January 25, 2013 § 2 Comments
After my last post about me being an idiot I was flooded with emails from friends very happy to remind me of all of my other “stupid” moments. Ben was especially “helpful” in reminding me of all of my lapses in intelligence. So back by popular demand here are 5 more of the reasons I may be the stupidest person I have ever met.
1) What the Frack?
Ben & I were watching TV and the new Matt Damon movie trailer for “Promised Land” was playing. Ben was telling me what an important movie it was and how he wanted to see it. He was trying to explain fracking to me and marcellus shale. He was horrified when I asked “Who is Marcellus Shale? Is that who Matt Damon is playing?”
2) What I learned from David Hasselhoff
On an episode of “I love the 80’s” they were recapping the tearing down of the Berlin wall & how David Hasselhoff was singing at it. The announcer said how big he is in Germany & that’s why he was there. I was instantly confused and asked Ben why it mattered if he was big in Germany. Apparently the Berlin wall was not in Russia like I thought. Thanks Hoff.
3) I’m a MAC
As a designer I love all things MAC and apple & considered myself well versed in the history of the company. But when I was reading the Steve Jobs biography I had a A-HA moment or should I say an A-DUH moment. The author was recalling the making of the first Macintosh computer and then it dawned on me-Oh crap Macintosh is a type of apple, hence the name. Seriously I never put two & two together.
4) Oh Brother Where Art Thou
Did you know the mini-series Band of Brothers was not about the civil rights movement. Seriously I have no sense of history, if you haven’t noticed.
5) The Beatles
I was named after the song “Michelle” by the Beatles. I loved this song as long as I can remember I especially loved the part “Some day monkey won’t play piano on gum. Play piano on gum” What you don’t remember that part? That’s because apparently it doesn’t say that all it’s just the song in French. (Listen to the song you will never hear it the same way)
January 17, 2013 § 2 Comments
One of the side effects of surgical menopause is that you have absolutely no immunity. None. If you see a sick person on TV you will be sick in two days. So it being flu season it is no surprise that I have a bitch of a sinus infection. However it is surprising that’s it’s easier to buy a gun at WalMart than it is to get Sudafed. This is not an anti or pro gun post. I think everyone can agree that we are more safe with me not having a gun. I once thought my neighbor was the Zodiac killer so it’s better that I remain unarmed.
Right now I could go into WalMart get a gun, I can buy 20 cartons of cigarettes, I can buy 32 bottles of vodka and I can even buy all the porn I want. But this is what happened at my local drug store. So let me set the scene for you: I look like death warmed over. I have on penguin pajama’s, and kleenex stuffed into my shirt sleeves. For those of you who don’t know me I am also 5’0 and have a huge mess of red hair. Basically I look like a unsexy, untalented version of Adele. Obviously I am running a meth lab( I can’t figure out how to make brownies let alone meth). I go to the pharmacist and take him the little card of what I want and he looks at me like he has just spotted one of “America’s Most Wanted”. He asks to see my license and literally looks at me, back at the license, looks at me, back at the license and must do this 5 more times (I am lucky this guy was never at the door of the bars I used to get into in college) He then takes my license and tells me to take a seat. So there I am sitting in my penguin pajama’s and blowing my nose. I look like a homeless woman who has wandered in to escape the cold.
After 20 minutes (this is not an exaggeration) he calls me up to the counter and asks me these series of questions “Are you buying these for you?”,”Have you purchased these in the past 6 months”, “Do you go to any other pharmacies?”, “Do you ever watch “Breaking Bad”?(Ok he didn’t ask me that but he might as well have) So after looking very suspiciously at me he turns his back to me, takes a key from around his neck and unlocks and huge metal box. Again I can pick up a gun and carry it through the store while I buy Kathy Ireland underwear but cold medicine is kept in Fort Knox. I am finally allowed to have my pack of Sudafed . The price tage $2.19. Seriously all that for something that costs less than a Milky Way. So I leave the store with my medicine clutched under my arm like Gollum & the ring( to be fair I think the whole Lord of the Rings trilogy was shorter than my ordeal. I secretly think that was what the whole journey was for. Frodo had a cold and he had to find a pharmacy that would give him a decongestant ).
I have my medicine but every once in a while I look down at them and mutter “My precious”
January 13, 2013 § 2 Comments
I am not ashamed, My name is Michelle and I am addicted to Hallmark movies. I can’t help it, I love them. I cry at the movies and even the Hallmark commercials (I mean seriously she gives her grumpy teacher a Hallmark card & he smiles and asks her what she became and she says “A teacher just like you” I dare you not to tear up). They feed my addiction because they have a whole channel just for Hallmark movies. So if I want to cry for 24 hours straight I now have the perfect excuse. Here are my most popular life lessons from Hallmark.
1) There are only 6 acceptable professions for men. A fisherman, a sheriff, a lawyer (who will eventually give up their practice for the simple life -more on this later), coffee shop owner, architect or works in advertising (these two are inner changeable) and “the local guy” (no one knows what his job is but he drives a pickup truck, owns a dog and often seen wandering the streets doing good deeds).
2) There are only 6 acceptable professions for women. A waitress, owner of a cupcake shop or bakery, working in a bookstore, quirky artist (oh yeah I could be in a Hallmark movie), inn keeper and random local that no matter where she goes people know her & her entire life story.
3) When life gets tough your car will break down in the exact place you are supposed to spend the rest of your life. As an added bonus the mechanic (also the local priest or doctor) who finds your broken down car is the single nicest person in the world. They don’t have the part your car needs but don’t worry they won’t charge you for it.
4) When they want to show a “rough neighborhood” in a Hallmark movie they will show a person smoking in the back. Seriously thats as bad as it gets in the Hallmark world.
5) If you see a sheriff just know you will end up marrying him. He probably also just lost his wife in a car accident and there is a 50/50 chance that he is a single father.
6) Anyone who has a high powered, successful career in the city will eventually realize the benefits of moving back to their hometown and live the simple life.
7) Aunts & Uncles beware because your sister/brother is going to die and you will be given custody of their children. You will not be a great parent in the beginning but no fear you’ll eventually realize the joy of parenthood. 50/50 chance the kid will be mute. (also be prepared to only know you are the sole guardian when talking to the family lawyer, these things are never discussed before hand)
8) If your getting married don’t get too attached to the groom because he’s wrong for you. You’ll either meet your soul mate planning the wedding or your ex will be coming back into your life. You will realize he’s not the right guy when you look at him and he will be on his phone (you’ll only realize this is annoying in your hometown)
9) No matter what you do you can just leave work for a boat ride or a hike in the woods with the stranger that just came to town. You’ll talk about your life story and probably cry about your dead mother/father/sister/dog.
10) Everyone dies on Christmas eve.
January 11, 2013 § 2 Comments
It was Ben’s 30th birthday this Tuesday & with this event I noticed the striking difference between how people view events in a mans life & how they view that same event in a woman’s life. Let me illustrate the 3 most recent examples:
1) Turning 30
What people said to Ben: “Your so accomplished”,”You have your whole life ahead of you”,”30 is just the beginning”,”Your just scratching the surface of a bright future”, “You look so distinguished”,” What a great day!”, “I can’t believe your 30 you still look so young” and Congratulations! You should be so proud”
What people said to me: “It’s all down hill from here.”, “Your not young anymore”, “Are you still not married?”, “When are you going to settle down?”, “it’s time you started to think about what you are REALLY doing with your life”, “I’m so sorry. 30 is horrible.”, “You should really start using a moisturizer.Your skin starts to age when you turn 30.” and “Your just that much closer to 40” (*BONUS* I got a reminder for my yearly mammogram)
2) Getting a second cat
What people said to Ben: “Oh that’s great. Your so amazing taking in another cat.”, “Your so lucky”, “Your such a sensitive guy”, “I hope you adopt 3 more” and “That’s SO adorable”
What people said to me: “Oh no your becoming a cat lady”, “lucky you have a boyfriend”, “I better not see you on animal hoarders”,”How many cats is that now? 8.”, “Jeez, wasn’t one enough?” and “Oh god your 30, have multiple cats and unmarried ( and then they just walked away)
What people said to Ben: “How was your holiday?”, “What did Michelle get you?”,”Was Santa good to you?”,”You deserve a long vacation.”, “Have a great week playing with your new toys.” and “Merry Christmas!”
What people said to me: “Did you get a ring?”, “Was there a ring under the tree?”, “Are you engaged?”, “Did you get a ring?”, “Where’s the ring?” and “Did you get a ring?”
January 6, 2013 § 1 Comment
So for the most part I consider myself intelligent. I read books without any pictures, I can carry on a conversation about current events, I can write coherent sentences & I even teach students, so I know I don’t lack knowledge. All that beng said every once in a while I’m reminded of how utterly stupid I can be. Maybe stupidity isn’t the right word just totally unaware of the obvious (no I can’t sugar coat it it’s stupidity) Now since I consider you all friends I’m going to share 7 stories of utter stupidity with you so you can all feel better about yourselves & get a laugh at my expense. Ok here we go:
1) I just realized that if you put Kanga and Roo from Winnie the Pooh together it’s a Kangaroo (no seriously this blew my mind)
2) I thought the Hatfield’s & The McCoy’s was a mini-series on Enron & Bernie Madoff
3) In Cast Away with Tom Hanks I just thought Wilson was a clever name. Imagine my surprise when I was in WalMart & saw a whole bunch of volley ball’s with Wilson on them. You may think I put and two together but no I said “Oh they renamed them because of the film”
4) As me and Ben were taking a hike one day he asked me “Hey do you know what the Rock says?” to which I answered “Umm duh, “Can you smell what the Rock is cooking” I didn’t see why suddenly he was crying in laughter. Between him gasping for breathe he pointed to a historical monument in the shape of a rock with writing on it. Apparently he had meant the actual Rock and not my favorite wrestler turned actor The Rock.
5) Another Tom Hanks shocker in the movie Forrest Gump I was always baffled by why they showed Forrest with John Lennon. When we were watching that particular part I voiced my confusion for this “This part of the film doesn’t make any sense. Every other part has a point why is he having a conversation with John Lennon that leads nowhere” Ben just put on the song “Imagine” & walked out of the room with his head down.
6) Ben was watching the movie Amadeus and I asked what it was about. He gave me a blank stare and said “Umm Mozart” to which I said “What does Amadeus have to do with Mozart?” Apparently Mozart had a first name-who knew?
7) I thought Napoleon crossed the Delaware not George Washington (they both had blue jackets with buttons it’s confusing)
8) Jersey Boys turns out is not a musical adaption of “The Jersey Shore”(although I still say it would sell like crazy)
9) All these years I have been mishearing the song lyrics to a Prince song. I was singing in the car and Ben gave me one of his looks “What are you singing?” “this song” I replied “It’s Raspberry Beret not Raspberry Chevrolet. Why would you think it said Chevrolet?” “I thought it was the sequel to “Little Red Corvette”” It was not.
Hopefully after reading these if you are ever feeling down you can say “well at least I’m not as dumb as that woman” YOUR WELCOME.
December 30, 2012 § Leave a comment
Winter is upon us and I have a few easy tips to not be mistaken for a homeless nomad. I live in Erie, PA the epicenter for a snow dump yard. Many days I need to just need to go outside to grab some gas, pick up a pizza or just a snack (ok tubs of Ben & Jerry’s) from the gas station. What I learned from doing this last year is that I kind of resembled a homeless Italian grandmother. So I have complied some full proof tips to avoid actually getting ready but still not scare the towns people.
1) Invest in Black Pajama’s or Yoga Pants. Why? Because at first glance they can be mistaken for actual pants. Stay away from any PJ’s with prints on them especially the Christmas penguins that I tried to rock out last year. In retrospect I looked liked a mental patient out on a day pass.
2) Invest in a very big, very distracting scarf. Why? You can wrap it around your neck which can help in a variety of areas. It hides all the stains on your shirt, it distracts people long enough to think you put effort into your appearance and it will fool people into thinking you are cold like everyone else & not suffering from hot flashes-Perfect!
3) Resist the urge to tuck your pants into your boots. This may be hard but resist it, do not give in to the dark side.
4) If you wear glasses like me invest in a pair with the biggest, blackest rims possible. Why? The bigger the rims the less area where people can see your eyes. No eyes visible no makeup required.
5) No floppy winter hats. It’s a dead give away that you haven’t washed your hair in days. Put your hair in a messy bun & throw in snow for good measure. People will assume you tried and it was just a victim to the windy conditions outside.
Hope these help and good luck out there.
Hey do you have a tip? Feel free to share it in the comments.
February 23, 2012 § Leave a comment
so if you can follow the logic of this please email me & explain it to me, maybe I’m missing something
Just a quick recap in case you didn’t read my last few posts. First, shame on you my posts are hilarious. Second, they found a lump in my breast and I had to set up a consultation with a surgical oncologist ( see you totally missed all the funny parts, so there)
Unlike normal doctors appointments this one is mailed to you in a huge packet (which I’m convinced they do so you’ll be excited when you open it. Oooo are these my wine glasses for the bath tub I ordered off of eBay? nope, just cleverly disguised paperwork) It’s like you won an invite to an amazing, exclusive party, almost like Cinderella getting asked to the ball. They should have a little guy in a carriage announce it “Lady Michelle, You and your lumpy breasts have been cordially invited to the mammogram ball. Hence forth it will be held on the next fort night. Please adorn yourself in your finest wears since you will be showing off your ample bosoms to the entire kingdom. So it is written, so it is done. (I may have inter mixed my time periods)” The other thing that is different is that you have no control over the appointment, they could schedule you for 2am on a Sunday and guess what, that’s when your going.What that day you happen to be the maid of honor in your sisters wedding too damn bad, the surgical gods have spoken. Perhaps I’m getting a bit off track, all right time to stick with the original story:
My appointment happens to be in the very same office as my mammogram & sonogram was taken, so I was excited when one of the requirements was the following: Make sure to bring all films to your consultation. Lack of films will result in the cancellation of your appointment and a $25 rescheduling fee. Please call to verify that you have your films. Perfect they have my films there, so I don’t have do any prep work. I call the office and say, Hello, I have an appointment and am calling to verify that I have my films, well actually you have my films. “Did you bring them by the office already?” No, but I had my tests done in your office so you have my films. “You still have to get a copy of them and bring them in with you.” Excuse me.“You still have to get copies of your films in order to keep your appointment” But you have them there, they are in the same office. “It doesn’t matter ma’am, it’s the procedure.” Um… I’m sorry, I’m not understanding. “Ma’am to keep your consultation you must produce us with a copy of your films” Yes, but you have my films. You took the original films, they are there now. “You still need to follow the procedure, miss” Ok I promise I’m not trying to be difficult but let me just make sure I have this 100% right. I have to come to your office, the same office I have my appointment get copies of my films, even though you have the originals. Then I need to call you back confirm that I got my films from you and then on the day of my appointment come back to the same office and hand my films to you at the desk, the same person that made me the copies of the films. Do I have that right? “Yes, ma’am I’m glad we could clear up the confusion.” Click.