March 5, 2011 § Leave a comment
Upon returning to work from surgery you will get some of your best stupid questions, like :
“Hey Michelle glad to have you back.” Thanks.(notice how i didn’t say it was good to be back) *whispers* “And they look completely natural, can’t even tell you had work done” WHAT? “You had a boob job right.” No. “Oh, I must have heard wrong. So where did you have the work done?” My uterus. “Huh, never heard of that. Must be a new one”
February 26, 2011 § 2 Comments
Once you make the decision to have a hysterectomy they give you an “out clause” literally at every turn. Every time you say the word hysterectomy it’s followed up by the following question “Are you sure, because you can still change your mind?” After the 30th time you just get used to saying “Yes I’m sure, Yes I know what it means.” At one point I contemplated getting a T-shirt made that said “Yes I’m sure, Now put me under”
Throughout being asked this question over & over again one nurse asked me it in a way that quite frankly pissed me off and even now when I think about it I still get a little peeved: “I see here that you are scheduled for a hysterectomy in three weeks and this is your final checkup before the surgery.” Yep, that’s right. “That’s a pretty serious operation you know after that there’s no going back, once it’s done it’s done” Yes, I’m aware of that “Are you aware this means you can never have children?” Yes I am aware of that as well. “And you are very young. It’s a huge decision are you sure you have thought about it fully?” I have thank you. “Do you have a husband/boyfriend?” I don’t really see what that has to do with this…. “Well what does he think? Maybe you check with him and make sure it’s ok with him before you make this LIFELONG decision”
I was speechless, apparently I had just traveled through a wormhole back to the 50’s where I had to run my decisions by the man of the house( if you knew my boyfriend he is barely man of his chair). “You just never now how he’ll react, you should consider that in your decision as well” I’m pretty sure this bitch just told me there’s a chance that my boyfriend will break up with me if I have this surgery, well jokes on her post surgery there’s a better chance of me killing him then him leaving voluntarily.
February 22, 2011 § Leave a comment
Dante describes the first circle of hell as waiting in limbo, obviously Dante had spent some time with is wife in gynecologists waiting rooms.
After your hysterectomy you will have a weekly follow up visit with your doctor, this is probably the first time you have left the house since the surgery so be prepared to be blinded by the light as you make your way outside (small children & dogs might run away from you). The other thing to consider is you are going to be encountering actual people so you must let go off your Spongebob jammies (they will be home waiting for you, I promise)
First off, my doctors office is on the third floor and there is no elevator which I never noticed before but being as I haven’t walked more than from the couch to the refrigator, I now am insainlypissed. These women have just had surgery, going through menopause and for fun we’ll make them climb steep ass metal stairs (typical male doctor). When you finally make it up Everest you enter the office and the receptionist gives you a smile (she really is congratualting you that you didn’t die on your way in or should I say up). My mom gets my paperwork as I collapse & look for a magazine “Why do these all have Sally Field on the cover?” Then I look to my left and then to my right, I am the youngest person in here by 30 years. One woman actully has a walker and oxygen tank (which I’m convinced they gave her after taking the stairs)
I pull out my Chelsea Handler book while getting weird looks from the other women, especially at my shoes. They all are glaring at my polka dot heels, apprently I did get the memo to wear orthopedic shoes. The nurse calls my name and I get up but she stops me and says “Oh sorry hun no family, but you can wait for your mother out here”
February 21, 2011 § Leave a comment
I recently created a Facebook page for this blog because I wanted to make it easier to share your stories and get suggestions from each other. Throughout the week I will pose questions or ask your opinions please feel free to join in.
Post your answers here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Does-this-hysterectomy-make-me-look-fat/182882608416258
What your biggest worry is when dealing with the possibility of a hysterectomy?
January 5, 2011 § 4 Comments
I’m so excited I get to answer my first “ask me monday” question, so excited that i don’t care it’s Wednesday! Post-surgery what things did you wish you had done before surgery to get ready? What did you lay in bed thinking “I really wish I had this/had asked this/had planned for this…etc…”
My best piece of advice is that you will not be as bored as you would think. I literally bought $100 worth of books, magazines and movie rentals before hand because I thought I would be bored out of mind. Out of that huge stack I read half a book, gave up on a crossword and fell asleep during “Dear John”. You are going to be tired, really tired and as much as people are probably telling you “think of all the stuff you can get done” don’t listen! you don’t have to get anything done but rest. The other thing that would have been helpful is that family was bringing over hot meals and grocery shopping for me the first few weeks which would have been great but I had no appetite whatsoever, so I would tell them to please wait until you are hungry and then start bringing the pans of lasagna.
The MOST important thing you can buy before surgery and you will laugh at this but it will make you feel 100% better: Gax-X, the holy grail of recovery (especially if you had a Laparoscopy. I’m not exaggerating the pain of the surgery wasn’t half as bad as the gas that they put in your body and yes I know the irony of being basically a gas-bag)Some other suggestions: buy a heating pad: reduces swelling, a full body pillow: helps elevate your legs & makes it easier to sleep, graham crackers: you probably won’t feel like eating but these are great on your stomach (and if you get Teddy Graham’s their fun as well)and finally, Baby or Feminie Wipes: I don’t mean to be groos but we’re frineds here but it will hurt when you pee, sometimes it will burn & sting so a nice soothing wipe is heavenly.
Hope this helps and I can’t wait to hear more questions, keep ’em coming.
January 1, 2011 § 2 Comments
I am still tweaking my hormone medication so I get to talk to my doctor’s office about once a week. On my last phone call I got to answer the following question: “So I think we have figured out what was wrong with the medication we have been giving you and you have two options.” ok, great. what are the options “Well you can go with medication #1 or medication #2” what’s the difference between the two “they are exactly the same medication just one might cause you to grow a beard and the other doesn’t”
Fast Forward to me filling out my prescription at the pharmacy.”Are you sure this is the one that won’t give me a beard?” I have never doubled checked that it was the right medication more in my entire life. So now I know how the bearded lady came about she just made the wrong choice when dealing with menopause.
December 30, 2010 § Leave a comment
So I must admit I have been avoiding going to the doctor. Why? It really has nothing to do of a fear of doctors or hospitals I am quite frankly sick of them. I’m sick of reciting my date of birth, social security number, health history, favorite color and what ever else they “need” to know, I’m thinking about getting it tattooed to me like that guy on Memento. I have been waking up from sleep in a panic & having trouble breathing-basically a panic attack at night. But after sitting on the couch and literally my heart started to pound so rapidly I really thought I was having a heart attack , it lasted about a minute, hurt like hell and really knocked the wind clear out of me. I can pretend a lot of things don’t happen (like the second Sex and the City movie and that time I tried bangs) but there was no looking the other way about this (plus if I went through all this damn recovery with a hysterectomy just to die of a heart attack I would be so pissed and I will come back and haunt everybody). Also I have been peeing every two seconds lately so I was also going to get that checked out and secretly I can’t wait for them to ask me if I could be pregnant. I have to go to my family doctor and not my gynecologist because my gyno is 4 hours away ( a story for another day) so I spend a good 20 minutes filling out what the hell has been going on with me for the past few months. You know what I’m amazed at they have a box for you to check if you have had sex with someone with mad cow but not one box for a hysterectomy. I finally get called in and get to jump on the scale and while she is weighing me she says the following “Ahhh…. the holiday gotcha you, huh?” Now what the fuck is that? Yes I had some gingerbread, some stuffing and yes a half of a ham, so sue me I think I deserve to have some holiday goodies after what I’ve been through. So I say “well they said I would be bloated after surgery for a while” and she literally laughs ans says “ok sure, we’ll go with that”
So I’m in with the doctor and tell him my symptoms and he asks “When these palpations happen were you were working out?”(ahhh how cute he thinks I work out) so now i have to tell him my heart was working over time while I was vegging out. “Well it sounds like you have post surgery anxiety and your body and mind are trying to get used to your current situation. This is very common and I would like to put you on a mild anti-anxiety pill just to even you out before it gets worse” Ok so I’m not having a heart attack things are looking up! I also get to pee in a cup and I thought all the holiday fun was over. Just as I put on my coat I see him coming at me and looking at his clipboard (it’s never a good sign when they look at their clipboard). “Well it looks like you have a cluster of white cells which I’m going to start you on an antibiotic because it’s probably just a UTI but just to be on the safe side I’m sending it to the lab” and wait for it “we’re going to see if it grows anything and then give you a call” What do they think my pee is going to grow? I have visions of Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors actually eating the lab techs and all who cross it’s path. Personally I’m hoping for a nice herb garden some nice rosemary maybe even some thyme I’ll be set. For now I have to wait for the results and see Menopause, Menopause quite contrary how does your garden grow?
to be continued……………………………….