infection, how do I know because I get one of these little bastards every cold season. Some nice antibiotics and a fudgesicle and I’m good to go, but not with this dude. First clue he was wearing tweed pants (never a good sign). He could not accept that such a boring diagnosis so I had to sit through the following questions “Have you been out of the country?”, “Have you had contact with a tribe of pygmies?”, “Do wild pack animals live in your apartment?”, “Have you recently been dancing on rusty nails?”, “No” and then he will get to his favorite part “Well I’ll have to run some tests” (my advice when he leaves the room run! because when he finally admits defeat and writes you a boring prescription the look of disappointment is just depressing, DAMN YOU HOUSE)

3. The Antique: This person was probably Wyatt Earp’s doctor. They believe that everything can be fixed with a splint and some Advil. Who needs anesthesia when whiskey is available? They will be wearing a pair of glasses, have another pair around their neck and have a pair on top of their head.

4. Way to Happy: You will instantly know this person when they walk in grinning like an idiot “Hey there, I’m Doctor*insert name here* and I hear your not feeling so good, that must make you feel a little down” “Um I feel like shit actually” “Oh well I bet you do with that attitude. Now take some deep breathes for me.” inhale/exhale “Oh looks like someone is a pro at this, I better get my A-game on”  (Mind you this person will be smiling the whole time while your thinking, if I had the same medication this fool is on I would never be sick again) My encounter will this person resulted in him actually trying to convince me that a mammogram would be fun.

5. The Chart is Never Wrong: This individual is easy to spot because literally their eyes will never look up from the chart (I always picture Gollum from Lord of the Rings, who will literally freak out once they are separated from their “Precious”) “So I see you are having problems with your penis” “Um I think you have he wrong chart” they won’t even look up “Impossible, that’s what the chart says” “Ok, but I’m a woman, no penis here” (accept the giant dick I’m talking to right now) “Nope, the chart says your a man” dead silence and they will not break their stare on the chart “So how long have you had these penis warts” “You are a complete boob, where the hell did you come from?” “I don’t know, give me a minute I’ll check the chart”

 

 

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