February 17, 2013 § Leave a comment
I don’t know if it’s being 30 or the fact that I feel like I’ve lost 2 years to being sick but I just feel like I am behind with all the things I want to do in my life. So instead of actually taking action I came up with a much more realistic plan. That’s right, I built a time machine and I am going to interview my two younger selves. I’m going to see what my 20 year old & 8 year old self thinks about where I’m at in life. Perhaps this will give me the much needed perspective.
My 20 year old self.
What are you wearing? “I didn’t really have any idea what to wear, time traveling and all so I thought my PJ’s would be most comfortable.”
So what is our life like, are we famous yet? “Um, not quite. We work at a school and freelance on the side.”
I guess that’s cool. What about our boyfriend is he hot? Is he covered in tattoo’s & has a faux hawk? “Actually he’s a Republican who wears brown loafers and all different kinds of argile.”
“Is he at least in a band? ” He played the trombone in marching band.”
Why are you sweating? “Oh, it’s the hot flashes”
Wait how far in the future are you? “Oh, yeah you should probably know. We are going to go through menopause before 30.” Stunned Silence.
“Let’s change the subject. What are you going to do tonight?” I have no idea. Hopefully some friends will stop by and we’ll probably go out later. It’s way to early to tell.
“It’s almost 7:00pm on a Tuesday and you have school tomorrow. Maybe if you studied more we wouldn’t be working at a crappy job. Sorry, it’s the hormones.”
“Well it’s getting late. But I want to leave you with some advice: Don’t spend all your money on VHS tapes they are going to useless in a few years, don’t bother buying pregnancy tests, your infertile, go nuts, don’t eat anything in a mall food court and wear nice underwear everyday because we are going to get hit by a drunk driver & will be seen by the entire medical staff in our granny panties.”
It was nice meeting you, I guess. Hey, can you buy me alcohol before you leave?
So a case of Mikes Hard Lemonade later, I was on my way to visit my 8 year old self.
” Thanks. What are you doing?” Finger painting!!! I love drawing so much.
“Well in the future that will be part of your job.” Wait, we get to draw all day and get money for it. That’s so cool. “I guess it is cool.”
What’s being grown up like? “It’s pretty much the same, we live a little town with a pretty great guy.” Ewwwww. Boys are gross. “Yeah most of the time. Plus we have two cats.” Kitties!!!
Do you want some of Lip Smackers chap stick? It’s Dr. Pepper flavored. “I think I will thanks.” I would invite you into my blanket fort but it’s almost time for dinner. We are having grilled cheese & dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.Want some?
“No. You actually become a vegetarian.” Your silly!!
“Anything you want to ask me before I go?” Do we ever get to meet Minnie Mouse? “Yep. We have been to Disney World, Italy, New York City, Maine all over really.”
I get to live by myself with kitties, draw all day and stay up as long as I want.Plus you get to wear your PJ’s when it’s not bed time. I can’t wait to grow up, it’s going to be so cool!!
May 20, 2012 § Leave a comment
For my birthday I posted the 10 reasons it’s better to be 30 than 20 but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t also do a post of 10 things that get worse in your 30’s (Sorry but I can only be an optimist for a limited time)
At 20: When I got a phone call at 10:00 pm on a Friday I thought “Alright there’s a party somewhere” At 30: I get a phone call at 10:0o pm on a Friday and I think “Oh great someone’s been in an accident or dead”
At 20: They were just “my jeans” At 30: They are “My skinny, one day I hope to fit into them again jeans” ( I secretly keep them in my closet still convinced that my new dryer shrank them)
At 20: When my mom used to take me to a movie in the middle of the week I used to give her an eye roll when she said “Why is it so packed on a weekday? Don’t these people have jobs or school?” At 30: I recently went to see Hunger Games on a week day (the first showing because tickets are a $1.00 cheaper) and as we pulled into the parking lot I caught myself saying “Why are these kids here isn’t there school? Is it a holiday? Don’t these parents work?” (Kind of a double whammy because you catch yourself saying things your mother said and you vowed to never say them when you got older)
At 20: I used to be able to eat anything I wanted At 30: My meal choices are based on whether I have to be up early the next day or if I remembered my heartburn pills.
At 20: I used to date guys with mohawks, black eyeliner and neck tattoos. At 30: I see a group of those guys and I wonder what they are up to.
At 20: Listening to Nirvana and Pearl Jam meant you were rebellious and on the cutting edge of music At 30: No one knows who the hell Nirvana is and they are under Classic 90’s on Pandora.
At 20: A Saturday night out consisted of bar hopping, going to one of our boyfriends shows (that’s right we all dated musicians back then) and not getting home until 2:30 am Sunday At 30: A Saturday night out is picking up my Chinese food
At 20: Dinner was anytime after 9:00 pm At 30: We try to have dinner at 5:00 to “beat the crowds”
At 20: I only took naps when I was sick At 30: The promise of a nap is sometimes the only thing that gets me through a day
At 20: Moving only took a half a day and only cost you a case of beer At 30: I have put off moving for 3 years because I worry it will be mistaken for a Hoarder intervention
May 19, 2012 § 3 Comments
Last year I turned 30 and went through menopause all in the same year, so one would think I would have nothing to fear from this birthday (I mean short of me being in the same room with all my ex’s, me gaining 30 pounds or suddenly realizing they forgot to take out my uterus this should be a piece of cake…mmmmm. I want cake) So I was really surprised with the growing anxiety of my impending birthday. You know those people that say things like “age is just a number” and “your only as old as you feel” well frankly they piss me off and they are only saying it because either they are a hell of lot younger than you or because they know they look friggin’ old. Also I just heard some annoying jackass on TV refer to 30 as being middle-aged, they should censor shit like that. If you are going to fine Janet Jackson (Miss Jackson if your nasty) for showing her boob ( I’m sorry her middle-aged boob) then the FCC should fine that idiot,t00.
So in celebration of me turning 30 (for the second time) I am listing 10 instances of why I’m glad I’m 30 and not 20 anymore:
At 20: I once had a boyfriend who waited a month to break up with because he wouldn’t have a ride to school At 30: My boyfriend owns his own car (and it runs)
At 20: 2 items from the dollar menu came dangerously close to over-withdrawing my bank account At 30: I have overdraw protection and a savings account
At 20: I thought all wine came in a box At 30: I actually have unopened bottles that I’m purposely saving
At 20: I used to buy Bartles & James from my local Rite Aid At 30: I visit wineries & local vineyards
At 20: I only owned one pair of shoes At 30: I have a cute pair for every outfit and occasion
At 20: Some of my part-time jobs included ( I am not making these up): Magicians Assistant, Face Painter, Merch Chick for local punk band, Living Art Model and Thrift Store Sorter At 30: I teach students in their twenties
At 20: Some of my ex boyfriends included ( I’m not making these up either): A Magician, An anarchist, a guy who looked like a pterodactyl, a guy who had the entire Lord of the Rings story tattooed on his arms, a guy named Cooter, a guy who roller bladded inside the house and a guy who asked to borrow $20 bucks to get to another girls house At 30: Dating the same man for 7 years (even if he irons his sweater vests, weirdo)
At 20: Always worried that I was pregnant At 30: Never have to be worried about pregnancy again
At 20: Was trying to get everyone to like me At 30: Everyone should like me because I’m so friggin awesome & if they don’t they are obviously the person with the problem
At 20: I thought 30 was really far away At 30: 40 seems right around the corner (wait that’s not better, shit)
March 1, 2011 § Leave a comment
Gloria Steinem wrote a hilarious article called “If Men Could Menstruate*” about how periods would be received differently if it was the man who had to go through with it. I was inspired reading it again last night so I’m doing my own take on it.
- All menopausal products would be in hip, bright packaging & endorsed by famous sports figures, that they would proudly place in their shopping carts. They would also be on sale all the time and probably get a tax write off.
- When a man suddenly starts crying he would get comforting looks “Oh man look how brave that man is”
- Menopause would count as a sick day and you would get paid time off while you were dealing with the adjustment.
- Men would probably actually loose weight.
- They would be convinced that menopause has actually made their penis bigger.
- Once they hit menopausal age they would not feel old just the opposite that would think that this made them more masculine so they would be on the lookout for new exciting women.
- They would high five their friends when they were experiencing a hot flash.
- The first instance of rapid heartbeat and their doctor would put them on instant bed rest.
- After much research they would find out that beer actually decreases headaches and lower back pain.
- There would be a Menopause Marathon: Walk for a Cure, held yearly and would raise millions.
- There would also be a televised telethon, airing on all major networks, hosted by Billy Crystal with Brad Pitt & George Clooney on the phones.
- There would be little blue pills that made all symptoms non existent, especially lose of libido, they would actually combine it with Viagra so they would only have to take one pill a day.
- Any prescription to deal with menopause would be 100% covered by all insurance.
- Menopause would have it’s own month. “May is Menopause Awareness Month” and they would put out calendars called “Hormonal Hunks” to raise money
- You would never hear the phrase “It’s all in your head”
- Menopause would not be called the change of life but the time of your life. It would have a fashionable name like “Masculine Maturity”
- It would become the ultimate pickup line “Hey baby, your so hot and I thought my menopause gave me hot flashes”
- There would be special public bathrooms lined with cold clothes, heating pads, Tylenol, tissues and free chocolate
- Therapy would be mandatory, free and would be offered after hours so you wouldn’t have to take time off of work ( not that your boss would care if you did )
But although these points are true the sad fact is that is men experienced menopause they would have already found a cure.
Also a huge thanks to my boyfriend for letting me use his picture for this pots (well actually he didn’t know what the post was about )
*Read the great, hilarious article here: http://www.mylittleredbook.net/imcm_orig.pdf
February 26, 2011 § 2 Comments
Once you make the decision to have a hysterectomy they give you an “out clause” literally at every turn. Every time you say the word hysterectomy it’s followed up by the following question “Are you sure, because you can still change your mind?” After the 30th time you just get used to saying “Yes I’m sure, Yes I know what it means.” At one point I contemplated getting a T-shirt made that said “Yes I’m sure, Now put me under”
Throughout being asked this question over & over again one nurse asked me it in a way that quite frankly pissed me off and even now when I think about it I still get a little peeved: “I see here that you are scheduled for a hysterectomy in three weeks and this is your final checkup before the surgery.” Yep, that’s right. “That’s a pretty serious operation you know after that there’s no going back, once it’s done it’s done” Yes, I’m aware of that “Are you aware this means you can never have children?” Yes I am aware of that as well. “And you are very young. It’s a huge decision are you sure you have thought about it fully?” I have thank you. “Do you have a husband/boyfriend?” I don’t really see what that has to do with this…. “Well what does he think? Maybe you check with him and make sure it’s ok with him before you make this LIFELONG decision”
I was speechless, apparently I had just traveled through a wormhole back to the 50’s where I had to run my decisions by the man of the house( if you knew my boyfriend he is barely man of his chair). “You just never now how he’ll react, you should consider that in your decision as well” I’m pretty sure this bitch just told me there’s a chance that my boyfriend will break up with me if I have this surgery, well jokes on her post surgery there’s a better chance of me killing him then him leaving voluntarily.
February 21, 2011 § Leave a comment
I recently created a Facebook page for this blog because I wanted to make it easier to share your stories and get suggestions from each other. Throughout the week I will pose questions or ask your opinions please feel free to join in.
Post your answers here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Does-this-hysterectomy-make-me-look-fat/182882608416258
What your biggest worry is when dealing with the possibility of a hysterectomy?
February 12, 2011 § Leave a comment
The day after your hysterectomy you will get a call from your doctor’s office following up with (basically they are just making sure you are still alive and that you haven’t killed your significant other) If your as lucky as I was you will get the most perkiest woman with a high pitched voice who is way to happy to be at work. But who calls you isn’t really important because you will be so doped up out of your mind you’ll have no idea who is calling, why they are calling or for that matter where the hell you even are. So my phone call went a little bit like this:
Ring, Ring, Ring Oh crap I hear ringing I must have not shut the faucet off I say to my boyfriend Ring, Ring He answers the phone and then says to me “It’s your doctor’s office they just want to see how you’re feeling after your surgery” I had surgery?, I whispered (yes I had some good drugs)
Helllooooooooo “Yes Hi MIchelle my name is Karen and I just wanted to see how you were feeling on this beautiful sunshiny day?” Grunt “Well I have to ask you some questions and then I you can get back to working on getting better, alrighty. (I shit you not she said alrighty) Are you in any pain?” Well I was but I’m taking a lot of meds so I really don’t feel a thing ” Ok thats fine for today but what you want to try and do is get off the pain meds as quickly as you can. What I suggest is trying to build up your pain tolerance, make it a game, when you are in pain see how long you can go without taking a pain med.” What kind of fucked up game is that? “Ummmm maybe game wasn’t the right word. Next question, are you eating anything?” No, I feel like I’m going to throw up at the mere mention of food. “That’s very normal but you want to try and eat something & something healthy. If you throw up try again in an hour” (at this point in the conversation I really just want to hang up on her but unlike many of my past love interests I have a feeling that she’ll call back) “Ok, one more question and we’re done, Did you have sex last night or this morning?” and with that I hang up. Ring, Ring. Oh, Dammit.