Interview with my 20 year old & 8 year old self

February 17, 2013 § Leave a comment

I don’t know if it’s being 30 or the fact that I feel like I’ve lost 2 years to being sick but I just feel like I am behind with all the things I want to do in my life. So instead of actually taking action I came up with a much more realistic plan. That’s right, I built a time machine and I am going to interview my two younger selves. I’m going to see what my 20 year old & 8 year old self thinks about where I’m at in life. Perhaps this will give me the much needed perspective.

My 20 year old self. 

Scan 5“Well hello 20 year old Michelle.” Oh my gosh is that really what my hair is going to look like in 10 years. “Well yeah.”  And we have glasses, ever thought about contacts?

What are you wearing? “I didn’t really have any idea what to wear, time traveling and all so I thought my PJ’s would be most comfortable.”

So what is our life like, are we famous yet? “Um, not quite. We work at a school and freelance on the side.”

I guess that’s cool. What about our boyfriend is he hot? Is he covered in tattoo’s &  has a faux hawk? “Actually he’s a Republican who wears brown loafers and all different kinds of argile.”

“Is he at least in a band? ” He played the trombone in marching band.”

Why are you sweating? “Oh, it’s the hot flashes”

Wait how far in the future are you? “Oh, yeah you should probably know. We are going to go through menopause before 30.” Stunned Silence.

“Let’s change the subject. What are you going to do tonight?” I have no idea. Hopefully some friends will stop by and we’ll probably go out later. It’s way to early to tell.

“It’s almost 7:00pm on a Tuesday and you have school tomorrow. Maybe if you studied more we wouldn’t be working at a crappy job. Sorry, it’s the hormones.”

“Well it’s getting late. But I want to leave you with some advice: Don’t spend all your money on VHS tapes they are going to useless in a few years, don’t bother buying pregnancy tests, your infertile, go nuts, don’t eat anything in a mall food court and wear nice underwear everyday because we are going to get hit by a drunk driver & will be seen by the entire medical staff in our granny panties.”

It was nice meeting you, I guess. Hey, can you buy me alcohol before you leave?

So a case of Mikes Hard Lemonade later, I was on my way to visit my 8 year old self.

Scan 4“Hello 8 year old Michelle.” “Hi, hey your wearing glasses and they are pretty and sparkly”

” Thanks. What are you doing?” Finger painting!!! I love drawing so much.

“Well in the future that will be part of your job.” Wait, we get to draw all day and get money for it. That’s so cool. “I guess it is cool.”

What’s being grown up like? “It’s pretty much the same, we live a little town with a pretty great guy.” Ewwwww. Boys are gross. “Yeah most of the time. Plus we have two cats.” Kitties!!!

Do you want some of Lip Smackers chap stick? It’s Dr. Pepper flavored. “I think I will thanks.” I would invite you into my blanket fort but it’s almost time for dinner. We are having grilled cheese & dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.Want some?

“No. You actually become a vegetarian.” Your silly!!

“Anything you want to ask me before I go?” Do we ever get to meet Minnie Mouse? “Yep. We have been to Disney World, Italy, New York City, Maine all over really.”

I get to live by myself with kitties, draw all day and stay up as long as I want.Plus you get to wear your PJ’s when it’s not bed time. I can’t wait to grow up, it’s going to be so cool!!

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5 more reasons I may be the stupidest person I have ever met

January 25, 2013 § 2 Comments

ImageAfter my last post about me being an idiot I was flooded with emails from friends very happy to remind me of all of my other “stupid” moments. Ben was especially “helpful” in reminding me of all of my lapses in intelligence. So back by popular demand here are 5 more of the reasons I may be the stupidest person I have ever met.

1) What the Frack?

Ben & I were watching TV and the new Matt Damon movie trailer for “Promised Land” was playing. Ben was telling me what an important movie it was and how he wanted to see it. He was trying to explain fracking to me and marcellus shale. He was horrified when I asked “Who is Marcellus Shale? Is that who Matt Damon is playing?” 

2) What I learned from David Hasselhoff

On an episode of “I love the 80’s” they were recapping the tearing down of the Berlin wall & how David Hasselhoff was singing at it. The announcer said how big he is in Germany & that’s why he was there. I was instantly confused and asked Ben why it mattered if he was big in Germany. Apparently the Berlin wall was not in Russia like I thought. Thanks Hoff. 

3) I’m a MAC

As a designer I love all things MAC and apple & considered myself well versed in the history of the company. But when I was reading the Steve Jobs biography I had a A-HA moment or should I say an A-DUH moment. The author was recalling the making of the first Macintosh computer and then it dawned on me-Oh crap Macintosh is a type of apple, hence the name. Seriously I never put two & two together.

4) Oh Brother Where Art Thou

Did you know the mini-series Band of Brothers was not about the civil rights movement. Seriously I have no sense of history, if you haven’t noticed.

5) The Beatles

I was named after the song “Michelle” by the Beatles. I loved this song as long as I can remember  I especially loved the part “Some day monkey won’t play piano on gum. Play piano on gum” What you don’t remember that part? That’s because apparently it doesn’t say that all it’s just the song in French. (Listen to the song you will never hear it the same way)

Fuck you recommended reading lists

January 19, 2013 § 2 Comments

ImageAwhile back in an effort to improve myself (why does this statement always led to a dark, disappointing road) I had the idea that I needed more culture in my life. My plan was to read all the books on the “100 books you should read before you die”list. These are the classics,  these are the books people talk about at dinner parties (now I don’t go to dinner parties but maybe it’s because I haven’t read these books) My plan was perfect, this is exactly what I need to be the more intelligent, more sophisticated Michelle. 

I started off with Wuthering Heights. Seriously I have never read a more depressing book in my life. This is supposed to be a romance but instead the guy verbally abuses his wife while lusting after a friggin’ ghost. However,  I was not going to be discouraged so I moved on to the Grapes of Wrath, which I have to confess I could not get past the drought.I was hoping it was about wine(you know like Sideways) Then on to starving & TB in Les’Miserables and pedophilia in Lolita. What the hell? I thought these were supposed to be good, uplifting books. I’m now just depressed and kind of grossed out. Ok, American Psycho that’s on the list. Holy Shit, this book is disgusting and scary as hell. It should have been titled hookers & chainsaws to warn people. Seriously, I still have nightmares about this damn book. At this point I am starting to question my project but me being stubborn I am determined to stick with it. 

After going through 40 or more books (that I could not bring myself to finish) I was subjected to a man who made perfume out of his murder victims, women having affairs in Russia, a lot of women who need to earn there place in society by having long walks & lots of talks about hourses, poverty in Brooklyn, poverty in London, poverty in France and a lot of references to Hemingway’s penis. These are what people should be reading? Really? If anything this encouraged me to never want to read (or leave my house for fear of being attacked by a murderous impoverished orphan) So I have happily accepted to be not a “literary intellect” and instead I’m going to grab my copy of Tina Fey’s new book, a glass of wine and enjoy the potential conversations with my cats about this classic. 

6 questions about a hysterectomy that you are too embarrassed to ask

January 18, 2013 § 2 Comments

ImageA hysterectomy for most women is a personal & overwhelming life style change. More often than not women find it very embarrassing. Especially young women. Luckily I have no shame so I am going to answer questions that maybe you are too uncomfortable to ask.

1) Will I gain weight?

Yes. I wish this wasn’t true but it is. Ignore all that business about “well if you just eat right” I ate all organic vegetarian food and I still gained 20 pounds. It’s normal, it sucks but it’s normal. The up side: This should NOT be reason to rule this out. It eventually evens out & you will go back to your normal self. Plus in the mean time enjoy it ( I know am I crazy) Take advantage of the fact no one will say anything because you’ve had surgery for god’s sake and really your the only one who will notice-Promise.

2) Will I loose bladder control?

Yes and No. Some women (usually older) will have problems with bladder control, but with younger women you should not have a problem. But I will fill you in on a little known secret, (doctors didn’t not warn me of this possibility) So we are friends so I have no problem telling you my pee story. Two days after my surgery I stood up and just peed, oh yeah no warning just pee. Luckily no one was home (except the cat who found it hilarious) and luckily it only happened once. The up side: You just got to hear a story about me peeing myself what more of an up side do you need?

3) Will I loose interest in sex?

No. In fact you might be a bit more frisky. Without the pain that caused you to get a hysterectomy and without the worry about getting knocked up you will be back to your vixen self in no time. The up side: This is more for your life partner but with this added bonus he won’t care so much when you are a emotional wreck.

4) How bad are hot flashes?

Fuckin horrible.  Don’t let any quack tell you that it’s just a matter of being warm. It feels like you are in a sauna. You will feel like you have a fever and are on fire from the inside. And don’t let the name fool you it’s never a flash. It can last for a minute or and half an hour. Be aware of the night sweats as well they are the worst. The up side: I haven’t had to buy a winter coat for two years and our heat bills in the winter have been drastically lowered.

5) Do I still need to see my gynecologist?

Yes. Don’t be ashamed of this question my mom (who is a nurse asked me this) You still have lady parts so yes you still have to see your gynecologist. The up side: Have fun with it. Tell them you think your pregnant. Trust me it’s hilarious.

6) How bad are the mood swings?

Perhaps I should let Ben to answer this question because he has been on the receiving end of my  ,um shall we say “outbursts”. They are pretty bad I remember crying because I only had one Oreo cookie left (in retrospect this may been my reaction before menopause). The worst was Ben came home and asked me how my day was and I almost killed him with a shoe. Understand that this is normal and they are uncontrollable(despite what any one else tells you) The up side: You now have a perfect excuse to get out of any situation. Start crying people will just walk away.

So do you have a question? Seriously nothing is off limits. I would love to answer it for you. Leave your questions in the comments below.

You can buy a gun at WalMart but it takes me 20 minutes to buy Sudafed

January 17, 2013 § 2 Comments

ImageOne of the side effects of surgical menopause is that you have absolutely no immunity. None. If you see a sick person on TV you will be sick in two days. So it being flu season it is no surprise that I have a bitch of a sinus infection. However it is surprising that’s it’s easier to buy a gun at WalMart than it is to get Sudafed. This is not an anti or pro gun post. I think everyone can agree that we are more safe with me not having a gun. I once thought my neighbor was the Zodiac killer so it’s better that I remain unarmed. 

Right now I could go into WalMart get a gun, I can buy 20 cartons of cigarettes, I can buy 32 bottles of vodka and I can even buy all the porn I want. But this is what happened at my local drug store. So let me set the scene for you: I look like death warmed over. I have on penguin pajama’s, and kleenex stuffed into my shirt sleeves. For those of you who don’t know me I am also 5’0 and have a huge mess of red hair. Basically I look like a unsexy, untalented version of Adele. Obviously I am running a meth lab( I can’t figure out how to make brownies let alone meth). I go to the pharmacist and take him the little card of what I want and he looks at me like he has just spotted one of “America’s Most Wanted”. He asks to see my license and literally looks at me, back at the license, looks at me, back at the license and must do this 5 more times (I am lucky this guy was never at the door of the bars I used to get into in college) He then takes my license and tells me to take a seat. So there I am sitting in my penguin pajama’s and blowing my nose. I look like a homeless woman who has wandered in to escape the cold. 

After 20 minutes (this is not an exaggeration) he calls me up to the counter and asks me these series of questions “Are you buying these for you?”,”Have you purchased these in the past 6 months”, “Do you go to any other pharmacies?”, “Do you ever watch “Breaking Bad”?(Ok he didn’t ask me that but he might as well have) So after looking very suspiciously at me he turns his back to me, takes a key from around his neck and unlocks and huge metal box. Again I can pick up a gun and carry it through the store while I buy Kathy Ireland underwear but cold medicine is kept in Fort Knox. I am finally allowed to have my pack of Sudafed . The price tage $2.19. Seriously all that for something that costs less than a Milky Way. So I leave the store with my medicine clutched under my arm like Gollum & the ring( to be fair I think the whole Lord of the Rings trilogy was shorter than my ordeal. I secretly think that was what the whole journey was for. Frodo had a cold and he had to find a pharmacy that would give him a decongestant ).

I have my medicine but every once in a while I look down at them and mutter “My precious”

Why it can be awesome to be home sick!

January 17, 2013 § 1 Comment

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pretty sure this is what i look like

We all know it sucks to be sick but in an effort to look on the more positive side of things I am listing some reasons it’s sometime awesome to be sick.

1) People are obligated to take care of you. This right here is a reason to get married. No matter how much of an ugly troll you are, they have to tell you are beautiful & make you dinner. (I must say though if they are not used to making you dinner you may get an assortment of frozen pizza, ramen noodles and old crackers) 

2) You don’t have to be depressed or unemployed to sleep all day.

3) It’s perfectly acceptable to watch Judge Judy all day. Any other day I hate daytime television but when I’m sick I can’t get enough.

4) You can wear a mismatch of clothes and wear pajamas everywhere. My outfit today: polka dot tights, oversized sweater, a huge yellow scarf and plaid boots.  You feel like hell so you could care less what people think of you. You may be mistaken for a bag lady but heck your sick take the risk.

5) There’s no point in eating healthy. Your sick you have little or no appetite so what’s the point in eating health food? So eat that whole pie-tell everyone it will make you feel better.

and my favorite

6) You have an excuse not to go to work. If you work with people like I do, no one wants a sick person interacting with the public. Now you can’t do all the things you would like to do on a day off but it’s awesome to feel like your secretly doing something bad.

4 of my weirdest theories

January 12, 2013 § Leave a comment

Anyone who knows me knows that over the years I have had my fair share of weird (some would say idiotic) theories. Now before you stop reading, these are not goverment conspiracy theories and have no real value what so ever. However I think I’m on to something with these (however my friends may tend to disagree with me & are probably embarrassed that I’m still holding on to them & that they are now in writing). These are the 4 ones I hold most dear.

1) Celebrity Impostors

I have believed for many years that the following two celebrities are the same people. I haven’t figured out why they would want to dress in drag and pose as the other person but I can’t have all the answers can I? How more people have not uncovered this is beyond me. Howard Stern and Annie Leibovitz are really the same person as are Quentin Tarantino and Uma Thurman. Don’t believe me look at these pictures.

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2) Keanu Reeves is the greatest actor of our time

Maybe you could say this is more of an opinion but I say no, this is a fact. What other actor has traveled through time, been a doctor, coached an inner city baseball team, was the son of the devil but defeated his plans for armageddon, fought demons, was an alien who saved the entire human race, defeated the grim reaper in Twister, has a time traveling mailbox with Sandra frickin’ Bullock on the other end, was a cop surfer, stopped a speeding bus and of course he delivered us from The Matrix. He has been robbed of his Oscar long enough.

3) George Bush’s speech writers tried to help him out but failed

I know I said nothing political but this really has nothing to do with his politics. This is something that can bring both right & left together (see I’m single handily solving the division in Washington) Do you remember when George Bush would give a speech and he would tell you the definition of the words while he was saying them? And these were common words I mean no one was wondering what they meant. Example “We must never surrender, that means we will never give in to the enemy” and “We need to unify, that means work together” Well my theory is that the speech writers wrote the definition’s in his teleprompter so he would know what he was saying but never intended for him to read them. Seriously can’t you see this as a SNL sketch?

and my favorite 4) Independence Day is the sequel to ET

Think about it. I believe ET was a spy sent here to gather all of our secrets & weaknesses. They dressed him up in a baby alien suit because they knew Earthlings would take pity on him & think he was harmless. You can’t convince me that they have the technology to fly across galaxies and can convert a speak n spell to a friggin iphone but some how he got lost.   We let him get back on the ship and 10 years later Independence Day happened. How did they know where all our major landmarks were and where to hit us? That little bastard Elliot thats how.

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