{ the waiting room aka the first circle of hell }

February 22, 2011 § Leave a comment

Dante describes the first circle of hell as waiting in limbo, obviously Dante had spent some time with is wife in gynecologists waiting rooms.

After your hysterectomy you will have a weekly follow up visit with your doctor, this is probably the first time you have left the house since the surgery so be prepared to be blinded by the light as you make your way outside (small children & dogs might run away from you). The other thing to consider is you are going to be encountering actual people so you must let go off your Spongebob jammies (they will be home waiting for you, I promise)

First off, my doctors office is on the third floor and there is no elevator which I never noticed before but being as I haven’t walked more than from the couch to the refrigator, I now am insainlypissed. These women have just had surgery, going through menopause and for fun we’ll make them climb steep ass metal stairs (typical male doctor). When you finally make it up Everest you enter the office and the receptionist gives you a smile (she really is congratualting you that you didn’t die on your way in or should I say up). My mom gets my paperwork as I collapse & look for a magazine “Why do these all have Sally Field on the cover?” Then I look to my left and then to my right,  I am the youngest person in here by 30 years. One woman actully has a walker and oxygen tank (which I’m convinced they gave her after taking the stairs)

I pull out my Chelsea Handler book while getting weird looks from the other women, especially at my shoes. They all are glaring at my polka dot heels, apprently I did get the memo to wear orthopedic shoes.  The nurse calls my name and I get up but she stops me and says “Oh sorry hun no family, but you can wait for your mother out here”

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{ the 5 doctors you will encounter }

January 27, 2011 § 1 Comment

This is the medical version of “The Five People You Meet in Heaven” I have found if you are a frequent visitor to hospitals and doctors office you will inevitably encounter the following 5 doctors.

1. THE NATURAL HEALER: I’m all for using herbal and natural remedies but this individual takes it to the extreme. They will try and use fish oil to fix a severed limb and promote positive thinking when dealing with a brain tumor. My encounter came when I had to switch gynecologists and she was the only one that had an opening (that should have tipped me off). At this point I was in severe pain, was tired all the time, had been bleeding for a month and my heart was racing, this was my consultation “Well those are some very real symptoms or should I say they feel real, but I truly believe enrolling in a yoga class, taking a multi-vitamin, and getting rid of sugar, you will be better in a month” Now don’t all you women feel silly out there you just needed a glass of carrot juice and get in goddess pose and you’ll be fine.

2. The Doctor Who Thinks he is House: No matter what you may have this doctor is determined that is a rare mystery that only his superior problem solving skills can figure out. If I had my way doctors would never watch the show “House” to prevent this very situation. I visited an Urgent Care doctor because I committed the cardinal sin of medicine-I got sick after office hours. All I had was a sinus infection, how do I know because I get one of these little bastards every cold season. Some nice antibiotics and a fudgesicle and I’m good to go, but not with this dude. First clue he was wearing tweed pants (never a good sign). He could not accept that such a boring diagnosis so I had to sit through the following questions “Have you been out of the country?”, “Have you had contact with a tribe of pygmies?”, “Do wild pack animals live in your apartment?”, “Have you recently been dancing on rusty nails?”, “No” and then he will get to his favorite part “Well I’ll have to run some tests” (my advice when he leaves the room run! because when he finally admits defeat and writes you a boring prescription the look of disappointment is just depressing, DAMN YOU HOUSE)

3. The Antique: This person was probably Wyatt Earp’s doctor. They believe that everything can be fixed with a splint and some Advil. Who needs anesthesia when whiskey is available? They will be wearing a pair of glasses, have another pair around their neck and have a pair on top of their head.

4. Way to Happy: You will instantly know this person when they walk in grinning like an idiot “Hey there, I’m Doctor*insert name here* and I hear your not feeling so good, that must make you feel a little down” “Um I feel like shit actually” “Oh well I bet you do with that attitude. Now take some deep breathes for me.” inhale/exhale “Oh looks like someone is a pro at this, I better get my A-game on”  (Mind you this person will be smiling the whole time while your thinking, if I had the same medication this fool is on I would never be sick again) My encounter will this person resulted in him actually trying to convince me that a mammogram would be fun.

5. The Chart is Never Wrong: This individual is easy to spot because literally their eyes will never look up from the chart (I always picture Gollum from Lord of the Rings, who will literally freak out once they are separated from their “Precious”) “So I see you are having problems with your penis” “Um I think you have he wrong chart” they won’t even look up “Impossible, that’s what the chart says” “Ok, but I’m a woman, no penis here” (accept the giant dick I’m talking to right now) “Nope, the chart says your a man” dead silence and they will not break their stare on the chart “So how long have you had these penis warts” “You are a complete boob, where the hell did you come from?” “I don’t know, give me a minute I’ll check the chart”

 

 

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