February 17, 2013 § Leave a comment
I don’t know if it’s being 30 or the fact that I feel like I’ve lost 2 years to being sick but I just feel like I am behind with all the things I want to do in my life. So instead of actually taking action I came up with a much more realistic plan. That’s right, I built a time machine and I am going to interview my two younger selves. I’m going to see what my 20 year old & 8 year old self thinks about where I’m at in life. Perhaps this will give me the much needed perspective.
My 20 year old self.
What are you wearing? “I didn’t really have any idea what to wear, time traveling and all so I thought my PJ’s would be most comfortable.”
So what is our life like, are we famous yet? “Um, not quite. We work at a school and freelance on the side.”
I guess that’s cool. What about our boyfriend is he hot? Is he covered in tattoo’s & has a faux hawk? “Actually he’s a Republican who wears brown loafers and all different kinds of argile.”
“Is he at least in a band? ” He played the trombone in marching band.”
Why are you sweating? “Oh, it’s the hot flashes”
Wait how far in the future are you? “Oh, yeah you should probably know. We are going to go through menopause before 30.” Stunned Silence.
“Let’s change the subject. What are you going to do tonight?” I have no idea. Hopefully some friends will stop by and we’ll probably go out later. It’s way to early to tell.
“It’s almost 7:00pm on a Tuesday and you have school tomorrow. Maybe if you studied more we wouldn’t be working at a crappy job. Sorry, it’s the hormones.”
“Well it’s getting late. But I want to leave you with some advice: Don’t spend all your money on VHS tapes they are going to useless in a few years, don’t bother buying pregnancy tests, your infertile, go nuts, don’t eat anything in a mall food court and wear nice underwear everyday because we are going to get hit by a drunk driver & will be seen by the entire medical staff in our granny panties.”
It was nice meeting you, I guess. Hey, can you buy me alcohol before you leave?
So a case of Mikes Hard Lemonade later, I was on my way to visit my 8 year old self.
” Thanks. What are you doing?” Finger painting!!! I love drawing so much.
“Well in the future that will be part of your job.” Wait, we get to draw all day and get money for it. That’s so cool. “I guess it is cool.”
What’s being grown up like? “It’s pretty much the same, we live a little town with a pretty great guy.” Ewwwww. Boys are gross. “Yeah most of the time. Plus we have two cats.” Kitties!!!
Do you want some of Lip Smackers chap stick? It’s Dr. Pepper flavored. “I think I will thanks.” I would invite you into my blanket fort but it’s almost time for dinner. We are having grilled cheese & dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.Want some?
“No. You actually become a vegetarian.” Your silly!!
“Anything you want to ask me before I go?” Do we ever get to meet Minnie Mouse? “Yep. We have been to Disney World, Italy, New York City, Maine all over really.”
I get to live by myself with kitties, draw all day and stay up as long as I want.Plus you get to wear your PJ’s when it’s not bed time. I can’t wait to grow up, it’s going to be so cool!!
January 25, 2013 § 2 Comments
After my last post about me being an idiot I was flooded with emails from friends very happy to remind me of all of my other “stupid” moments. Ben was especially “helpful” in reminding me of all of my lapses in intelligence. So back by popular demand here are 5 more of the reasons I may be the stupidest person I have ever met.
1) What the Frack?
Ben & I were watching TV and the new Matt Damon movie trailer for “Promised Land” was playing. Ben was telling me what an important movie it was and how he wanted to see it. He was trying to explain fracking to me and marcellus shale. He was horrified when I asked “Who is Marcellus Shale? Is that who Matt Damon is playing?”
2) What I learned from David Hasselhoff
On an episode of “I love the 80’s” they were recapping the tearing down of the Berlin wall & how David Hasselhoff was singing at it. The announcer said how big he is in Germany & that’s why he was there. I was instantly confused and asked Ben why it mattered if he was big in Germany. Apparently the Berlin wall was not in Russia like I thought. Thanks Hoff.
3) I’m a MAC
As a designer I love all things MAC and apple & considered myself well versed in the history of the company. But when I was reading the Steve Jobs biography I had a A-HA moment or should I say an A-DUH moment. The author was recalling the making of the first Macintosh computer and then it dawned on me-Oh crap Macintosh is a type of apple, hence the name. Seriously I never put two & two together.
4) Oh Brother Where Art Thou
Did you know the mini-series Band of Brothers was not about the civil rights movement. Seriously I have no sense of history, if you haven’t noticed.
5) The Beatles
I was named after the song “Michelle” by the Beatles. I loved this song as long as I can remember I especially loved the part “Some day monkey won’t play piano on gum. Play piano on gum” What you don’t remember that part? That’s because apparently it doesn’t say that all it’s just the song in French. (Listen to the song you will never hear it the same way)
January 18, 2013 § 2 Comments
A hysterectomy for most women is a personal & overwhelming life style change. More often than not women find it very embarrassing. Especially young women. Luckily I have no shame so I am going to answer questions that maybe you are too uncomfortable to ask.
1) Will I gain weight?
Yes. I wish this wasn’t true but it is. Ignore all that business about “well if you just eat right” I ate all organic vegetarian food and I still gained 20 pounds. It’s normal, it sucks but it’s normal. The up side: This should NOT be reason to rule this out. It eventually evens out & you will go back to your normal self. Plus in the mean time enjoy it ( I know am I crazy) Take advantage of the fact no one will say anything because you’ve had surgery for god’s sake and really your the only one who will notice-Promise.
2) Will I loose bladder control?
Yes and No. Some women (usually older) will have problems with bladder control, but with younger women you should not have a problem. But I will fill you in on a little known secret, (doctors didn’t not warn me of this possibility) So we are friends so I have no problem telling you my pee story. Two days after my surgery I stood up and just peed, oh yeah no warning just pee. Luckily no one was home (except the cat who found it hilarious) and luckily it only happened once. The up side: You just got to hear a story about me peeing myself what more of an up side do you need?
3) Will I loose interest in sex?
No. In fact you might be a bit more frisky. Without the pain that caused you to get a hysterectomy and without the worry about getting knocked up you will be back to your vixen self in no time. The up side: This is more for your life partner but with this added bonus he won’t care so much when you are a emotional wreck.
4) How bad are hot flashes?
Fuckin horrible. Don’t let any quack tell you that it’s just a matter of being warm. It feels like you are in a sauna. You will feel like you have a fever and are on fire from the inside. And don’t let the name fool you it’s never a flash. It can last for a minute or and half an hour. Be aware of the night sweats as well they are the worst. The up side: I haven’t had to buy a winter coat for two years and our heat bills in the winter have been drastically lowered.
5) Do I still need to see my gynecologist?
Yes. Don’t be ashamed of this question my mom (who is a nurse asked me this) You still have lady parts so yes you still have to see your gynecologist. The up side: Have fun with it. Tell them you think your pregnant. Trust me it’s hilarious.
6) How bad are the mood swings?
Perhaps I should let Ben to answer this question because he has been on the receiving end of my ,um shall we say “outbursts”. They are pretty bad I remember crying because I only had one Oreo cookie left (in retrospect this may been my reaction before menopause). The worst was Ben came home and asked me how my day was and I almost killed him with a shoe. Understand that this is normal and they are uncontrollable(despite what any one else tells you) The up side: You now have a perfect excuse to get out of any situation. Start crying people will just walk away.
So do you have a question? Seriously nothing is off limits. I would love to answer it for you. Leave your questions in the comments below.
January 17, 2013 § 2 Comments
One of the side effects of surgical menopause is that you have absolutely no immunity. None. If you see a sick person on TV you will be sick in two days. So it being flu season it is no surprise that I have a bitch of a sinus infection. However it is surprising that’s it’s easier to buy a gun at WalMart than it is to get Sudafed. This is not an anti or pro gun post. I think everyone can agree that we are more safe with me not having a gun. I once thought my neighbor was the Zodiac killer so it’s better that I remain unarmed.
Right now I could go into WalMart get a gun, I can buy 20 cartons of cigarettes, I can buy 32 bottles of vodka and I can even buy all the porn I want. But this is what happened at my local drug store. So let me set the scene for you: I look like death warmed over. I have on penguin pajama’s, and kleenex stuffed into my shirt sleeves. For those of you who don’t know me I am also 5’0 and have a huge mess of red hair. Basically I look like a unsexy, untalented version of Adele. Obviously I am running a meth lab( I can’t figure out how to make brownies let alone meth). I go to the pharmacist and take him the little card of what I want and he looks at me like he has just spotted one of “America’s Most Wanted”. He asks to see my license and literally looks at me, back at the license, looks at me, back at the license and must do this 5 more times (I am lucky this guy was never at the door of the bars I used to get into in college) He then takes my license and tells me to take a seat. So there I am sitting in my penguin pajama’s and blowing my nose. I look like a homeless woman who has wandered in to escape the cold.
After 20 minutes (this is not an exaggeration) he calls me up to the counter and asks me these series of questions “Are you buying these for you?”,”Have you purchased these in the past 6 months”, “Do you go to any other pharmacies?”, “Do you ever watch “Breaking Bad”?(Ok he didn’t ask me that but he might as well have) So after looking very suspiciously at me he turns his back to me, takes a key from around his neck and unlocks and huge metal box. Again I can pick up a gun and carry it through the store while I buy Kathy Ireland underwear but cold medicine is kept in Fort Knox. I am finally allowed to have my pack of Sudafed . The price tage $2.19. Seriously all that for something that costs less than a Milky Way. So I leave the store with my medicine clutched under my arm like Gollum & the ring( to be fair I think the whole Lord of the Rings trilogy was shorter than my ordeal. I secretly think that was what the whole journey was for. Frodo had a cold and he had to find a pharmacy that would give him a decongestant ).
I have my medicine but every once in a while I look down at them and mutter “My precious”
January 17, 2013 § 1 Comment
We all know it sucks to be sick but in an effort to look on the more positive side of things I am listing some reasons it’s sometime awesome to be sick.
1) People are obligated to take care of you. This right here is a reason to get married. No matter how much of an ugly troll you are, they have to tell you are beautiful & make you dinner. (I must say though if they are not used to making you dinner you may get an assortment of frozen pizza, ramen noodles and old crackers)
2) You don’t have to be depressed or unemployed to sleep all day.
3) It’s perfectly acceptable to watch Judge Judy all day. Any other day I hate daytime television but when I’m sick I can’t get enough.
4) You can wear a mismatch of clothes and wear pajamas everywhere. My outfit today: polka dot tights, oversized sweater, a huge yellow scarf and plaid boots. You feel like hell so you could care less what people think of you. You may be mistaken for a bag lady but heck your sick take the risk.
5) There’s no point in eating healthy. Your sick you have little or no appetite so what’s the point in eating health food? So eat that whole pie-tell everyone it will make you feel better.
and my favorite
6) You have an excuse not to go to work. If you work with people like I do, no one wants a sick person interacting with the public. Now you can’t do all the things you would like to do on a day off but it’s awesome to feel like your secretly doing something bad.
January 13, 2013 § 2 Comments
I am not ashamed, My name is Michelle and I am addicted to Hallmark movies. I can’t help it, I love them. I cry at the movies and even the Hallmark commercials (I mean seriously she gives her grumpy teacher a Hallmark card & he smiles and asks her what she became and she says “A teacher just like you” I dare you not to tear up). They feed my addiction because they have a whole channel just for Hallmark movies. So if I want to cry for 24 hours straight I now have the perfect excuse. Here are my most popular life lessons from Hallmark.
1) There are only 6 acceptable professions for men. A fisherman, a sheriff, a lawyer (who will eventually give up their practice for the simple life -more on this later), coffee shop owner, architect or works in advertising (these two are inner changeable) and “the local guy” (no one knows what his job is but he drives a pickup truck, owns a dog and often seen wandering the streets doing good deeds).
2) There are only 6 acceptable professions for women. A waitress, owner of a cupcake shop or bakery, working in a bookstore, quirky artist (oh yeah I could be in a Hallmark movie), inn keeper and random local that no matter where she goes people know her & her entire life story.
3) When life gets tough your car will break down in the exact place you are supposed to spend the rest of your life. As an added bonus the mechanic (also the local priest or doctor) who finds your broken down car is the single nicest person in the world. They don’t have the part your car needs but don’t worry they won’t charge you for it.
4) When they want to show a “rough neighborhood” in a Hallmark movie they will show a person smoking in the back. Seriously thats as bad as it gets in the Hallmark world.
5) If you see a sheriff just know you will end up marrying him. He probably also just lost his wife in a car accident and there is a 50/50 chance that he is a single father.
6) Anyone who has a high powered, successful career in the city will eventually realize the benefits of moving back to their hometown and live the simple life.
7) Aunts & Uncles beware because your sister/brother is going to die and you will be given custody of their children. You will not be a great parent in the beginning but no fear you’ll eventually realize the joy of parenthood. 50/50 chance the kid will be mute. (also be prepared to only know you are the sole guardian when talking to the family lawyer, these things are never discussed before hand)
8) If your getting married don’t get too attached to the groom because he’s wrong for you. You’ll either meet your soul mate planning the wedding or your ex will be coming back into your life. You will realize he’s not the right guy when you look at him and he will be on his phone (you’ll only realize this is annoying in your hometown)
9) No matter what you do you can just leave work for a boat ride or a hike in the woods with the stranger that just came to town. You’ll talk about your life story and probably cry about your dead mother/father/sister/dog.
10) Everyone dies on Christmas eve.
January 12, 2013 § Leave a comment
Anyone who knows me knows that over the years I have had my fair share of weird (some would say idiotic) theories. Now before you stop reading, these are not goverment conspiracy theories and have no real value what so ever. However I think I’m on to something with these (however my friends may tend to disagree with me & are probably embarrassed that I’m still holding on to them & that they are now in writing). These are the 4 ones I hold most dear.
1) Celebrity Impostors
I have believed for many years that the following two celebrities are the same people. I haven’t figured out why they would want to dress in drag and pose as the other person but I can’t have all the answers can I? How more people have not uncovered this is beyond me. Howard Stern and Annie Leibovitz are really the same person as are Quentin Tarantino and Uma Thurman. Don’t believe me look at these pictures.
2) Keanu Reeves is the greatest actor of our time
Maybe you could say this is more of an opinion but I say no, this is a fact. What other actor has traveled through time, been a doctor, coached an inner city baseball team, was the son of the devil but defeated his plans for armageddon, fought demons, was an alien who saved the entire human race, defeated the grim reaper in Twister, has a time traveling mailbox with Sandra frickin’ Bullock on the other end, was a cop surfer, stopped a speeding bus and of course he delivered us from The Matrix. He has been robbed of his Oscar long enough.
3) George Bush’s speech writers tried to help him out but failed
I know I said nothing political but this really has nothing to do with his politics. This is something that can bring both right & left together (see I’m single handily solving the division in Washington) Do you remember when George Bush would give a speech and he would tell you the definition of the words while he was saying them? And these were common words I mean no one was wondering what they meant. Example “We must never surrender, that means we will never give in to the enemy” and “We need to unify, that means work together” Well my theory is that the speech writers wrote the definition’s in his teleprompter so he would know what he was saying but never intended for him to read them. Seriously can’t you see this as a SNL sketch?
and my favorite 4) Independence Day is the sequel to ET
Think about it. I believe ET was a spy sent here to gather all of our secrets & weaknesses. They dressed him up in a baby alien suit because they knew Earthlings would take pity on him & think he was harmless. You can’t convince me that they have the technology to fly across galaxies and can convert a speak n spell to a friggin iphone but some how he got lost. We let him get back on the ship and 10 years later Independence Day happened. How did they know where all our major landmarks were and where to hit us? That little bastard Elliot thats how.