February 17, 2013 § Leave a comment
I don’t know if it’s being 30 or the fact that I feel like I’ve lost 2 years to being sick but I just feel like I am behind with all the things I want to do in my life. So instead of actually taking action I came up with a much more realistic plan. That’s right, I built a time machine and I am going to interview my two younger selves. I’m going to see what my 20 year old & 8 year old self thinks about where I’m at in life. Perhaps this will give me the much needed perspective.
My 20 year old self.
What are you wearing? “I didn’t really have any idea what to wear, time traveling and all so I thought my PJ’s would be most comfortable.”
So what is our life like, are we famous yet? “Um, not quite. We work at a school and freelance on the side.”
I guess that’s cool. What about our boyfriend is he hot? Is he covered in tattoo’s & has a faux hawk? “Actually he’s a Republican who wears brown loafers and all different kinds of argile.”
“Is he at least in a band? ” He played the trombone in marching band.”
Why are you sweating? “Oh, it’s the hot flashes”
Wait how far in the future are you? “Oh, yeah you should probably know. We are going to go through menopause before 30.” Stunned Silence.
“Let’s change the subject. What are you going to do tonight?” I have no idea. Hopefully some friends will stop by and we’ll probably go out later. It’s way to early to tell.
“It’s almost 7:00pm on a Tuesday and you have school tomorrow. Maybe if you studied more we wouldn’t be working at a crappy job. Sorry, it’s the hormones.”
“Well it’s getting late. But I want to leave you with some advice: Don’t spend all your money on VHS tapes they are going to useless in a few years, don’t bother buying pregnancy tests, your infertile, go nuts, don’t eat anything in a mall food court and wear nice underwear everyday because we are going to get hit by a drunk driver & will be seen by the entire medical staff in our granny panties.”
It was nice meeting you, I guess. Hey, can you buy me alcohol before you leave?
So a case of Mikes Hard Lemonade later, I was on my way to visit my 8 year old self.
” Thanks. What are you doing?” Finger painting!!! I love drawing so much.
“Well in the future that will be part of your job.” Wait, we get to draw all day and get money for it. That’s so cool. “I guess it is cool.”
What’s being grown up like? “It’s pretty much the same, we live a little town with a pretty great guy.” Ewwwww. Boys are gross. “Yeah most of the time. Plus we have two cats.” Kitties!!!
Do you want some of Lip Smackers chap stick? It’s Dr. Pepper flavored. “I think I will thanks.” I would invite you into my blanket fort but it’s almost time for dinner. We are having grilled cheese & dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.Want some?
“No. You actually become a vegetarian.” Your silly!!
“Anything you want to ask me before I go?” Do we ever get to meet Minnie Mouse? “Yep. We have been to Disney World, Italy, New York City, Maine all over really.”
I get to live by myself with kitties, draw all day and stay up as long as I want.Plus you get to wear your PJ’s when it’s not bed time. I can’t wait to grow up, it’s going to be so cool!!
January 13, 2013 § 2 Comments
I am not ashamed, My name is Michelle and I am addicted to Hallmark movies. I can’t help it, I love them. I cry at the movies and even the Hallmark commercials (I mean seriously she gives her grumpy teacher a Hallmark card & he smiles and asks her what she became and she says “A teacher just like you” I dare you not to tear up). They feed my addiction because they have a whole channel just for Hallmark movies. So if I want to cry for 24 hours straight I now have the perfect excuse. Here are my most popular life lessons from Hallmark.
1) There are only 6 acceptable professions for men. A fisherman, a sheriff, a lawyer (who will eventually give up their practice for the simple life -more on this later), coffee shop owner, architect or works in advertising (these two are inner changeable) and “the local guy” (no one knows what his job is but he drives a pickup truck, owns a dog and often seen wandering the streets doing good deeds).
2) There are only 6 acceptable professions for women. A waitress, owner of a cupcake shop or bakery, working in a bookstore, quirky artist (oh yeah I could be in a Hallmark movie), inn keeper and random local that no matter where she goes people know her & her entire life story.
3) When life gets tough your car will break down in the exact place you are supposed to spend the rest of your life. As an added bonus the mechanic (also the local priest or doctor) who finds your broken down car is the single nicest person in the world. They don’t have the part your car needs but don’t worry they won’t charge you for it.
4) When they want to show a “rough neighborhood” in a Hallmark movie they will show a person smoking in the back. Seriously thats as bad as it gets in the Hallmark world.
5) If you see a sheriff just know you will end up marrying him. He probably also just lost his wife in a car accident and there is a 50/50 chance that he is a single father.
6) Anyone who has a high powered, successful career in the city will eventually realize the benefits of moving back to their hometown and live the simple life.
7) Aunts & Uncles beware because your sister/brother is going to die and you will be given custody of their children. You will not be a great parent in the beginning but no fear you’ll eventually realize the joy of parenthood. 50/50 chance the kid will be mute. (also be prepared to only know you are the sole guardian when talking to the family lawyer, these things are never discussed before hand)
8) If your getting married don’t get too attached to the groom because he’s wrong for you. You’ll either meet your soul mate planning the wedding or your ex will be coming back into your life. You will realize he’s not the right guy when you look at him and he will be on his phone (you’ll only realize this is annoying in your hometown)
9) No matter what you do you can just leave work for a boat ride or a hike in the woods with the stranger that just came to town. You’ll talk about your life story and probably cry about your dead mother/father/sister/dog.
10) Everyone dies on Christmas eve.
January 6, 2013 § 1 Comment
So for the most part I consider myself intelligent. I read books without any pictures, I can carry on a conversation about current events, I can write coherent sentences & I even teach students, so I know I don’t lack knowledge. All that beng said every once in a while I’m reminded of how utterly stupid I can be. Maybe stupidity isn’t the right word just totally unaware of the obvious (no I can’t sugar coat it it’s stupidity) Now since I consider you all friends I’m going to share 7 stories of utter stupidity with you so you can all feel better about yourselves & get a laugh at my expense. Ok here we go:
1) I just realized that if you put Kanga and Roo from Winnie the Pooh together it’s a Kangaroo (no seriously this blew my mind)
2) I thought the Hatfield’s & The McCoy’s was a mini-series on Enron & Bernie Madoff
3) In Cast Away with Tom Hanks I just thought Wilson was a clever name. Imagine my surprise when I was in WalMart & saw a whole bunch of volley ball’s with Wilson on them. You may think I put and two together but no I said “Oh they renamed them because of the film”
4) As me and Ben were taking a hike one day he asked me “Hey do you know what the Rock says?” to which I answered “Umm duh, “Can you smell what the Rock is cooking” I didn’t see why suddenly he was crying in laughter. Between him gasping for breathe he pointed to a historical monument in the shape of a rock with writing on it. Apparently he had meant the actual Rock and not my favorite wrestler turned actor The Rock.
5) Another Tom Hanks shocker in the movie Forrest Gump I was always baffled by why they showed Forrest with John Lennon. When we were watching that particular part I voiced my confusion for this “This part of the film doesn’t make any sense. Every other part has a point why is he having a conversation with John Lennon that leads nowhere” Ben just put on the song “Imagine” & walked out of the room with his head down.
6) Ben was watching the movie Amadeus and I asked what it was about. He gave me a blank stare and said “Umm Mozart” to which I said “What does Amadeus have to do with Mozart?” Apparently Mozart had a first name-who knew?
7) I thought Napoleon crossed the Delaware not George Washington (they both had blue jackets with buttons it’s confusing)
8) Jersey Boys turns out is not a musical adaption of “The Jersey Shore”(although I still say it would sell like crazy)
9) All these years I have been mishearing the song lyrics to a Prince song. I was singing in the car and Ben gave me one of his looks “What are you singing?” “this song” I replied “It’s Raspberry Beret not Raspberry Chevrolet. Why would you think it said Chevrolet?” “I thought it was the sequel to “Little Red Corvette”” It was not.
Hopefully after reading these if you are ever feeling down you can say “well at least I’m not as dumb as that woman” YOUR WELCOME.
November 29, 2012 § Leave a comment
When you have menopause when you are in your twenties you get to have ads sent to for the next 40 years of your life. Most are ridiculous(ok all of them are) and clearly have no idea what a women going through menopause actually wants or needs. Quite frankly I would like to not be reminded of menopause every time I open up my inbox, what happened to the good old days when all I had to worry about was pyramid schemes and sex toy spam. Instead I am being stalked by the AARP. So attached is the newest email I got to look at. For all of those you who might be new to menopause first welcome and second these offers might be very tempting but let me breakdown this ad for you. Clearly this woman has never been through menopause, how do I know? well firstly she is smiling in her underwear. No woman who has just had abdominal surgery is happy when she looks at herself in her underwear. Oh, but she has a towel to wrap around her, after a hysterectomy I needed a wedding tent to completely cover up. Secondly, read the headline “Doctor’s Breakthrough” I hate to say this but no doctors are working on this they have erectile dysfunction to work on, it’s probably just Bayer Aspirin in a pink bottle. Third, there’s no such fucking thing as “menopause belly” if it existed why is it in quotes. Lastly, this woman looks like she is on the way to the beach, NO woman experiencing hot flashes is on her way to the beach. Your daily life is a day at the hot beach, you want to sweat you can just stay inside your house you don’t have to lie on hot sand. I have never heard a menopausal woman say ” I’m hot as hell you know what will really cool me off and day under the hot sun”
November 21, 2012 § 1 Comment
Oh you read the headline right, I pretty sure I am like a magnet to a compass only I destroy all uterus’s that come in my vincity. I’m pretty sure I might be the Bermuda Triangle of reproductive health.About two weeks ago we started to see a stray cat at our back door and slowly began trying to lure it with food (hell I would go into a strangers house if they had random free treats), finally we built up enough trust to get her inside. We had every intention of giving her a warm bed and meal and then off to our local shelter in the morning. However 1 hour later and one huge set of Puss’n’Boots eyes later it was pretty clear she wasn’t going anywhere. The next day I had a appointment with the vet to get her checked out, as they ran all the tests I was in the waiting room ready Dog Fancy. The vet soon called me back and gave me a run down of all the things wrong with her but easily fixed but then came this statement “and she’s pregnant!” “Pregnant?” Great of all the kittens I had to take in I got the town tramp.Oh god what if she was a cat hooker and her pimp will be coming looking for her. As understanding as Ben had been about one cat I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to be able to hide a littler of kittens (although I was already starting to think of hiding places, that’s not a kitten it’s just one of those googly eye cat clocks) As I was absorbing this information he leaned in, looked both ways and whispered “However, we can fix that with the spay, if your beliefs allow you” Holy crap he’s talking about a kitty abortion (perhaps I’m naive but I didn’t know there was such a thing) I am a feminist by nature and always vote for pro-choice but I didn’t know the rules for cats. Then I had this vision of me walking in the door and being surrounded by cat protesters with their pro-life signs & heckling us by throwing cat toys. Would she be shunned by the community & become an outcast amongst the other animals. Does Roe vs Wade apply to cats?
Let me fast forward to the next appointment where the vet comes out and says “Well she’s not pregnant she just has an infected, inflamed uterus” (Ahhh this brings me back) With that information my new kitty had to have a hysterectomy. After all the drama that I had to go through to get one I was a little amazed all it took was me saying “Ok”. No “what if she wants children someday?”, “she’s not getting any younger” or “maybe she should go home and ask her husband first” (oh yeah that happened to me) Just hey she’s sick lets take it out. She didn’t have to put her paw on a paper that said “we can’t put it back” (yes that happened to me as well) Just a 3 days, mine took me just under 10 years.
Last night we were all curled up on the couch me, Ben, Page (our first cat) and Zephyr (our new cat) not one uterus between the four of us. I’m sure Ben was feeling out numbered and thanking his lucky stars that cats don’t go through menopause or he wouldn’t have a chance.
August 28, 2012 § 2 Comments
I was at the grocery store to pick up some bread and I mean real bread people, not whole wheat. Right now there is a stigma to buying anything bread related I swear I could by a bag of crack in an alley and get less disgusted looks than when I buy white bread. Yes, white bread made from Hell’s Kitchen and prepared in the devils oven-but I digress. So as it frequently happens I go in for one thing get distracted by free cheese samples and then suddenly find myself lost in unknown aisle completely confused on how I got there.
This particular instance I am amongst the Depends and female lubricant looking for a way out when I see something amazing. If you are the type of person that does not want to read someone going on about a new product please skip ahead to the end if you don’t mind me gushing over my new found love please read on. So tucked between the hemorrhoid cream, the adult diapers and basically any other product that makes you terrified to get old, there they were. Poise hot flash wipes and hot flash roll on gel. Yes that’s right body wipes that give off a cooling sensation and a roll on gel that guarantees cooling relief for up to 10 minutes-sweet glory! I load these two things in my cart because I don’t care if they are $100 at this point if these work I have found the holy grail of menopause. I get them home and can’t wait to try them so I wipe my face with the cloth & put the gel on my neck-Nothing! Damn I am defeated, well it was worth a shot. So I go about my business start preparing dinner (grumbling on about how some man must have invented these products of deception to give desperate women false hope-did I mention I’m generally crazy) and then all of a sudden it was like I had just entered the arctic circle. You know those commercials where they bite it to a York peppermint patty and they are suddenly dancing with penguins and sliding down igloos-it was like that. It instantly cools your whole body down & totally gets rid of the hot flash/sweat, I think I finally felt what the actual temperature was for the first time in 2 years. Now my instant reaction was to cover myself head to toe with the gel and wrap my face in the cloths, however I resisted temptation because realistically the gel was $7.00 for a small tube so I now was guarding it like Gollum & his precious, thinking any minute the hobbits would be there to take it from me.
There are just two things I wish they did differently 1) Please be aware not all women having hot flashes are on the Golden Girls and maybe find a better place to put this product. It’s not that I’m embarrassed to hang out amongst the female lubricants, denture cream and the prune juice, but I just feel left out as a customer. 2) On the product it says for women over a certain age and I am no where near that age and I have hot flashes, between AARP membership applications coming in the mail & having to make appointments to discuss my menopausal levels I would like one less product to make me feel well beyond my years.
August 2, 2012 § 3 Comments
I recently had a striking loss in my life, that’s right my favorite bra is on it’s last legs (well straps). You know that bra that no matter what outfit you have on it makes you look amazing. The bra that no matter what cut of neckline it always works. The bra that somehow never needs adjusting and is so comfortable you can sleep all night in it. You know the bra that when you finally find the perfect size, cut, brand and color; they suddenly stop selling. I mean it’s like it never existed not online or in the stores. Ask the saleswoman and she’ll give you a blank stare like you have invented a ghost bra that never existed. Did little bra elves and fairies drop this one bra in the store just for you and then never to be heard from again? But needless to say when you have “the bra” you want to keep it for as long as humanly possible, you make sure it goes in the locked safe just in case you get robbed.
Unfortunately the other day it happened. I was lifting a huge box and I hear a rip (I was overjoyed to see my pants were still in tact and my ass was not exposed) But upon closer inspection I found that my favorite bras underwire had broken in two and was jetting outside of the fabric. That’s right I have worn it so many times that the metal gave way. Now what would a normal person do? They would buy a new bra and be done with it. What did I do? I got some medical tape and taped it back together. So my beautiful black lace bra now has a huge mass of plastic tape around the bottom. Yes I am aware that it looks insane and probably looks as ridiculous as those people that attach their car windows with duct tape and plastic bags, but I was not giving up hope.
So I am wearing my bra and quite frankly pretty darn impressed with myself and my combination of MacGyver & Project Runway smarts. From the outside you can’t even tell, like always it looks perfect and my outfit looks amazing. So I didn’t hestitae wearing it to my doctors appointment. It was just a rountine checkup, he usually just asks me to breathe, checks my throat and I’m out of there. We are in the middle of take a deep breathe in, when he says “Michelle Your breathing is a little uneven and your heart rate is a little elevated I would like to an EKG just to make sure there’s no cause for alarm. I’m going to get a nurse in here but I need to you get in a gown but you can keep your bra on” Then it hits me, not that I might have some weird heart diesease but I a wearing my bra that is held together by tape and dreams.Shit what the hell am I supposed to do? I guess I could run out of here & blame it on the hormones, it also occurs to me that I could just take off my bra but that would mean the nurse is walking in on some crazy topless woman.No I have to accept what is coming, so I take a deep breathe and the nurse starts putting wires on my chest and then hones in on the huge patch of tape wrapped around the underwire of my bra. I can tell she doen’t want to bring attention to her staring but really she can’t pull her eyes away she’s really trying to figure out what the hell is going on or thinking “She didn’t look homeless when she walked in” She went the route of ignoring it completely (which was fine with me, we will both ignore the crazy woman in the bra held together by tape) just when I thought I was out of the woods I heard the following “We aren’t getting an accurate reading I need to slip this under your bra” (I still believe she just came up with this to get closer to my tape bra) I start to take off the bra and realize that with it being so hot today the tape has actually melted onto my skin and I’m going to have to rip this off like a friggin band-aid. So with a huge smack I finally got it off and realized it was time for a new bra (Maybe?)