Interview with my 20 year old & 8 year old self

February 17, 2013 § Leave a comment

I don’t know if it’s being 30 or the fact that I feel like I’ve lost 2 years to being sick but I just feel like I am behind with all the things I want to do in my life. So instead of actually taking action I came up with a much more realistic plan. That’s right, I built a time machine and I am going to interview my two younger selves. I’m going to see what my 20 year old & 8 year old self thinks about where I’m at in life. Perhaps this will give me the much needed perspective.

My 20 year old self. 

Scan 5“Well hello 20 year old Michelle.” Oh my gosh is that really what my hair is going to look like in 10 years. “Well yeah.”  And we have glasses, ever thought about contacts?

What are you wearing? “I didn’t really have any idea what to wear, time traveling and all so I thought my PJ’s would be most comfortable.”

So what is our life like, are we famous yet? “Um, not quite. We work at a school and freelance on the side.”

I guess that’s cool. What about our boyfriend is he hot? Is he covered in tattoo’s &  has a faux hawk? “Actually he’s a Republican who wears brown loafers and all different kinds of argile.”

“Is he at least in a band? ” He played the trombone in marching band.”

Why are you sweating? “Oh, it’s the hot flashes”

Wait how far in the future are you? “Oh, yeah you should probably know. We are going to go through menopause before 30.” Stunned Silence.

“Let’s change the subject. What are you going to do tonight?” I have no idea. Hopefully some friends will stop by and we’ll probably go out later. It’s way to early to tell.

“It’s almost 7:00pm on a Tuesday and you have school tomorrow. Maybe if you studied more we wouldn’t be working at a crappy job. Sorry, it’s the hormones.”

“Well it’s getting late. But I want to leave you with some advice: Don’t spend all your money on VHS tapes they are going to useless in a few years, don’t bother buying pregnancy tests, your infertile, go nuts, don’t eat anything in a mall food court and wear nice underwear everyday because we are going to get hit by a drunk driver & will be seen by the entire medical staff in our granny panties.”

It was nice meeting you, I guess. Hey, can you buy me alcohol before you leave?

So a case of Mikes Hard Lemonade later, I was on my way to visit my 8 year old self.

Scan 4“Hello 8 year old Michelle.” “Hi, hey your wearing glasses and they are pretty and sparkly”

” Thanks. What are you doing?” Finger painting!!! I love drawing so much.

“Well in the future that will be part of your job.” Wait, we get to draw all day and get money for it. That’s so cool. “I guess it is cool.”

What’s being grown up like? “It’s pretty much the same, we live a little town with a pretty great guy.” Ewwwww. Boys are gross. “Yeah most of the time. Plus we have two cats.” Kitties!!!

Do you want some of Lip Smackers chap stick? It’s Dr. Pepper flavored. “I think I will thanks.” I would invite you into my blanket fort but it’s almost time for dinner. We are having grilled cheese & dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.Want some?

“No. You actually become a vegetarian.” Your silly!!

“Anything you want to ask me before I go?” Do we ever get to meet Minnie Mouse? “Yep. We have been to Disney World, Italy, New York City, Maine all over really.”

I get to live by myself with kitties, draw all day and stay up as long as I want.Plus you get to wear your PJ’s when it’s not bed time. I can’t wait to grow up, it’s going to be so cool!!

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Fuck you recommended reading lists

January 19, 2013 § 2 Comments

ImageAwhile back in an effort to improve myself (why does this statement always led to a dark, disappointing road) I had the idea that I needed more culture in my life. My plan was to read all the books on the “100 books you should read before you die”list. These are the classics,  these are the books people talk about at dinner parties (now I don’t go to dinner parties but maybe it’s because I haven’t read these books) My plan was perfect, this is exactly what I need to be the more intelligent, more sophisticated Michelle. 

I started off with Wuthering Heights. Seriously I have never read a more depressing book in my life. This is supposed to be a romance but instead the guy verbally abuses his wife while lusting after a friggin’ ghost. However,  I was not going to be discouraged so I moved on to the Grapes of Wrath, which I have to confess I could not get past the drought.I was hoping it was about wine(you know like Sideways) Then on to starving & TB in Les’Miserables and pedophilia in Lolita. What the hell? I thought these were supposed to be good, uplifting books. I’m now just depressed and kind of grossed out. Ok, American Psycho that’s on the list. Holy Shit, this book is disgusting and scary as hell. It should have been titled hookers & chainsaws to warn people. Seriously, I still have nightmares about this damn book. At this point I am starting to question my project but me being stubborn I am determined to stick with it. 

After going through 40 or more books (that I could not bring myself to finish) I was subjected to a man who made perfume out of his murder victims, women having affairs in Russia, a lot of women who need to earn there place in society by having long walks & lots of talks about hourses, poverty in Brooklyn, poverty in London, poverty in France and a lot of references to Hemingway’s penis. These are what people should be reading? Really? If anything this encouraged me to never want to read (or leave my house for fear of being attacked by a murderous impoverished orphan) So I have happily accepted to be not a “literary intellect” and instead I’m going to grab my copy of Tina Fey’s new book, a glass of wine and enjoy the potential conversations with my cats about this classic. 

9 reasons I may be the stupidest person I know

January 6, 2013 § 1 Comment

ImageSo for the most part I consider myself intelligent. I read books without any pictures, I can carry on a conversation about current events, I can write coherent sentences & I even teach students,  so I know I don’t lack knowledge. All that beng said every once in a while I’m reminded of how utterly stupid I can be. Maybe stupidity isn’t the right word just totally unaware of the obvious (no I can’t sugar coat it it’s stupidity) Now since I consider you all friends I’m going to share 7 stories of utter stupidity with you so you can all feel better about yourselves & get a laugh at my expense. Ok here we go:

1) I just realized that if you put Kanga and Roo from Winnie the Pooh together it’s a Kangaroo (no seriously this blew my mind)

2) I thought the Hatfield’s & The McCoy’s was a mini-series on Enron & Bernie Madoff

3) In Cast Away with Tom Hanks I just thought Wilson was a clever name. Imagine my surprise when I was in WalMart & saw a whole bunch of volley ball’s with Wilson on them. You may think I put and two together but no I said “Oh they renamed them because of the film”

4) As me and Ben were taking a hike one day he asked me “Hey do you know what the Rock says?” to which I answered “Umm duh, “Can you smell what the Rock is cooking” I didn’t see why suddenly he was crying in laughter. Between him gasping for breathe he pointed to a historical monument in the shape of a rock with writing on it. Apparently he had meant the actual Rock and not my favorite wrestler turned actor The Rock.

5) Another Tom Hanks shocker in the movie Forrest Gump I was always baffled by why they showed Forrest with John Lennon. When we were watching that particular part I voiced my confusion for this “This part of the film doesn’t make any sense. Every other part has a point why is he having a conversation with John Lennon that leads nowhere” Ben just put on the song “Imagine” & walked out of the room with his head down. 

6) Ben was watching the movie Amadeus and I asked what it was about. He gave me a blank stare and said “Umm Mozart” to which I said “What does Amadeus have to do with Mozart?” Apparently Mozart had a first name-who knew?

7) I thought Napoleon crossed the Delaware not George Washington (they both had blue jackets with buttons it’s confusing)

8) Jersey Boys turns out is not a musical adaption of “The Jersey Shore”(although I still say it would sell like crazy)

and finally

9) All these years I have been mishearing the song lyrics to a Prince song. I was singing in the car and Ben gave me one of his looks “What are you singing?” “this song” I replied “It’s Raspberry Beret not Raspberry Chevrolet. Why would you think it said Chevrolet?” “I thought it was the sequel to “Little Red Corvette”” It was not.

Hopefully after reading these if you are ever feeling down you can say “well at least I’m not as dumb as that woman” YOUR WELCOME.

whats wrong with this ad?

November 29, 2012 § Leave a comment


When you have menopause when you are in your twenties you get to have ads sent to for the next 40 years of your life. Most are ridiculous(ok all of them are) and clearly have no idea what a women going through menopause actually wants or needs. Quite frankly I would like to not be reminded of menopause every time I open up my inbox, what happened to the good old days when all I had to worry about was pyramid schemes and sex toy spam. Instead I am being stalked by the AARP. So attached is the newest email I got to look at. For all of those you who might be new to menopause first welcome and second these offers might be very tempting but let me breakdown this ad for you. Clearly this woman has never been through menopause, how do I know? well firstly she is smiling in her underwear. No woman who has just had abdominal surgery is happy when she looks at herself in her underwear. Oh, but she has a towel to wrap around her, after a hysterectomy I needed a wedding tent  to completely cover up. Secondly, read the headline “Doctor’s Breakthrough” I hate to say this but no doctors are working on this they have erectile dysfunction to work on, it’s probably just Bayer Aspirin in a pink bottle. Third, there’s no such fucking thing as “menopause belly” if it existed why is it in quotes. Lastly, this woman looks like she is on the way to the beach, NO woman experiencing hot flashes is on her way to the beach. Your daily life is a day at the hot beach, you want to sweat you can just stay inside your house you don’t have to lie on hot sand. I have never heard a menopausal woman say ” I’m hot as hell you know what will really cool me off and day under the hot sun”

 

{ even my cat needed a hysterectomy }

November 21, 2012 § 1 Comment

Oh you read the headline right, I pretty sure I am like a magnet to a compass only I destroy all uterus’s that come in my vincity. I’m pretty sure I might be the Bermuda Triangle of reproductive health.About two weeks ago we started to see a stray cat at our back door and slowly began trying to lure it with food (hell I would go into a strangers house if they had random free treats), finally we built up enough trust  to get her inside. We had every intention of giving her a warm bed and meal and then off to our local shelter in the morning. However 1 hour later and one huge set of Puss’n’Boots eyes later it was pretty clear she wasn’t going anywhere. The next day I had a appointment with the vet to get her checked out, as they ran all the tests I was in the waiting room ready Dog Fancy. The vet soon called me back and gave me a run down of all the things wrong with her but easily fixed but then came this statement “and she’s pregnant!” “Pregnant?” Great of all the kittens I had to take in I got the town tramp.Oh god what if she was a cat hooker and her pimp will be coming looking for her. As understanding as Ben had been about one cat I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to be able to hide a littler of kittens (although I was already starting to think of hiding places, that’s not a kitten it’s just one of those googly eye cat clocks) As I was absorbing this information he leaned in, looked both ways and whispered “However, we can fix that with the spay, if your beliefs allow you” Holy crap he’s talking about a kitty abortion (perhaps I’m naive but I didn’t know there was such a thing) I am a feminist by nature and always vote for pro-choice but I didn’t know the rules for cats. Then I had this vision of me walking in the door and being surrounded by cat protesters with their pro-life signs & heckling us by throwing cat toys. Would she be shunned by the community & become an outcast amongst the other animals. Does Roe vs Wade apply to cats?

Let me fast forward to the next appointment where the vet comes out and says “Well she’s not pregnant she just has an infected, inflamed uterus” (Ahhh this brings me back) With that information my new kitty had to have a hysterectomy. After all the drama that I had to go through to get one I was a little amazed all it took was me saying “Ok”. No “what if she wants children someday?”, “she’s not getting any younger” or “maybe she should go home and ask her husband first” (oh yeah that happened to me) Just  hey she’s sick lets take it out. She didn’t have to put her paw on a paper that said “we can’t put it back” (yes that happened to me as well) Just a 3 days, mine took me just under 10 years.

Last night we were all curled up on the couch me, Ben, Page (our first cat) and Zephyr (our new cat) not one uterus between the four of us. I’m sure Ben was feeling out numbered and thanking his lucky stars that cats don’t go through menopause or he wouldn’t have a chance.

{ weddings are just proms for adults }

October 21, 2012 § Leave a comment

Me at my senior prom

Tonight I got to watch my niece get ready for her first homecoming dance & I discovered  one of the reasons getting older sucks. It’s not the number, or the fact you fall asleep at 9:00, it’s not even the fact that you are holding on to the hope to one day fit back into those jeans, it’s the fact that nothing is as exciting as those moments when you are growing up. Seriously, what is as fun as going to your friends house the night of a dance, all of you packed in the bathroom & putting on your makeup (horribly I might add) & having someone else do your hair? When’s the last time you felt as pretty as when you were in high heels that didn’t really fit & lip smackers Dr. Pepper flavor, was the height of sophistication? Was my prom like it was in Pretty in Pink, heck no I’m still waiting for Andrew McCarthy to show up and no one ever spiked the punch(seriously in movies where do those kids get a flask, I’m 30 and don’t know where to get a flask).

What was my prom like you might ask? First of all I went with a closeted junior so he was more interested in the waiters than he was of me.  I also learned never go to any event with a man who wears more glitter than you do. Anyway, I really wanted to go with John and I was absolutely head over heels for him and the whole night I just hoped for the perfect high school movie ending (him & his date would be dancing and he would look at me and realize he had been in love with me this whole time, he would push her out of the way and ask me to dance and then a slow song from Ricard Marx would come on-Perfect ending). Instead the dance ended and me and my friends had a sleep over and ate Doritos all night-whats better than that? And that was my point of my rambling (yes there was a point) even though the night wasn’t perfect it was still full of possibilities.(PS if you were hoping for me to say I found John on Facebook years later and he was fat & ugly, I hate to tell you but he is even better looking, has a full head of hair & owns a boat-but on the flip side my gay date is a now male go-go dancer in NYC)

So it got me and my sister law trying to think of what our age comparison would be and we figured attending weddings is the closest thing us grown ups get to an “adult prom”. Some comparisons:

  • Highschool Dance: You keep hoping that the boy you like will pull you in his arms Weddings: You hope that creepy guy in the corner doesn’t grap your ass during the locomotion
  • Highschool Dance: You hope for a slow dance so you have an excuse to get close to your date Weddings: You pray they won’t play a slow song because you have no idea where the hell your date went to or he’s part of the weeding party so you are forced to sit alone
  • Highschool Dance: You are so excited to get dressed up & put on makeup Weddings: You wonder why the hell you had to dress up on a Saturday, this is the day for PJ’s. You have to get dressed up everyday for work the last thing you want to do is have to do your hair on a weekend
  • Highschool Dance: Your date buys you a corsage Weddings: Your date buys you shit & complains about how he’s stuck at this wedding
  • Highschool Dance: You get to have a sleepover at your friends house Weddings: The only time is acceptable to stay with your friends is when your house is flooded or full of bugs
  • Highschool Dance: There’s free food!! Weddings: You had to buy them a $80 blender to get a crappy piece of chicken
  • Highschool Dance: You go home floating on cloud nine Weddings: You wonder how the hell that troll looking girl just got married and you are still without a ring
  • Highschool Dance: You look forward to see the poster go up in the gym for the next dance Weddings: You get your invitation and you wonder if you can pretend it got lost in the mail
  • Highschool Dance: You will never feel prettier Weddings: As a bridesmaid, you will never feel uglier
  • Highschool Dance: You are embarrassed that your parents had to drop you off & then pick you up Weddings: You wish you had someone to drive you because there is an open bar

{ One of the greastest products EVER & it’s not even brownies }

August 28, 2012 § 2 Comments

 

I was at the grocery store to pick up some bread and I mean real bread people, not whole wheat. Right now there is a stigma to buying anything bread related I swear I could by a bag of crack in an alley and get less disgusted looks than when I buy white bread. Yes, white bread made from Hell’s Kitchen and prepared in the devils oven-but I digress. So as it frequently happens I go in for one thing get distracted by free cheese samples and then suddenly find myself lost in unknown aisle completely confused on how I got there.

This particular instance I am amongst the Depends and female lubricant looking for a way out when I see something amazing. If you are the type of person that does not want to read someone going on about a new product please skip ahead to the end if you don’t mind me gushing over my new found love please read on. So tucked between the hemorrhoid cream, the adult diapers and basically any other product that makes you terrified to get old, there they were. Poise hot flash wipes and hot flash roll on gel. Yes that’s right body wipes that give off a cooling sensation and a roll on gel that guarantees cooling relief for up to 10 minutes-sweet glory! I load these two things in my cart because I don’t care if they are $100 at this point if these work I have found the holy grail of menopause. I get them home and can’t wait to try them so I wipe my face with the cloth & put the gel on my neck-Nothing! Damn I am defeated, well it was worth a shot. So I go about my business start preparing dinner (grumbling on about how some man must have invented these products of deception to give desperate women false hope-did I mention I’m generally crazy) and then all of a sudden it was like I had just entered the arctic circle. You know those commercials where they bite it to a York peppermint patty and they are suddenly dancing with penguins and sliding down igloos-it was like that. It instantly cools your whole body down & totally gets rid of the hot flash/sweat, I think I finally felt what the actual temperature was for the first time in 2 years. Now my instant reaction was to cover myself head to toe with the gel and wrap my face in the cloths, however I resisted temptation because realistically the gel was $7.00 for a small tube so I now was guarding it like Gollum & his precious, thinking any minute the hobbits would be there to take it from me.

There are just two things I wish they did differently 1) Please be aware not all women having hot flashes are on the Golden Girls and maybe find a better place to put this product. It’s not that I’m embarrassed to hang out amongst the female lubricants, denture cream and the prune juice, but I just feel left out as a customer. 2) On the product it says for women over a certain age and I am no where near that age and I have hot flashes, between AARP membership applications coming in the mail & having to make appointments to discuss my menopausal levels I would like one less product to make me feel well beyond my years.

*Poise has not paid me to endorse their product in any way, but if they would like to send me a huge box of these I would no send them back.-Hint, Hint Poise.

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