May 18, 2011 § Leave a comment
You might have noticed that I have written anything in a while and it’s not because my uterus suddenly grew back and my menopause went away or I suddenly became less sarcastic, no the reason is because I had the weirdest (and with all the things I have gone through that really is saying something) infection of my life.
I will pick up the story where I left off with me getting a root canal. Well my dentist put me on an antibiotic and a few days later I started to feel really run down, tired and my stomach was all sorts of upset.You know how you have bad hair days, I thought I was just having bad menopause days. By Saturday it was apparent that something was wrong but I thought it might just be the stomach flu or food poisoning but upon waking up in the middle of night with stomach pain so extreme I couldn’t walk, Sunday I was on my way to the emergency room.
No mind you it is 3am on Easter Sunday and there is probably not a scarier place on earth to be than the emergency room. These are some of the people we encountered while waiting: a woman with a black eye telling the check in lady that she got in bar fight and has no idea where she’s at now, a man who got drunk and hit his head when he fell in a ditch, a victim of a knife fight, a woman who could only be described as a street-walker with a tight T-shirt with a leopard head on it and see through white stretch pants and gold gladiator sandals and a woman who was handcuffed to her chair.
So after being triaged this wonderful nurse decided that I wasn’t a hooker or a drunk so we got to wait in the back room this however was not much better. From these chairs I got to watch a woman pace the hall screaming “Lord help me, please help me. I want to die” and got to hear this coming from one of the rooms in front of us “Take your damn pills Karl” FUCK YOU, you can’t make me you Nazi “Listen you either take the pills or I will call security” Call security You crazy bitch, I’m not taking your communist pills “You know what I don’t care anymore don’t take your pills your just going to be back here in an hour anyway” So then we see a nurse leave the room and come back with two security guards (now mind you I am sick as a dog but I suddenly perk up because I might see a gun fight or someone might shoot me and put me out of my misery) When the guards enter I hear them say “Alright guy the party’s over let’s go” FUCK YOU, get away from me you devil “Take your pills and you can go” I’m not taking your pills. Die pigs. “Either you leave or we are going to drag you out of here” I’d like to see you try, you bastards. This just kept going on and on for about 15 minutes until he was escorted out screaming “You’ll never take me alive!”
After seeing a social worker looking up and down the hall and overhearing him say to the nurse “Did you see a girl in a flannel shirt, Damn I think I lost my drug addict” I finally got called into a room.
To be continued…………………….
March 12, 2011 § Leave a comment
Some questions are not only stupid but downright perplexing. Case in point “I would never get a hysterectomy.” Because of the hormonal changes or because of the surgery itself? I ask “No because I wouldn’t want to buy all new pants.” Well I’m sure the weight gain won’t be that bad. “Oh I didn’t even think about the weight issue”
You may be asking why didn’t I ask to find out what the hell she was talking about but I couldn’t bring myself to. I’d rather be left scratching my head than hearing her weird idea of what a hysterectomy does to a womans body that would require me to buy all new pants.
March 5, 2011 § Leave a comment
Upon returning to work from surgery you will get some of your best stupid questions, like :
“Hey Michelle glad to have you back.” Thanks.(notice how i didn’t say it was good to be back) *whispers* “And they look completely natural, can’t even tell you had work done” WHAT? “You had a boob job right.” No. “Oh, I must have heard wrong. So where did you have the work done?” My uterus. “Huh, never heard of that. Must be a new one”
March 3, 2011 § Leave a comment
It was bound to happen, I haven’t seen the inside of a hospital in over 3 months (which for me is some kind of record) so it was really no suprise when I got to visit it again this Friday. But it wasn’t due to any hysterctomy, hormone or womanly issues (also a record), no the reason I was there had to do with a man. A man who literally plowed into the back of my vehicle while my car was stuck in snow. To add some extra fun it was off the highway so he was doing about 35-40 (in a blizzard mind you) needless to say in the war against my little car and his 13 year old gremlin, I lost.
He knocks on my window as I’m draped over the steering wheel and starts yelling at me. Yes you heard me right this guys yells at me for being stuck and in his very important way. One of my favorite lines was “Why the hell did you stop?” It’s early, I’m not only extremly hormonal,I’m in pain and the accident triggered a hot flash so I’m hot as hell too. If I hadn’t been dizzy & worried I was going to pass out I would have summoned my menopausal superhuman strength and hurt that little man (no jury would convict me either)
I manage to drive myself the half mile to work and start feeling not only the normal effects of a car accident but severe stomach pain. Great I swear to god if I need another surgery because of that douche bag, I quit. Fast forward to me calling my doctor and explaining what happened and him basically yelling at me to go directly to the emergency room. Even though it has been 3 months since my surgery I am technically still in recovery so any injury has to be checked out. So emergency room here I come.
My adventures at the ER will be posted in Part 2 tomorrow!
March 1, 2011 § Leave a comment
Gloria Steinem wrote a hilarious article called “If Men Could Menstruate*” about how periods would be received differently if it was the man who had to go through with it. I was inspired reading it again last night so I’m doing my own take on it.
- All menopausal products would be in hip, bright packaging & endorsed by famous sports figures, that they would proudly place in their shopping carts. They would also be on sale all the time and probably get a tax write off.
- When a man suddenly starts crying he would get comforting looks “Oh man look how brave that man is”
- Menopause would count as a sick day and you would get paid time off while you were dealing with the adjustment.
- Men would probably actually loose weight.
- They would be convinced that menopause has actually made their penis bigger.
- Once they hit menopausal age they would not feel old just the opposite that would think that this made them more masculine so they would be on the lookout for new exciting women.
- They would high five their friends when they were experiencing a hot flash.
- The first instance of rapid heartbeat and their doctor would put them on instant bed rest.
- After much research they would find out that beer actually decreases headaches and lower back pain.
- There would be a Menopause Marathon: Walk for a Cure, held yearly and would raise millions.
- There would also be a televised telethon, airing on all major networks, hosted by Billy Crystal with Brad Pitt & George Clooney on the phones.
- There would be little blue pills that made all symptoms non existent, especially lose of libido, they would actually combine it with Viagra so they would only have to take one pill a day.
- Any prescription to deal with menopause would be 100% covered by all insurance.
- Menopause would have it’s own month. “May is Menopause Awareness Month” and they would put out calendars called “Hormonal Hunks” to raise money
- You would never hear the phrase “It’s all in your head”
- Menopause would not be called the change of life but the time of your life. It would have a fashionable name like “Masculine Maturity”
- It would become the ultimate pickup line “Hey baby, your so hot and I thought my menopause gave me hot flashes”
- There would be special public bathrooms lined with cold clothes, heating pads, Tylenol, tissues and free chocolate
- Therapy would be mandatory, free and would be offered after hours so you wouldn’t have to take time off of work ( not that your boss would care if you did )
But although these points are true the sad fact is that is men experienced menopause they would have already found a cure.
Also a huge thanks to my boyfriend for letting me use his picture for this pots (well actually he didn’t know what the post was about )
*Read the great, hilarious article here: http://www.mylittleredbook.net/imcm_orig.pdf
February 12, 2011 § Leave a comment
The day after your hysterectomy you will get a call from your doctor’s office following up with (basically they are just making sure you are still alive and that you haven’t killed your significant other) If your as lucky as I was you will get the most perkiest woman with a high pitched voice who is way to happy to be at work. But who calls you isn’t really important because you will be so doped up out of your mind you’ll have no idea who is calling, why they are calling or for that matter where the hell you even are. So my phone call went a little bit like this:
Ring, Ring, Ring Oh crap I hear ringing I must have not shut the faucet off I say to my boyfriend Ring, Ring He answers the phone and then says to me “It’s your doctor’s office they just want to see how you’re feeling after your surgery” I had surgery?, I whispered (yes I had some good drugs)
Helllooooooooo “Yes Hi MIchelle my name is Karen and I just wanted to see how you were feeling on this beautiful sunshiny day?” Grunt “Well I have to ask you some questions and then I you can get back to working on getting better, alrighty. (I shit you not she said alrighty) Are you in any pain?” Well I was but I’m taking a lot of meds so I really don’t feel a thing ” Ok thats fine for today but what you want to try and do is get off the pain meds as quickly as you can. What I suggest is trying to build up your pain tolerance, make it a game, when you are in pain see how long you can go without taking a pain med.” What kind of fucked up game is that? “Ummmm maybe game wasn’t the right word. Next question, are you eating anything?” No, I feel like I’m going to throw up at the mere mention of food. “That’s very normal but you want to try and eat something & something healthy. If you throw up try again in an hour” (at this point in the conversation I really just want to hang up on her but unlike many of my past love interests I have a feeling that she’ll call back) “Ok, one more question and we’re done, Did you have sex last night or this morning?” and with that I hang up. Ring, Ring. Oh, Dammit.
February 5, 2011 § Leave a comment
An excerpt of a conversation with me & an individual (who’s identity I shall keep secret for their own protection )
“How are you feeling since your surgery?” Oh a little tired, sweaty as heck but overall feeling good. “Well that’s good to hear and how about your periods? Do you notice any difference?” Um, yes ONE big difference I don’t have them any more. “Really?” “Yep no more”
“But if you don’t have any more periods how will you know if your pregnant or not!”