January 17, 2013 § 2 Comments
One of the side effects of surgical menopause is that you have absolutely no immunity. None. If you see a sick person on TV you will be sick in two days. So it being flu season it is no surprise that I have a bitch of a sinus infection. However it is surprising that’s it’s easier to buy a gun at WalMart than it is to get Sudafed. This is not an anti or pro gun post. I think everyone can agree that we are more safe with me not having a gun. I once thought my neighbor was the Zodiac killer so it’s better that I remain unarmed.
Right now I could go into WalMart get a gun, I can buy 20 cartons of cigarettes, I can buy 32 bottles of vodka and I can even buy all the porn I want. But this is what happened at my local drug store. So let me set the scene for you: I look like death warmed over. I have on penguin pajama’s, and kleenex stuffed into my shirt sleeves. For those of you who don’t know me I am also 5’0 and have a huge mess of red hair. Basically I look like a unsexy, untalented version of Adele. Obviously I am running a meth lab( I can’t figure out how to make brownies let alone meth). I go to the pharmacist and take him the little card of what I want and he looks at me like he has just spotted one of “America’s Most Wanted”. He asks to see my license and literally looks at me, back at the license, looks at me, back at the license and must do this 5 more times (I am lucky this guy was never at the door of the bars I used to get into in college) He then takes my license and tells me to take a seat. So there I am sitting in my penguin pajama’s and blowing my nose. I look like a homeless woman who has wandered in to escape the cold.
After 20 minutes (this is not an exaggeration) he calls me up to the counter and asks me these series of questions “Are you buying these for you?”,”Have you purchased these in the past 6 months”, “Do you go to any other pharmacies?”, “Do you ever watch “Breaking Bad”?(Ok he didn’t ask me that but he might as well have) So after looking very suspiciously at me he turns his back to me, takes a key from around his neck and unlocks and huge metal box. Again I can pick up a gun and carry it through the store while I buy Kathy Ireland underwear but cold medicine is kept in Fort Knox. I am finally allowed to have my pack of Sudafed . The price tage $2.19. Seriously all that for something that costs less than a Milky Way. So I leave the store with my medicine clutched under my arm like Gollum & the ring( to be fair I think the whole Lord of the Rings trilogy was shorter than my ordeal. I secretly think that was what the whole journey was for. Frodo had a cold and he had to find a pharmacy that would give him a decongestant ).
I have my medicine but every once in a while I look down at them and mutter “My precious”
January 17, 2013 § 1 Comment
We all know it sucks to be sick but in an effort to look on the more positive side of things I am listing some reasons it’s sometime awesome to be sick.
1) People are obligated to take care of you. This right here is a reason to get married. No matter how much of an ugly troll you are, they have to tell you are beautiful & make you dinner. (I must say though if they are not used to making you dinner you may get an assortment of frozen pizza, ramen noodles and old crackers)
2) You don’t have to be depressed or unemployed to sleep all day.
3) It’s perfectly acceptable to watch Judge Judy all day. Any other day I hate daytime television but when I’m sick I can’t get enough.
4) You can wear a mismatch of clothes and wear pajamas everywhere. My outfit today: polka dot tights, oversized sweater, a huge yellow scarf and plaid boots. You feel like hell so you could care less what people think of you. You may be mistaken for a bag lady but heck your sick take the risk.
5) There’s no point in eating healthy. Your sick you have little or no appetite so what’s the point in eating health food? So eat that whole pie-tell everyone it will make you feel better.
and my favorite
6) You have an excuse not to go to work. If you work with people like I do, no one wants a sick person interacting with the public. Now you can’t do all the things you would like to do on a day off but it’s awesome to feel like your secretly doing something bad.
February 18, 2011 § Leave a comment
Apparently I’m not crazy after all (well at least as crazy as I thought I was).
This teaching term I have been assigned to just one room so I pretty much stay in there my entire day and in the last few weeks I have been hot as hell. I mean hot to the point of being beat red and sweating, I even had to start putting wet paper towels under my armpits to stop scaring my students (they are adults so at least I don’t have to worry about scaring them as they get older, the damage has already been done) It is the middle of winter but I have completely raided my summer clothes just so my work day can be tolerable. While the other teachers are layered in sweaters, coats and scarves, I’m punching in wearing short sleeves and my sandals.
I pretty much accepted the fact that my life was now one big hot flash and that I would never know what a cool breeze feels like again(and that my co-workers thought I had completely lost my mind or lost all my winter clothing in a fire). But today I go to work like normal and take my seat ready to sweat for my 8 hour shift and my boss walks in and literally almost falls over “Oh my god it’s roasting in here. Holy shit it is literally hot as hell in here.” You mean you can feel that too? “Of course I can feel it, it’s like a hundred degrees in here. How long has it been like this?” Three or Four weeks. “Why the heck didn’t you tell anybody? It’s unbearable in here!!”
Lesson learned: Sometimes you are a menopausal 29 year old with a hot flash and sometimes the damn heater is broken and permanently set to 85 degree’s.
February 6, 2011 § 1 Comment
So that herbal tea, yeah didn’t do a damn thing so I’m taking my chances and bringing out the big guns. Sweet nectar of the cold gods otherwise known as Pseudoephedrine. Unfortunately ever since the link between it and meth labs it is easier to walk out of Wal-Mart with a handgun than it is with a box of cold medicine.
You have to go to the pharmacy as you look longingly at the empty spot on the shelf where it used to be. Everybody else in this line is after the very same thing, how can you tell? First of all everyone looks like the Walking Dead, they have Kleenex stuffed in their sleeves and are coughing like an 80 year old smoker. You can see the magical drug kept behind the counter and for added measure they keep it behind bullet proof glass, literally piles of Vicodin are by the cash register but by all means keep the cold medicine on lock down.
So this little old lady in front of me asks for the cold medicine, fills out what seems to be more paperwork than I had at my surgery and then the phone lights up. As the pharmacist talks to who ever is on the other end they quickly turn from a delightful helpful person into a FBI profiler “Why do you need this?”, “When’s the last time you bought this?” “How many boxes have you already bought this year?” and then the scary thing they had a complete file on her “Do you care to explain why you bought a box of this same cold medicine last year around the same time at a different grocery store?” OH, crap they even know what you are doing at other stores in other states (just typical our government can’t work together but a Target in Florida knows exactly when you bought something from a Walgreens in Pennsylvania). What’s next she gets taken away with the men in black suits off to see if they can find the location of her meth lab?
It’s my turn. Do I get to pass the checkpoint to nasal freedom? They give you a whole form you have to fill out and I shit you not there is an essay question. Yes my friends an essay question, which reads something like this-Please explain in 300 words or less why you are buying this product today. Mine went something like this: I FEEL LIKE CRAP, IF I FELT ANYMORE LIKE CRAP I THINK I WOULD ACTUALLY BE CRAP, HELP ME. So after that a background check, fingerprint analysis and the promise of my first born (ha, ha jokes on them suckers) I now am permitted to buy one box of sweet relief. “Oh wait it says here you already bought a box about a month ago” Yeah, I say my boyfriend was sick “Well I’m sorry, no Sudafed for you” and with that it’s back to grass and twig tea.
February 5, 2011 § Leave a comment
After researching the after effects of a hysterectomy and surgical menopause one of the fun things they never tell you is that your immunity is basically non existent so for the next 6 months you are basically one giant germ sponge. Not only are you basically a serving buffet for all the germs in the universe but the average cold will double in duration, so I am writing this still as a giant snot monster.
The other issue is medication, normally with a cold you snort some Afrin, take some Sudafed and you are out like a light & feeling better in no time. Unfortunately I have learned the hormones I am on mixed with my other medication makes talking cold medicine highly risky(however if this cold gets any nastier I might take the chance of sprouting a tail or whatever else might happen).
My alternative is natural cold remedies which is code for tea, a shit load of tea, but not the good tea the “herbal tea”. The kind I bought had a grinning Indian Man on it so it must be good. I get it home and it literally smells like a bag of lawn clippings and I must say it doesn’t taste that much different. The visual I get is that the Indian man went outside decided that his lawn was unruly and started weeding. When he was finished he decided “Hey I can put all this shit in a tea” Don’t believe me I swear I just got a piece of twig in my last sip.
But I sit hear none the less drinking my lawn tea, watching a Lifetime movie(don’t judge me) and waiting for my boyfriend to bring me back lunch. Come to think of it he’s been gone for a long time, Oh crap maybe he finally escaped. Naaah, if he stuck around after the hysterectomy nothing should scare him off, right?
February 1, 2011 § 2 Comments
My boyfriend was out of town for a week and upon his return he brought me a present. Was it a new book? No. Was it a pretty new scarf? No. Was it even those little shampoo’s from the hotel? No. So what did my boyfriend just have to bring back with him? Germs and lots of them. He brought me back a friggin’ cold.
Now he claims that it wasn’t him who infected me but since he is saying this while stuffing Kleenex in his pockets I don’t believe him. Thinking he was being funny he said “Maybe it was your other boyfriend that got you sick while I was away,Ha,Ha” (For all the men out there be careful when you are trying to be funny when your lady is going through menopause but really don’t try and be funny when she is menopausal & sick) Yes thats exactly what I did, as sick as I am I must have had an affair with the monkey from “Outbreak”.
The funny thing about my current state (mind you I am typing this with tissues stuffed up my nose, needless to say I am one pretty sexy lady, even my cat is running in fear of me) is that I didn’t even know I was getting sick. I have been feeling tired and warm for a few days but frankly since my surgery I always feel like I have a temperature & am always about to fall asleep so no warning flags really popped up. Until I woke up with one eye crusted shut and I thought to myself, well this a weird, new menopause symptom.
So I jump onto WebMD trying to type with only one eye, after reading nothing I call my doctor. “Well it sounds like you might just have a bad cold or sinus infection” his nurse tells me “That’s impossible I can’t have menopause and be sick that’s just not fair. It should be against the laws of nature, I mean aren’t I suffering enough?” She just laughs, “Sorry it doesn’t work that way” “Well it damn well should” I think as I hang up the phone.
Great not only am I a menopausal swamp monster but now I am a snot monster as well. So, now I have to add Vitamin C with my Vitamin E, my estrogen with a zinc lozenge and replace my sleep aid-Renew with friggin’ Thera-Flu.