Interview with my 20 year old & 8 year old self

February 17, 2013 § Leave a comment

I don’t know if it’s being 30 or the fact that I feel like I’ve lost 2 years to being sick but I just feel like I am behind with all the things I want to do in my life. So instead of actually taking action I came up with a much more realistic plan. That’s right, I built a time machine and I am going to interview my two younger selves. I’m going to see what my 20 year old & 8 year old self thinks about where I’m at in life. Perhaps this will give me the much needed perspective.

My 20 year old self. 

Scan 5“Well hello 20 year old Michelle.” Oh my gosh is that really what my hair is going to look like in 10 years. “Well yeah.”  And we have glasses, ever thought about contacts?

What are you wearing? “I didn’t really have any idea what to wear, time traveling and all so I thought my PJ’s would be most comfortable.”

So what is our life like, are we famous yet? “Um, not quite. We work at a school and freelance on the side.”

I guess that’s cool. What about our boyfriend is he hot? Is he covered in tattoo’s &  has a faux hawk? “Actually he’s a Republican who wears brown loafers and all different kinds of argile.”

“Is he at least in a band? ” He played the trombone in marching band.”

Why are you sweating? “Oh, it’s the hot flashes”

Wait how far in the future are you? “Oh, yeah you should probably know. We are going to go through menopause before 30.” Stunned Silence.

“Let’s change the subject. What are you going to do tonight?” I have no idea. Hopefully some friends will stop by and we’ll probably go out later. It’s way to early to tell.

“It’s almost 7:00pm on a Tuesday and you have school tomorrow. Maybe if you studied more we wouldn’t be working at a crappy job. Sorry, it’s the hormones.”

“Well it’s getting late. But I want to leave you with some advice: Don’t spend all your money on VHS tapes they are going to useless in a few years, don’t bother buying pregnancy tests, your infertile, go nuts, don’t eat anything in a mall food court and wear nice underwear everyday because we are going to get hit by a drunk driver & will be seen by the entire medical staff in our granny panties.”

It was nice meeting you, I guess. Hey, can you buy me alcohol before you leave?

So a case of Mikes Hard Lemonade later, I was on my way to visit my 8 year old self.

Scan 4“Hello 8 year old Michelle.” “Hi, hey your wearing glasses and they are pretty and sparkly”

” Thanks. What are you doing?” Finger painting!!! I love drawing so much.

“Well in the future that will be part of your job.” Wait, we get to draw all day and get money for it. That’s so cool. “I guess it is cool.”

What’s being grown up like? “It’s pretty much the same, we live a little town with a pretty great guy.” Ewwwww. Boys are gross. “Yeah most of the time. Plus we have two cats.” Kitties!!!

Do you want some of Lip Smackers chap stick? It’s Dr. Pepper flavored. “I think I will thanks.” I would invite you into my blanket fort but it’s almost time for dinner. We are having grilled cheese & dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.Want some?

“No. You actually become a vegetarian.” Your silly!!

“Anything you want to ask me before I go?” Do we ever get to meet Minnie Mouse? “Yep. We have been to Disney World, Italy, New York City, Maine all over really.”

I get to live by myself with kitties, draw all day and stay up as long as I want.Plus you get to wear your PJ’s when it’s not bed time. I can’t wait to grow up, it’s going to be so cool!!

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November 29, 2012 § Leave a comment


When you have menopause when you are in your twenties you get to have ads sent to for the next 40 years of your life. Most are ridiculous(ok all of them are) and clearly have no idea what a women going through menopause actually wants or needs. Quite frankly I would like to not be reminded of menopause every time I open up my inbox, what happened to the good old days when all I had to worry about was pyramid schemes and sex toy spam. Instead I am being stalked by the AARP. So attached is the newest email I got to look at. For all of those you who might be new to menopause first welcome and second these offers might be very tempting but let me breakdown this ad for you. Clearly this woman has never been through menopause, how do I know? well firstly she is smiling in her underwear. No woman who has just had abdominal surgery is happy when she looks at herself in her underwear. Oh, but she has a towel to wrap around her, after a hysterectomy I needed a wedding tent  to completely cover up. Secondly, read the headline “Doctor’s Breakthrough” I hate to say this but no doctors are working on this they have erectile dysfunction to work on, it’s probably just Bayer Aspirin in a pink bottle. Third, there’s no such fucking thing as “menopause belly” if it existed why is it in quotes. Lastly, this woman looks like she is on the way to the beach, NO woman experiencing hot flashes is on her way to the beach. Your daily life is a day at the hot beach, you want to sweat you can just stay inside your house you don’t have to lie on hot sand. I have never heard a menopausal woman say ” I’m hot as hell you know what will really cool me off and day under the hot sun”

 

{ even my cat needed a hysterectomy }

November 21, 2012 § 1 Comment

Oh you read the headline right, I pretty sure I am like a magnet to a compass only I destroy all uterus’s that come in my vincity. I’m pretty sure I might be the Bermuda Triangle of reproductive health.About two weeks ago we started to see a stray cat at our back door and slowly began trying to lure it with food (hell I would go into a strangers house if they had random free treats), finally we built up enough trust  to get her inside. We had every intention of giving her a warm bed and meal and then off to our local shelter in the morning. However 1 hour later and one huge set of Puss’n’Boots eyes later it was pretty clear she wasn’t going anywhere. The next day I had a appointment with the vet to get her checked out, as they ran all the tests I was in the waiting room ready Dog Fancy. The vet soon called me back and gave me a run down of all the things wrong with her but easily fixed but then came this statement “and she’s pregnant!” “Pregnant?” Great of all the kittens I had to take in I got the town tramp.Oh god what if she was a cat hooker and her pimp will be coming looking for her. As understanding as Ben had been about one cat I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to be able to hide a littler of kittens (although I was already starting to think of hiding places, that’s not a kitten it’s just one of those googly eye cat clocks) As I was absorbing this information he leaned in, looked both ways and whispered “However, we can fix that with the spay, if your beliefs allow you” Holy crap he’s talking about a kitty abortion (perhaps I’m naive but I didn’t know there was such a thing) I am a feminist by nature and always vote for pro-choice but I didn’t know the rules for cats. Then I had this vision of me walking in the door and being surrounded by cat protesters with their pro-life signs & heckling us by throwing cat toys. Would she be shunned by the community & become an outcast amongst the other animals. Does Roe vs Wade apply to cats?

Let me fast forward to the next appointment where the vet comes out and says “Well she’s not pregnant she just has an infected, inflamed uterus” (Ahhh this brings me back) With that information my new kitty had to have a hysterectomy. After all the drama that I had to go through to get one I was a little amazed all it took was me saying “Ok”. No “what if she wants children someday?”, “she’s not getting any younger” or “maybe she should go home and ask her husband first” (oh yeah that happened to me) Just  hey she’s sick lets take it out. She didn’t have to put her paw on a paper that said “we can’t put it back” (yes that happened to me as well) Just a 3 days, mine took me just under 10 years.

Last night we were all curled up on the couch me, Ben, Page (our first cat) and Zephyr (our new cat) not one uterus between the four of us. I’m sure Ben was feeling out numbered and thanking his lucky stars that cats don’t go through menopause or he wouldn’t have a chance.

{ duct tape & the D cup }

August 2, 2012 § 3 Comments

I recently had a striking loss in my life, that’s right my favorite bra is on it’s last legs (well straps). You know that bra that no matter what outfit you have on it makes you look amazing. The bra that no matter what cut of neckline it always works. The bra that somehow never needs adjusting and is so comfortable you can sleep all night in it. You know the bra that when you finally find the perfect size, cut, brand and color; they suddenly stop selling. I mean it’s like it never existed not online or in the stores. Ask the saleswoman and she’ll give you a blank stare like you have invented a ghost bra that never existed. Did little bra elves and fairies drop this one bra in the store just for you and then never to be heard from again? But needless to say when you have “the bra” you want to keep it for as long as humanly possible, you make sure it goes in the locked safe just in case you get robbed.

Unfortunately the other day it happened. I was lifting a huge box and I hear a rip (I was overjoyed to see my pants were still in tact and my ass was not exposed) But upon closer inspection I found that my favorite bras underwire had broken in two and was jetting outside of the fabric. That’s right I have worn it so many times that the metal gave way. Now what would a normal person do? They would buy a new bra and be done with it. What did I do? I got some medical tape and taped it back together. So my beautiful black lace bra now has a huge mass of plastic tape around the bottom. Yes I am aware that it looks insane and probably looks as ridiculous as those people that attach their car windows with duct tape and plastic bags, but I was not giving up hope.

So I am wearing my bra and quite frankly pretty darn impressed with myself and my combination of MacGyver & Project Runway smarts. From the outside you can’t even tell, like always it looks perfect and my outfit looks amazing. So I didn’t hestitae wearing it to my doctors appointment. It was just a rountine checkup, he usually just asks me to breathe, checks my throat and I’m out of there. We are in the middle of take a deep breathe in, when he says “Michelle Your breathing is a little uneven and your heart rate is a  little elevated I would like to an EKG just to make sure there’s no cause for alarm. I’m going to get a nurse in here but I need to you get in a gown but you can keep your bra on” Then it hits me, not that I might have some weird heart diesease but I a wearing my bra that is held together by tape and dreams.Shit what the hell am I supposed to do? I guess I could run out of here & blame it on the hormones, it also occurs to me that I could just take off my bra but that would mean the nurse is walking in on some crazy topless woman.No I have to accept what is coming, so I take a deep breathe and the nurse starts putting wires on my chest and then hones in on the huge patch of tape wrapped around the underwire of my bra. I can tell she doen’t want to bring attention to her staring but really she can’t pull her eyes away she’s really trying to figure out what the hell is going on or thinking “She didn’t look homeless when she walked in” She went the route of ignoring it completely (which was fine with me, we will both ignore the crazy woman in the bra held together by tape) just when I thought I was out of the woods I heard the following “We aren’t getting an accurate reading I need to slip this under your bra” (I still believe she just came up with this to get closer to my tape bra) I start to take off the bra and realize that with it being so hot today the tape has actually melted onto my skin and I’m going to have to rip this off like a friggin band-aid. So with a huge smack I finally got it off and realized it was time for a new bra (Maybe?)

{ easter in the er }

May 18, 2011 § Leave a comment

You might have noticed that I have written anything in a while and it’s not because my uterus suddenly grew back and my menopause went away or I suddenly became less sarcastic, no the reason is because I had the weirdest (and with all the things I have gone through that really is saying something) infection of my life.

I will pick up the story where I left off with me getting a root canal. Well my dentist put me on an antibiotic and a few days later I started to feel really run down, tired and my stomach was all sorts of upset.You know how you have bad hair days, I thought I was just having  bad menopause  days. By Saturday it was apparent that something was wrong but I thought it might just be the stomach flu or food poisoning but upon waking up in the middle of night with stomach pain so extreme I couldn’t walk, Sunday I was on my way to the emergency room.

No mind you it is 3am on Easter Sunday and there is probably not a scarier place on earth to be than the emergency room. These are some of the people we encountered while waiting: a woman with a black eye telling the check in lady that she got in bar fight and has no idea where she’s at now, a man who got drunk and hit his head when he fell in a ditch, a victim of a knife fight, a woman who could only be described as a street-walker with a tight T-shirt with a leopard head on it and see through white stretch pants and gold gladiator sandals and a woman who was handcuffed to her chair.

So after being triaged this wonderful nurse decided that I wasn’t a hooker or a drunk so we got to wait in the back room this however was not much better. From these chairs I got to watch a woman pace the hall screaming “Lord help me, please help me. I want to die” and got to hear this coming from one of the rooms in front of us “Take your damn pills Karl” FUCK YOU, you can’t make me you Nazi “Listen you either take the pills or I will call security” Call security You crazy bitch, I’m not taking your communist pills “You know what I don’t care anymore don’t take your pills your just going to be back here in an hour anyway” So then we see a nurse leave the room and come back with two security guards (now mind you I am sick as a dog but I suddenly perk up because I might see a gun fight or someone might shoot me and put me out of my misery) When the guards enter I hear them say “Alright guy the party’s over let’s go” FUCK YOU, get away from me you devil “Take your pills and you can go” I’m not taking your pills. Die pigs. “Either you leave or we are going to drag you out of here” I’d like to see you try, you bastards. This just kept going on and on for about 15 minutes until he was escorted out screaming “You’ll never take me alive!” 

After seeing a social worker looking up and down the hall and overhearing him say to the nurse “Did you see a girl in a flannel shirt, Damn I think I lost my drug addict”  I finally got called into a room.

To be continued…………………….

{ my 10 minutes of crazy }

March 28, 2011 § 3 Comments

Yesterday I was at my desk and suddenly felt cramping in my stomach area, the first thought that pops into my head “Oh it’s just my period” A few moments pass before I realize “Oh shit I forgot I don’t have a frickin’ uterus anymore” Yes there will come a time when you actually forget you had a hysterectomy (the sad thing about that is that you having a hysterectomy is the cause of your forgetfullness).

Enter the crazy, yes folks this is actually what was going on inside my head: Well if I’m not having my period why am I having period cramps? Those lying bastards they didn’t take out my uterus they just wanted to collect the insurance money. They must have given me a shot of the 6 month birth control pill therefore stopping my period and tricking me into thinking I was menopausal. Or what if something is wrong like they left a clamp in there ( after this no more Dateline for me) and it is slowly spreading infection. But the up side to that is I could sue and quit my job, hmmmm maybe a rogue medical instrument isn’t that bad.

Then I start questioning my doctor. I mean he looked normal but he could have been one of those doctors who fake there medical licenses and sell organs on the black market (and no more CSI & Criminal minds, either) Come to think of it I saw him talking with a guy in a windowless van before my surgery but that was probably the drugs because I also saw a panda in roller skates.

Oh god what if I am pregnant my body actually found a way to support life after the surgery. It happened on Jurassic Park “life will find a way” maybe this is my punishment for picking on every baby shower I go to and saying “Not me suckers”. I will be one of those medical freaks that have to move to a special lab to be studied because the sheer feat defies all medical explanation. Not to mention if my child found a way to survive with no uterus or ovaries I don’t know if I really want Damon hanging around my house.

Another stomach cramp and then I remember I had  whole box full of Chips Ahoy cookies, a iced mocha and a slice of pizza for lunch. Sigh,  well I guess that is a bit more plausible explanation.

{ stupid statement saturday }

March 26, 2011 § 1 Comment

During your stay at the hospital you will meet some wonderful caring people and you will also meet people who really shouldn’t interact with the public at all. I mean if I was a socially awkward human being the point of being a leper perhaps I wouldn’t have chosen a career path that forced me to deal with the public. I have no problem with interacting with “non people” persons on a daily basis but not when I’m going into surgery. If I am going to be in pain & doctors are about to take a trip through my uterus you can muster a smile, dammit.

One of my nurses comes into my room as they were prepping me for surgery & I could tell just by looking at her that she was one step above being locked in the bell tower. She comes at me with this huge needle and says she’s going to put it in my stomach, um I don’t fucking think so Quasimodo. So my lovely boyfriend steps in and starts telling me funny stories about my cat & how when this is all done I’ll get to see her, ok I say I’m ready. So as she was injecting my stomach with a frickin needle she has these comforting words for me “The last time I let my cat alone she managed to escape and was eaten by coyotes.Good luck.”

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