{ easter in the er }

May 18, 2011 § Leave a comment

You might have noticed that I have written anything in a while and it’s not because my uterus suddenly grew back and my menopause went away or I suddenly became less sarcastic, no the reason is because I had the weirdest (and with all the things I have gone through that really is saying something) infection of my life.

I will pick up the story where I left off with me getting a root canal. Well my dentist put me on an antibiotic and a few days later I started to feel really run down, tired and my stomach was all sorts of upset.You know how you have bad hair days, I thought I was just having  bad menopause  days. By Saturday it was apparent that something was wrong but I thought it might just be the stomach flu or food poisoning but upon waking up in the middle of night with stomach pain so extreme I couldn’t walk, Sunday I was on my way to the emergency room.

No mind you it is 3am on Easter Sunday and there is probably not a scarier place on earth to be than the emergency room. These are some of the people we encountered while waiting: a woman with a black eye telling the check in lady that she got in bar fight and has no idea where she’s at now, a man who got drunk and hit his head when he fell in a ditch, a victim of a knife fight, a woman who could only be described as a street-walker with a tight T-shirt with a leopard head on it and see through white stretch pants and gold gladiator sandals and a woman who was handcuffed to her chair.

So after being triaged this wonderful nurse decided that I wasn’t a hooker or a drunk so we got to wait in the back room this however was not much better. From these chairs I got to watch a woman pace the hall screaming “Lord help me, please help me. I want to die” and got to hear this coming from one of the rooms in front of us “Take your damn pills Karl” FUCK YOU, you can’t make me you Nazi “Listen you either take the pills or I will call security” Call security You crazy bitch, I’m not taking your communist pills “You know what I don’t care anymore don’t take your pills your just going to be back here in an hour anyway” So then we see a nurse leave the room and come back with two security guards (now mind you I am sick as a dog but I suddenly perk up because I might see a gun fight or someone might shoot me and put me out of my misery) When the guards enter I hear them say “Alright guy the party’s over let’s go” FUCK YOU, get away from me you devil “Take your pills and you can go” I’m not taking your pills. Die pigs. “Either you leave or we are going to drag you out of here” I’d like to see you try, you bastards. This just kept going on and on for about 15 minutes until he was escorted out screaming “You’ll never take me alive!” 

After seeing a social worker looking up and down the hall and overhearing him say to the nurse “Did you see a girl in a flannel shirt, Damn I think I lost my drug addict”  I finally got called into a room.

To be continued…………………….


{ crash into me part 1 }

March 3, 2011 § Leave a comment

It was bound to happen, I haven’t seen the inside of a hospital in over 3 months (which for me is some kind of record) so it was really no suprise when I got to visit it again this Friday. But it wasn’t due to any hysterctomy, hormone or womanly issues (also a record), no the reason I was there had to do with a man. A man who literally plowed into the back of my vehicle while my car was stuck in snow. To add some extra fun it was off the highway so he was doing about 35-40 (in a blizzard mind you) needless to say in the war against my little car and his 13 year old gremlin, I lost.

He knocks on my window as I’m draped over the steering wheel and starts yelling at me. Yes you heard me right this guys yells at me for being stuck and in his very important way. One of my favorite lines was “Why the hell did you stop?” It’s early, I’m not only extremly hormonal,I’m in pain and the accident triggered a hot flash so I’m hot as hell too. If I hadn’t been dizzy & worried I was going to pass out I would have summoned my menopausal superhuman strength and hurt that little man (no jury would convict me either)

I manage to drive myself the half mile to work and start feeling not only the normal effects of a car accident but severe stomach pain. Great I swear to god if I need another surgery because of that douche bag, I quit. Fast forward to me calling my doctor and explaining what happened and him basically yelling at me to go directly to the emergency room. Even though it has been 3 months since my surgery I am technically still in recovery so any injury has to be checked out. So emergency room here I come.

My adventures at the ER will be posted in Part 2 tomorrow!

{ stupid question saturday }

January 22, 2011 § Leave a comment



There is a great line in Toy Story where Sid is torturing toys and refers to himself as a doctor,  Buzz looks at Woody and says “ I don’t belive that man has ever been to medical school” Well since seeing that I have uttered that line quite a few times through my whole ordeal but never did it ring so true than the following instance. WARNING: You will not believe what you are reading you will think I am exaggerating or making the whole thing up but I have a witness ( for which I’m glad because I sometimes don’t believe it happened myself & it’s nice to have conformation that it wasn’t all in my head)

1year and half ago before I got the right diagnosis there were countless trips to doctors, specialists and the occasional emergency room visit (before I had insurance). Every time I went the symptoms were the same-severe nausea, headaches, dizziness, stomach pain & dizziness. Being a woman I would get the same two diagnosis’s:  I’m stressed or I was pregnant, not very original and pretty much what I expected them to say right off the bat ( just a fun side note in the past 2 years I have taken over 34 pregnancy tests )

But on this rare occasion I got a different diagnosis, one that left me and my boyfriend utterly speechless. The “doctor” walks in and says “Well I’ve seen the combination of symptoms before, it’s rare but it could explain what’s been going on with you” That’s great news. I can’t wait to get a possible answer. “Have you had surgery before?” Yes, several in fact (alright i’m thinking to myself now we’re getting somewhere) “Well have they ever checked to see if your organs were in the right place?” Excuse me? can you repeat that, I think I misheard you “It’s quite possible your organs are on the opposite side of where they should be” Are you fucking with me? “Or they could have moved” Are you telling me that you believe organs can just move form place to place in your body. It’s not like one day your kidney doesn’t like the neighborhood and relocates because there are better schools near the colon. “Ha, Ha your really funny.” “If my organs weren’t where they are supposed to be wouldn’t that have showed up on the ultrasound you just took?” “Oh that’s right, I didn’t think of that” Wait a minute I’m feeling a body part moving, it’s my foot about to make contact with your ass, idiot.

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