{ the waiting room aka the first circle of hell }

February 22, 2011 § Leave a comment

Dante describes the first circle of hell as waiting in limbo, obviously Dante had spent some time with is wife in gynecologists waiting rooms.

After your hysterectomy you will have a weekly follow up visit with your doctor, this is probably the first time you have left the house since the surgery so be prepared to be blinded by the light as you make your way outside (small children & dogs might run away from you). The other thing to consider is you are going to be encountering actual people so you must let go off your Spongebob jammies (they will be home waiting for you, I promise)

First off, my doctors office is on the third floor and there is no elevator which I never noticed before but being as I haven’t walked more than from the couch to the refrigator, I now am insainlypissed. These women have just had surgery, going through menopause and for fun we’ll make them climb steep ass metal stairs (typical male doctor). When you finally make it up Everest you enter the office and the receptionist gives you a smile (she really is congratualting you that you didn’t die on your way in or should I say up). My mom gets my paperwork as I collapse & look for a magazine “Why do these all have Sally Field on the cover?” Then I look to my left and then to my right,  I am the youngest person in here by 30 years. One woman actully has a walker and oxygen tank (which I’m convinced they gave her after taking the stairs)

I pull out my Chelsea Handler book while getting weird looks from the other women, especially at my shoes. They all are glaring at my polka dot heels, apprently I did get the memo to wear orthopedic shoes.  The nurse calls my name and I get up but she stops me and says “Oh sorry hun no family, but you can wait for your mother out here”

{ how does your garden grow }

December 30, 2010 § Leave a comment

So I must admit I have been avoiding going to the doctor. Why? It really has nothing to do of a fear of doctors or hospitals I am quite frankly sick of them. I’m sick of reciting my date of birth, social security number, health history, favorite color and what ever else they “need” to know, I’m thinking about getting it tattooed to me like that guy on Memento. I have been waking up from sleep in a panic & having trouble breathing-basically a panic attack at night.  But after sitting on the couch and literally my heart started to pound so rapidly I really thought I was having a heart attack , it lasted about a minute, hurt like hell and really knocked the wind clear out of me. I can pretend a lot of things don’t happen (like the second Sex and the City movie and that time I tried bangs) but there was no looking the other way about this (plus if I went through all this damn recovery with a hysterectomy just to die of a heart attack I would be so pissed and I will come back and haunt everybody). Also I have been peeing every two seconds lately so I was also going to get that checked out and secretly I can’t wait for them to ask me if I could be pregnant. I have to go to my family doctor and not my gynecologist because my gyno is 4 hours away ( a story for another day) so I spend a good 20 minutes filling out what the hell has been going on with me for the past few months. You know what I’m amazed at they have a box for you to check if you have had sex with someone with mad cow but not one box for a hysterectomy. I finally get called in and get to jump on the scale and while she is weighing me she says the following “Ahhh…. the holiday gotcha you, huh?” Now what the fuck is that? Yes I had some gingerbread, some stuffing and yes a half of a ham, so sue me I think I deserve to have some holiday goodies after what I’ve been through. So I say “well they said I would be bloated after surgery for a while” and she literally laughs ans says “ok sure, we’ll go with that”

So I’m in with the doctor and tell him my symptoms and he asks “When these palpations happen were you were working out?”(ahhh how cute he thinks I work out) so now i have to tell him my heart was working over time while I was vegging out. “Well it sounds like you have post surgery anxiety and your body and mind are trying to get used to your current situation. This is very common and I would like to put you on a mild anti-anxiety pill just to even you out before it gets worse” Ok so I’m not having a heart attack things are looking up! I also get to pee in a cup and I thought all the holiday fun was over. Just as I put on my coat I see him coming at me and looking at his clipboard (it’s never a good sign when they look at their clipboard). “Well it looks like you have a cluster of white cells which I’m going to start you on an antibiotic because it’s probably just a UTI but just to be on the safe side I’m sending it to the lab” and wait for it “we’re going to see if it grows anything and then give you a call” What do they think my pee is going to grow? I have visions of Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors actually eating the lab techs and all who cross it’s path. Personally I’m hoping for a nice herb garden some nice rosemary maybe even some thyme I’ll be set.  For now I have to wait for the results and see Menopause, Menopause quite contrary how does your garden grow?

to be continued……………………………….

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