{ crash into me part 1 }

March 3, 2011 § Leave a comment

It was bound to happen, I haven’t seen the inside of a hospital in over 3 months (which for me is some kind of record) so it was really no suprise when I got to visit it again this Friday. But it wasn’t due to any hysterctomy, hormone or womanly issues (also a record), no the reason I was there had to do with a man. A man who literally plowed into the back of my vehicle while my car was stuck in snow. To add some extra fun it was off the highway so he was doing about 35-40 (in a blizzard mind you) needless to say in the war against my little car and his 13 year old gremlin, I lost.

He knocks on my window as I’m draped over the steering wheel and starts yelling at me. Yes you heard me right this guys yells at me for being stuck and in his very important way. One of my favorite lines was “Why the hell did you stop?” It’s early, I’m not only extremly hormonal,I’m in pain and the accident triggered a hot flash so I’m hot as hell too. If I hadn’t been dizzy & worried I was going to pass out I would have summoned my menopausal superhuman strength and hurt that little man (no jury would convict me either)

I manage to drive myself the half mile to work and start feeling not only the normal effects of a car accident but severe stomach pain. Great I swear to god if I need another surgery because of that douche bag, I quit. Fast forward to me calling my doctor and explaining what happened and him basically yelling at me to go directly to the emergency room. Even though it has been 3 months since my surgery I am technically still in recovery so any injury has to be checked out. So emergency room here I come.

My adventures at the ER will be posted in Part 2 tomorrow!

{ stupid question saturday }

February 26, 2011 § 2 Comments

Once you make the decision to have a hysterectomy they give you an “out clause” literally at every turn. Every time you say the word hysterectomy it’s followed up by the following question “Are you sure, because you can still change your mind?” After the 30th time you just get used to saying “Yes I’m sure, Yes I know what it means.” At one point I contemplated getting a T-shirt made that said “Yes I’m sure, Now put me under”

Throughout being asked this question over & over again one nurse asked me it in a way that quite frankly pissed me off and even now when I think about it I still get a little peeved: “I see here that you are scheduled for a hysterectomy in three weeks and this is your final checkup before the surgery.” Yep, that’s right. “That’s a pretty serious operation you know after that there’s no going back, once it’s done it’s done” Yes, I’m aware of that “Are you aware this means you can never have children?” Yes I am aware of that as well. “And you are very young. It’s a huge decision are you sure you have thought about it fully?” I have thank you. “Do you have a husband/boyfriend?” I don’t really see what that has to do with this…. “Well what does he think? Maybe you check with him and make sure it’s ok with him before you make this LIFELONG decision”

I was speechless, apparently I had just traveled through a wormhole back to the 50’s where I had to run my decisions by the man of the house( if you knew my boyfriend he is barely man of his chair). “You just never now how he’ll react, you should consider that in your decision as well” I’m pretty sure this bitch just told me there’s a chance that my boyfriend will break up with me if I have this surgery, well jokes on her post surgery there’s a better chance of me killing him then him leaving voluntarily.

{ germ carrier }

February 1, 2011 § 2 Comments

My boyfriend was out of town for a week and upon his return he brought me a present. Was it a new book? No. Was it a pretty new scarf? No. Was it even those little shampoo’s from the hotel? No. So what did my boyfriend just have to bring back with him? Germs and lots of them. He brought me back a friggin’ cold.

Now he claims that it wasn’t him who infected me but since he is saying this while stuffing Kleenex in his pockets I don’t believe him. Thinking he was being funny he said “Maybe it was your other boyfriend that got you sick while I was away,Ha,Ha” (For all the men out there be careful when you are trying to be funny when your lady is going through menopause but really don’t try and be funny when she is menopausal &  sick) Yes thats exactly what I did, as sick as I am I must have had an affair with the monkey from “Outbreak”.

The funny thing about my current state (mind you I am typing this with tissues stuffed up my nose, needless to say I am one pretty sexy lady, even my cat is running in fear of me) is that I didn’t even know I was getting sick. I have been feeling tired and warm for a few days but frankly since my surgery I always feel like I have a temperature & am always about to fall asleep so no warning flags really popped up. Until I woke up with one eye crusted shut and I thought to myself, well this a weird, new menopause symptom.

So I jump onto WebMD trying to type with only one eye, after reading nothing I call my doctor. “Well it sounds like you might just have a bad cold or sinus infection” his nurse tells me “That’s impossible I can’t have menopause and be sick that’s just not fair. It should be against the laws of nature, I mean aren’t I suffering enough?” She just laughs, “Sorry it doesn’t work that way” “Well it damn well should” I think as I hang up the phone.

Great not only am I a menopausal swamp monster but now I am a snot monster as well. So, now I have to add Vitamin C with my Vitamin E, my estrogen with a zinc lozenge and replace my sleep aid-Renew with friggin’ Thera-Flu.

{ the 5 doctors you will encounter }

January 27, 2011 § 1 Comment

This is the medical version of “The Five People You Meet in Heaven” I have found if you are a frequent visitor to hospitals and doctors office you will inevitably encounter the following 5 doctors.

1. THE NATURAL HEALER: I’m all for using herbal and natural remedies but this individual takes it to the extreme. They will try and use fish oil to fix a severed limb and promote positive thinking when dealing with a brain tumor. My encounter came when I had to switch gynecologists and she was the only one that had an opening (that should have tipped me off). At this point I was in severe pain, was tired all the time, had been bleeding for a month and my heart was racing, this was my consultation “Well those are some very real symptoms or should I say they feel real, but I truly believe enrolling in a yoga class, taking a multi-vitamin, and getting rid of sugar, you will be better in a month” Now don’t all you women feel silly out there you just needed a glass of carrot juice and get in goddess pose and you’ll be fine.

2. The Doctor Who Thinks he is House: No matter what you may have this doctor is determined that is a rare mystery that only his superior problem solving skills can figure out. If I had my way doctors would never watch the show “House” to prevent this very situation. I visited an Urgent Care doctor because I committed the cardinal sin of medicine-I got sick after office hours. All I had was a sinus infection, how do I know because I get one of these little bastards every cold season. Some nice antibiotics and a fudgesicle and I’m good to go, but not with this dude. First clue he was wearing tweed pants (never a good sign). He could not accept that such a boring diagnosis so I had to sit through the following questions “Have you been out of the country?”, “Have you had contact with a tribe of pygmies?”, “Do wild pack animals live in your apartment?”, “Have you recently been dancing on rusty nails?”, “No” and then he will get to his favorite part “Well I’ll have to run some tests” (my advice when he leaves the room run! because when he finally admits defeat and writes you a boring prescription the look of disappointment is just depressing, DAMN YOU HOUSE)

3. The Antique: This person was probably Wyatt Earp’s doctor. They believe that everything can be fixed with a splint and some Advil. Who needs anesthesia when whiskey is available? They will be wearing a pair of glasses, have another pair around their neck and have a pair on top of their head.

4. Way to Happy: You will instantly know this person when they walk in grinning like an idiot “Hey there, I’m Doctor*insert name here* and I hear your not feeling so good, that must make you feel a little down” “Um I feel like shit actually” “Oh well I bet you do with that attitude. Now take some deep breathes for me.” inhale/exhale “Oh looks like someone is a pro at this, I better get my A-game on”  (Mind you this person will be smiling the whole time while your thinking, if I had the same medication this fool is on I would never be sick again) My encounter will this person resulted in him actually trying to convince me that a mammogram would be fun.

5. The Chart is Never Wrong: This individual is easy to spot because literally their eyes will never look up from the chart (I always picture Gollum from Lord of the Rings, who will literally freak out once they are separated from their “Precious”) “So I see you are having problems with your penis” “Um I think you have he wrong chart” they won’t even look up “Impossible, that’s what the chart says” “Ok, but I’m a woman, no penis here” (accept the giant dick I’m talking to right now) “Nope, the chart says your a man” dead silence and they will not break their stare on the chart “So how long have you had these penis warts” “You are a complete boob, where the hell did you come from?” “I don’t know, give me a minute I’ll check the chart”

 

 

{ what a way to make a living }

January 10, 2011 § 3 Comments

Right now I’m a teacher by day and a designer/illustrator by night . Now before you say “oh how nice what a rewarding field” STOP! I teach at an institution which maybe run by the winged monkeys in The Wizard of Oz. But I love my other job and was back doing my art two days after surgery(totally against doctor’s orders) but the time has finally come where I need to go back to my day job. Now to prepare you for what you will encounter I have assembled this helpful guide of the types of people you will encounter on your way:

  • Nosey Nellie: This person does not actually care how you are feeling but just wants to know everything about it so they can be the first to tell anyone who asks.
  • The One Upper: No matter what has happened to you medically this person can out do it usually starts with “well you think what you went through was bad I had to be quarantined for months with a flesh-eating bacteria, the doctors say I’m lucky to be alive”
  • Grim Reaper: No matter what you have this person will tell you the most horrible story of a person they know who had the same thing & it went horribly wrong. “My sister had a hysterectomy and she was feeling fine and then she went back to work and her fingers fell off, seriously!”
  • Office Idiot: Never has any idea whats going on ever. “You were gone?”
  • The Coal Miner: Have never missed a day of work in their life. “Hey glad to see some people can take time off. I broke all the bones in my leg, literally back to work the next day”
  • Self Esteem Killer: “You look tired”
  • Management: “So you’re feeling better, great, then you can finish all this work that no one did while you were away” while handing you a stack of dusty papers
  • Failed Health Class: “Hysterectomy? Is that like a hernia?”
  • Asshole: “I wish I could have 6 weeks vacation, where I get to lay around and do nothing.”
  • Captain Obvious: “So you had a hysterectomy, huh?”
  • Self-Centered: Just asks how you are doing so you’ll have to ask how they have been. They will literally interrupt you so they can they you all about their problems. “But I’m starting to feel ……….  “You’ll never belive what happened to me while you were gone”
  • Health Nut: Knows better than all the doctors of the world. “You know why this happened to you it’s all the coffee you drink, you need to do a 40 day cleanse like I’m doing right now, nothing but lemon juice and cayenne pepper”

If you are lucky enough to work in an environment where they sent you a get well card and a basket full of goodies and through your recovery you heard “The most important thing is that you get better” and “Take as much time as you need”, then I HATE YOU! Now back to work I go (I’m writing this from an undisclosed office location)

{ always be prepared }

January 5, 2011 § 4 Comments

I’m so excited I get to answer my first “ask me monday” question, so excited that i don’t care  it’s Wednesday!  Post-surgery what things did you wish you had done before surgery to get ready? What did you lay in bed thinking “I really wish I had this/had asked this/had planned for this…etc…”

My best piece of advice is that you will not be as bored as you would think. I literally bought $100 worth of books, magazines and movie rentals before hand because I thought I would be bored out of mind. Out of that huge stack I read half a book, gave up on a crossword and fell asleep during “Dear John”. You are going to be tired, really tired and as much as people are probably telling you “think of all the stuff you can get done” don’t listen! you don’t have to get anything done but rest.  The other thing that would have been helpful is that family was bringing over hot meals and grocery shopping for me the first few weeks which would have been great but I had no appetite whatsoever, so I would tell them to please wait until you are hungry and then start bringing the pans of lasagna. 

The MOST important thing you can buy before surgery and you will laugh at this but it will make you feel 100% better: Gax-X, the holy grail of recovery (especially if you had a Laparoscopy. I’m not exaggerating the pain of the surgery wasn’t half as bad as the gas that they put in your body and yes I know the irony of being basically a gas-bag)Some other suggestions: buy a heating pad: reduces swelling, a full body pillow: helps elevate your legs & makes it easier to sleep, graham crackers: you probably won’t feel like eating but these are great on your stomach (and if you get Teddy Graham’s their fun as well)and finally, Baby or Feminie Wipes: I don’t mean to be groos but we’re frineds here but it will hurt when you pee, sometimes it will burn & sting so a nice soothing wipe is heavenly.

Hope this helps and I can’t wait to hear more questions, keep ’em coming.

{ The WALL & not the fun, trippy Pink Floyd one }

December 4, 2010 § Leave a comment

in researching and talking to other women who have had this procedure something happens in week three that no damn doctor warns you about. i mean he had no problem explaining vaginal dryness to me in front of my boyfriend but leaves this out, thanks buddy. so what is this mysterious symptom that no one tells you it’s called “The Wall”. you slowly recover and start feeling better each day and then at the beginning of the three weeks you start feeling really better, i mean better than you have felt in a while. you have energy, you want to go out , you have your appetite back, you think “Holy hell, maybe this thing worked” then after enjoying two days of this you hit “The Wall.” You wake up and you can hardly move each muscle feels like it is weighted down, you feel nauseous and dizzy. You have hit the Wall my friend you might as well get your heating pad (thats right the one you put away, bring it out) and a cup of tea because you are not going anywhere for at least two days. and the worst part of the Wall is hearing the following phrase “oh thats too bad you were feeling so much better” yes thanks for pointing that out i hope your recovery is just like mine when i kick you in the knee caps. so once i heal and feel myself again i’m going to find my doctor and say “thanks for the heads up” & then trip him and maybe not warn him that he’s about to hit “The Wall”, oops!

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