{ I love you Chipotle, but no i don’t want any salsa }

May 24, 2011 § Leave a comment

We just got a Chipotle Grill where I live, this is a HUGE deal for this area. It’s probably the equivalent of the Royal Wedding in Britain (ok not that huge but still a cause for celebration) Why is this so exciting because it means we have a healthy fast food restaurant in our area and I no longer have to convince myself that McDonalds is indeed a healthy choice because they have “apples” in their pie.

I don’t love Chipotle Grill, I LOVE Chipotle Grill! I have been secretly dating Chipotle on the side since it opened it’s doors. I have fantasies about the food when I look at my boyfriend all I see is a giant burrito. Why do I love it so much? Many reasons: 1) The food is all organic and they use fresh ingredients 2) They only have 4 choices & for ordering with my boyfriend that is a gift from the heavens (he once spent 20 minutes just looking at the drink menu at the Cheesecake Factory-after all that he orders a Pepsi) 3) You get to pick and choose what they put on your burrito. I have been compared to Meg Ryan’s character in “When Harry Met Sally” when I order food, I just hate when you can exclude an item you don’t want. And finally and the most important reason Chipotle Grill is amazing is the fact that there is no charge for an extra side of sour cream-Viva La Chipotle.

Before I continue let me tell you that because of my recent medical setback I had to be off my estrogen for 3 weeks throwing me back into full-blown menopause. So I tend to be a little on edge & a bit hormonal. Today was a rough day but no worries Chipotle will make it all better, but what’s this, a new guy on the line. I start to order “A burrito, fajita style, shredded beef, sour cream, cheese and that’s it” and the new guy looks at me from his spoonful of salsa and asks What kind of salsa? “No salsa, thank you” You have to have salsa “No I don’t think I do. That’s why I come here, that’s why i dream of this place you don’t need to have anything you don’t want” C’mon you must want some salsa (At this point I’m thinking dude what is it with you and the salsa. Why don’t you take my salsa and save it for latter since you are such a fan) Well I have to ask my boss. “Seriously” So I see him walk over to the boss, an adorable pink haired girl who I overhear saying “How many times do I have to tell you they don’t need salsa, Ted. Just wrap the burrito. This instance makes me love them even more. So perhaps the cure for a menopause relapse  is not estrogen but having a giant burrito with unlimited sour cream and a pissed off boss who has to deal with Ted for the next 5 hours.

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{ and you thought your mother-daughter realtionship was messed up }

March 22, 2011 § 2 Comments

It was only yesterday when I was sharing PMS stories with my girlfriends, complaining about cramps & sharing tampons now I find myself sharing stories with my mother. That’s right people I get to go through menopause with my 55-year-old mother (as if my therapist didn’t have enough material to work with)

Me and my mom were at Panera enjoying some Mac & Cheese when my mom asks me “Is it hot in here or is it my hot flashes? Oh no, now you can’t tell either” and starts laughing hysterically, Gee thanks mom. Then she starts listing her symptoms & trying to compare them to mine. I realize at this point that my mom doesn’t realize she is slowly killing me & finds this whole situation perfectly normal. I however do not want to be a 29-year-old experiencing menopause with my mother it feels like a frickin science experiment gone wrong. Soon I will be on the cover of the National Enquirer: Daughter and Mother Experience menopause together & fight over a latin lover (ok so not the latin lover part but they would add some other steamy element to the story)

The straw that broke tha camels back (or on my case the straw that caused extreme lower back pain) is that my mom came by the other day with an article clipping (FYI: my family loves sharing clippings it has become a sickness. Every card, package, Christmas present has a clipping from some periodical hidden within it somewhere.) “Here I clipped this for you It’s a great article about dealing with the symptoms of menopause” Thanks mom, where did you find this one? “My AARP magazine” Sigh, leave it to my mom for having me long for the days of tampons & cramps.

{ do you have to go to art school for that? }

March 16, 2011 § 6 Comments

I have been going to the same gynecologist for over 10 years so I never really noticed the following phenomenon until I had to see every gynecologist & NP in the northern hemisphere. Every gynecologist examining rooms have the exact same paintings. It’s downright weird & kind of unsettling.

 The normal posters are always present the drawing of your anatomy blown up to the size of the entire wall, a cautionary poster against something (breast cancer, teenage pregnancy, flesh eating zombies, etc..), a Ziggy comic that is supposed to have something to do with health, the poster with a cat hanging on a limb that reads “Hang in There” and then my new recent discovery the out of place gold framed painting. Why? Is this supposed to trick us into thinking we are at home, well I hate to break it to them but the huge metal instruments kind of give it away (plus I don’t remember the last time my house had stirrups on my lazy boy).

 These painting have one of the three subjects:  A Flower (usually a sunflower but sometimes they change it up), windmills or Victorian people on a picnic. What a windmill has to do with my vagina I will never know & the thought of Victorian people on a picnic never really calmed me down it just makes me feel like they are looking in on my examination.  

 I would love to read the Ebay description of the painting: Windmills on a Rainy Day 17×8, acrylic on canvas. Perfect addition to any living space or gynecologist examining room. If you Buy Now we will throw in “Oversized Sunflower” for no extra charge. This artist is in high demand & is responsible for such great works as: “Water Lilies” on display at Planned Parenthood, “Victorian Family on Holiday”  can be viewed at Female Services & Clinic and of course “Victorian Family carrying flowers on their way to a windmill”  at the office of Ted Truman, MD. Also each print is signed by the artist: John Doe, Gynecologist Room Painter.

 So next time you are in an examining room take a look and I’m sure you will see their work and hopefully the thought of women looking at the same crappy, stupid painting as you will give you at least a smile, because god knows the huge ass water lily isn’t going to.

{ quote of the day }

February 26, 2011 § Leave a comment

I’m watching the Empty Nest marathon on Lifetime (don’t judge me) and I just heard one of the funniest quotes:

“My biggest fear in life is that there’s no such thing as PMS and this is just how I am”

I feel this can go for menopause as well.

{ stupid question saturday }

February 5, 2011 § Leave a comment

An excerpt of a conversation with me & an individual (who’s identity I shall keep secret for their own protection )

“How are you feeling since your surgery?” Oh a little tired, sweaty as heck but overall feeling good. “Well that’s good to hear and how about your periods? Do you notice any difference?” Um, yes ONE big difference I don’t have them any more. “Really?” “Yep no more”

“But if you don’t have any more periods how will you know if your pregnant or not!”

{ always be prepared }

January 5, 2011 § 4 Comments

I’m so excited I get to answer my first “ask me monday” question, so excited that i don’t care  it’s Wednesday!  Post-surgery what things did you wish you had done before surgery to get ready? What did you lay in bed thinking “I really wish I had this/had asked this/had planned for this…etc…”

My best piece of advice is that you will not be as bored as you would think. I literally bought $100 worth of books, magazines and movie rentals before hand because I thought I would be bored out of mind. Out of that huge stack I read half a book, gave up on a crossword and fell asleep during “Dear John”. You are going to be tired, really tired and as much as people are probably telling you “think of all the stuff you can get done” don’t listen! you don’t have to get anything done but rest.  The other thing that would have been helpful is that family was bringing over hot meals and grocery shopping for me the first few weeks which would have been great but I had no appetite whatsoever, so I would tell them to please wait until you are hungry and then start bringing the pans of lasagna. 

The MOST important thing you can buy before surgery and you will laugh at this but it will make you feel 100% better: Gax-X, the holy grail of recovery (especially if you had a Laparoscopy. I’m not exaggerating the pain of the surgery wasn’t half as bad as the gas that they put in your body and yes I know the irony of being basically a gas-bag)Some other suggestions: buy a heating pad: reduces swelling, a full body pillow: helps elevate your legs & makes it easier to sleep, graham crackers: you probably won’t feel like eating but these are great on your stomach (and if you get Teddy Graham’s their fun as well)and finally, Baby or Feminie Wipes: I don’t mean to be groos but we’re frineds here but it will hurt when you pee, sometimes it will burn & sting so a nice soothing wipe is heavenly.

Hope this helps and I can’t wait to hear more questions, keep ’em coming.

{ the UP side }

December 15, 2010 § 2 Comments

i don’t know if it’s the holidays (or my boyfriend saying “you know you are going to scare the crap out of people”) but i thought i would write this post about the positives of having a hysterectomy & surgical menopause at such a young age (yes there are positives )

all right ladies you are feeling like crap & a hormonal train wreck but you are looking at this all the wrong way. this is a get out of jail free card! how often in life can you scream at your boyfriend and they bring you ice cream? so take advantage of it. you think your man would hesitate a second and not milk it for all it’s worth.ok let me take you back to the last time he was sick remember the drama, the whining, the constant demands ahh… it’s all coming back huh. well now it’s your turn. you have at least 2 solid months of being crazy use it for your benefit. you know that annoying person at work yell at them, steal there cookie out of the fridge and then blame it on the hormones. who’s going to question hormones?

the obvious upside is not having a period but quite frankly you’ll be begging for PMS after dealing with menopause but that does not mean you can’t have some fun. like asking a co-worker who knows you had a hysterectomy for a tampon, they will give you a weird look but won’t question you, it’s hilarious. also add how much you would normally spend on your period and I mean all of it: tampons, midol, heating pad, pads, granny panties (should be free with tampons), chocolate, etc..and use that total to get a nice spa day! another fun thing to do is leave a pregnancy test where your boyfriend can see it and then watch him Google “can you get pregnant after a complete hysterectomy?”

i live in erie, pennsylvania which you may have heard of on the weather channel, yes we are the place that always gets the ungodly amount of snow and the guy is reporting while standing on a snow bank that used to be his car. you can imagine our heating bills this time of year but not this year I have my hot flashes to keep me warm. the other day we were in the middle of a blizzard and i was getting my mail in my short sleeved summer dress. you know how cheap summer clothes are right now? i can replenish my whole wardrobe!

alright ladies we are friends now right? so we can talk like girlfriends. so i’m going to give the men a chance to leave so we talk alone. *insert Micheal Bolton holding music* are we alone? ok, great. all those sights that you read that say one of the side effects of surgical menopause is loss of libido are not true. i think they tell you this just so you think you can get some rest and get some reading done, no luck. i have never been so randy in my life & quite frankly my boyfriend is getting a little scared: I mean he doesn’t know if I’m going to yell at him or jump him (or let’s face it a little bit of  both)

a few quick reasons: i now have a legitimate reason to be crying during hallmark commercials, i have a great excuse not to attend that stupid office holiday party this year, everyone blames my eccentric behavior on the hormones & probably the best thing if for some reason i do go off the deep end and beat my boyfriend up when he eats my leftover chinese food, no jury will convict me!

 

 

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