February 24, 2012 § Leave a comment
if you are not familiar with Spanx let me give you the best definition I can. Spanx are ladies undergarments that work to smooth out all your lumps while squeezing all your fat back to your spine. You may say “Oh my god that sounds painful, why would you ever wear such a contraption?” and my answer to you is, yes they are uncomfortable but they make it possible for me to get into outfits that otherwise would still live at the back of my closet and frankly breathing is highly overrated. What do Spanx look like? They come in the basic colors black, white and nude and go under your bra line to just above your knee. So basically you are wearing a full 30’s style bathing suit under your outfits.
Foolishly I scheduled my mammogram right after work so I had no time to change and frankly didn’t even think about it. I still try and look nice when I go to the doctors office, I just don’t want to be the woman in the corner wearing the Tweety Bird sweatpants that everyone is looking at. So I am in my work clothes when they call me back to the testing room and the woman hands me a robe and tells me to undress from waist up and she’ll be back in a few minutes. Weirdly my first thought is “hey a free robe, I wonder how I can sneak it out of here without being seen” but then my thoughts quickly shift to a much more pressing matter “Oh shit I’m wearing my Spanx!” Some of you maybe be asking yourself why is this a problem, well I am about to share my mortification to spare future women from doing the same. I am not only wearing Spanx but a full dress, which means I have nothing on my bottom except Spanx and industrial strength panty hose. Let me explain another problem with Spanx, much like the levee’s during a flood they loose strength and start to give way at the end of your day. As I take off my dress and bra I realize just how bad the situation is I am standing there braless with my Spanx pulled under my breasts with a partial muffin top, I am the female naked Stephen Urkel. I can’t have another person look at me like this, hell I don’t even look at myself like this I get dressed in the dark. Maybe I can trying rolling them down to my waist, when I start to do this all the stuffed fat is starting to make it’s great escape not to mention you can’t real roll Spanx. Ok, what if I just take everything off, and just stand here in my underwear, no shit the Spanx are my underwear damn it. I actually contemplate going naked, I mean I’ve got a robe, I could just say I misunderstood her directions, however I am reminded that in lieu of shaving my legs this morning I opted for 5 minutes of extra sleep, damn. So here are my choices A. Get naked and look like Bigfoot and possibly a crazed nudist B.Try an fashion some underwear out of gauze, towels and tissues (now thats a challenge for Project Runway) or C. Stay as I am looking like a overstuffed tube of cookie dough that is slowly oozing from the top. None are great but I opt for the third one put on my robe and hope she won’t notice. Surely I can’t be the only woman who has worn a griddle to their mammogram. I hear the knock that I have been dreading, she walks in and her eyes get really wide. Oh, crap I was so busy with my lower half I didn’t realize that half of my hair has come loose and made it’s way to the side of my head, also because of all the adjusting I have managed to work up a pretty good sweat. How bad did I look? crazy enough for her to go “I’ll give you a few more minutes”
When she comes back I have managed to wipe the sweat off my face & repin my hair and she seems at ease that the crazed female banshee is gone. Little does she know the horror which is lurking for her under the robe.
In a side note I know I had to be her topic of conversation at the dinner table that night or perhaps when she tells people this is what happens- “She wore Spanx to her mammogram” no that isn’t true that’s just a mammogram urban legend.
February 5, 2011 § Leave a comment
An excerpt of a conversation with me & an individual (who’s identity I shall keep secret for their own protection )
“How are you feeling since your surgery?” Oh a little tired, sweaty as heck but overall feeling good. “Well that’s good to hear and how about your periods? Do you notice any difference?” Um, yes ONE big difference I don’t have them any more. “Really?” “Yep no more”
“But if you don’t have any more periods how will you know if your pregnant or not!”