January 11, 2013 § 2 Comments
It was Ben’s 30th birthday this Tuesday & with this event I noticed the striking difference between how people view events in a mans life & how they view that same event in a woman’s life. Let me illustrate the 3 most recent examples:
1) Turning 30
What people said to Ben: “Your so accomplished”,”You have your whole life ahead of you”,”30 is just the beginning”,”Your just scratching the surface of a bright future”, “You look so distinguished”,” What a great day!”, “I can’t believe your 30 you still look so young” and Congratulations! You should be so proud”
What people said to me: “It’s all down hill from here.”, “Your not young anymore”, “Are you still not married?”, “When are you going to settle down?”, “it’s time you started to think about what you are REALLY doing with your life”, “I’m so sorry. 30 is horrible.”, “You should really start using a moisturizer.Your skin starts to age when you turn 30.” and “Your just that much closer to 40” (*BONUS* I got a reminder for my yearly mammogram)
2) Getting a second cat
What people said to Ben: “Oh that’s great. Your so amazing taking in another cat.”, “Your so lucky”, “Your such a sensitive guy”, “I hope you adopt 3 more” and “That’s SO adorable”
What people said to me: “Oh no your becoming a cat lady”, “lucky you have a boyfriend”, “I better not see you on animal hoarders”,”How many cats is that now? 8.”, “Jeez, wasn’t one enough?” and “Oh god your 30, have multiple cats and unmarried ( and then they just walked away)
What people said to Ben: “How was your holiday?”, “What did Michelle get you?”,”Was Santa good to you?”,”You deserve a long vacation.”, “Have a great week playing with your new toys.” and “Merry Christmas!”
What people said to me: “Did you get a ring?”, “Was there a ring under the tree?”, “Are you engaged?”, “Did you get a ring?”, “Where’s the ring?” and “Did you get a ring?”
February 24, 2012 § Leave a comment
if you are not familiar with Spanx let me give you the best definition I can. Spanx are ladies undergarments that work to smooth out all your lumps while squeezing all your fat back to your spine. You may say “Oh my god that sounds painful, why would you ever wear such a contraption?” and my answer to you is, yes they are uncomfortable but they make it possible for me to get into outfits that otherwise would still live at the back of my closet and frankly breathing is highly overrated. What do Spanx look like? They come in the basic colors black, white and nude and go under your bra line to just above your knee. So basically you are wearing a full 30’s style bathing suit under your outfits.
Foolishly I scheduled my mammogram right after work so I had no time to change and frankly didn’t even think about it. I still try and look nice when I go to the doctors office, I just don’t want to be the woman in the corner wearing the Tweety Bird sweatpants that everyone is looking at. So I am in my work clothes when they call me back to the testing room and the woman hands me a robe and tells me to undress from waist up and she’ll be back in a few minutes. Weirdly my first thought is “hey a free robe, I wonder how I can sneak it out of here without being seen” but then my thoughts quickly shift to a much more pressing matter “Oh shit I’m wearing my Spanx!” Some of you maybe be asking yourself why is this a problem, well I am about to share my mortification to spare future women from doing the same. I am not only wearing Spanx but a full dress, which means I have nothing on my bottom except Spanx and industrial strength panty hose. Let me explain another problem with Spanx, much like the levee’s during a flood they loose strength and start to give way at the end of your day. As I take off my dress and bra I realize just how bad the situation is I am standing there braless with my Spanx pulled under my breasts with a partial muffin top, I am the female naked Stephen Urkel. I can’t have another person look at me like this, hell I don’t even look at myself like this I get dressed in the dark. Maybe I can trying rolling them down to my waist, when I start to do this all the stuffed fat is starting to make it’s great escape not to mention you can’t real roll Spanx. Ok, what if I just take everything off, and just stand here in my underwear, no shit the Spanx are my underwear damn it. I actually contemplate going naked, I mean I’ve got a robe, I could just say I misunderstood her directions, however I am reminded that in lieu of shaving my legs this morning I opted for 5 minutes of extra sleep, damn. So here are my choices A. Get naked and look like Bigfoot and possibly a crazed nudist B.Try an fashion some underwear out of gauze, towels and tissues (now thats a challenge for Project Runway) or C. Stay as I am looking like a overstuffed tube of cookie dough that is slowly oozing from the top. None are great but I opt for the third one put on my robe and hope she won’t notice. Surely I can’t be the only woman who has worn a griddle to their mammogram. I hear the knock that I have been dreading, she walks in and her eyes get really wide. Oh, crap I was so busy with my lower half I didn’t realize that half of my hair has come loose and made it’s way to the side of my head, also because of all the adjusting I have managed to work up a pretty good sweat. How bad did I look? crazy enough for her to go “I’ll give you a few more minutes”
When she comes back I have managed to wipe the sweat off my face & repin my hair and she seems at ease that the crazed female banshee is gone. Little does she know the horror which is lurking for her under the robe.
In a side note I know I had to be her topic of conversation at the dinner table that night or perhaps when she tells people this is what happens- “She wore Spanx to her mammogram” no that isn’t true that’s just a mammogram urban legend.