January 25, 2013 § 2 Comments
After my last post about me being an idiot I was flooded with emails from friends very happy to remind me of all of my other “stupid” moments. Ben was especially “helpful” in reminding me of all of my lapses in intelligence. So back by popular demand here are 5 more of the reasons I may be the stupidest person I have ever met.
1) What the Frack?
Ben & I were watching TV and the new Matt Damon movie trailer for “Promised Land” was playing. Ben was telling me what an important movie it was and how he wanted to see it. He was trying to explain fracking to me and marcellus shale. He was horrified when I asked “Who is Marcellus Shale? Is that who Matt Damon is playing?”
2) What I learned from David Hasselhoff
On an episode of “I love the 80’s” they were recapping the tearing down of the Berlin wall & how David Hasselhoff was singing at it. The announcer said how big he is in Germany & that’s why he was there. I was instantly confused and asked Ben why it mattered if he was big in Germany. Apparently the Berlin wall was not in Russia like I thought. Thanks Hoff.
3) I’m a MAC
As a designer I love all things MAC and apple & considered myself well versed in the history of the company. But when I was reading the Steve Jobs biography I had a A-HA moment or should I say an A-DUH moment. The author was recalling the making of the first Macintosh computer and then it dawned on me-Oh crap Macintosh is a type of apple, hence the name. Seriously I never put two & two together.
4) Oh Brother Where Art Thou
Did you know the mini-series Band of Brothers was not about the civil rights movement. Seriously I have no sense of history, if you haven’t noticed.
5) The Beatles
I was named after the song “Michelle” by the Beatles. I loved this song as long as I can remember I especially loved the part “Some day monkey won’t play piano on gum. Play piano on gum” What you don’t remember that part? That’s because apparently it doesn’t say that all it’s just the song in French. (Listen to the song you will never hear it the same way)
May 21, 2011 § Leave a comment
“Your turning the BIG 30” Yep. “So when are you going to get married?” I have no idea, shouldn’t you be bothering my boyfriend I mean he’s the one really holding things up don’t you think? “But he’s younger than you (not too much younger I’m not a menopausal cougar) he has an excuse you on the other hand need to start getting serious” We’ve been together for over 6 years “if your not married it doesn’t count” Who made that rule? Is that the new math. “Laugh all you want but since you aren’t having kids marriage is the last thing you have to look forward to at this age.”
You have heard it hear folks I’m doomed, if I am not married in the next year I will cease to be a valuable part of society. I will be shipped off to the island of unwed 20 year old’s to live out my remaining days in comfort but away from the rest of the people as to not scare the younger children. I will live on to become a cautionary tale “You don’t want to be like Michelle do you? having hot flashes on some island away from society because she wasn’t married” Wait a minute that sounds great, Happy Birthday to me!
Also did you know I have a Facebook page? Check it out and post your story about turning the big 30 or thoughts about my experience. Note if you are my family and want to tell me again how I’m not married, wait what am I saying my family can’t figure out Facebook, I am safe.
February 5, 2011 § Leave a comment
An excerpt of a conversation with me & an individual (who’s identity I shall keep secret for their own protection )
“How are you feeling since your surgery?” Oh a little tired, sweaty as heck but overall feeling good. “Well that’s good to hear and how about your periods? Do you notice any difference?” Um, yes ONE big difference I don’t have them any more. “Really?” “Yep no more”
“But if you don’t have any more periods how will you know if your pregnant or not!”
January 22, 2011 § Leave a comment
There is a great line in Toy Story where Sid is torturing toys and refers to himself as a doctor, Buzz looks at Woody and says “ I don’t belive that man has ever been to medical school” Well since seeing that I have uttered that line quite a few times through my whole ordeal but never did it ring so true than the following instance. WARNING: You will not believe what you are reading you will think I am exaggerating or making the whole thing up but I have a witness ( for which I’m glad because I sometimes don’t believe it happened myself & it’s nice to have conformation that it wasn’t all in my head)
1year and half ago before I got the right diagnosis there were countless trips to doctors, specialists and the occasional emergency room visit (before I had insurance). Every time I went the symptoms were the same-severe nausea, headaches, dizziness, stomach pain & dizziness. Being a woman I would get the same two diagnosis’s: I’m stressed or I was pregnant, not very original and pretty much what I expected them to say right off the bat ( just a fun side note in the past 2 years I have taken over 34 pregnancy tests )
But on this rare occasion I got a different diagnosis, one that left me and my boyfriend utterly speechless. The “doctor” walks in and says “Well I’ve seen the combination of symptoms before, it’s rare but it could explain what’s been going on with you” That’s great news. I can’t wait to get a possible answer. “Have you had surgery before?” Yes, several in fact (alright i’m thinking to myself now we’re getting somewhere) “Well have they ever checked to see if your organs were in the right place?” Excuse me? can you repeat that, I think I misheard you “It’s quite possible your organs are on the opposite side of where they should be” Are you fucking with me? “Or they could have moved” Are you telling me that you believe organs can just move form place to place in your body. It’s not like one day your kidney doesn’t like the neighborhood and relocates because there are better schools near the colon. “Ha, Ha your really funny.” “If my organs weren’t where they are supposed to be wouldn’t that have showed up on the ultrasound you just took?” “Oh that’s right, I didn’t think of that” Wait a minute I’m feeling a body part moving, it’s my foot about to make contact with your ass, idiot.
January 15, 2011 § 6 Comments
One of the small changes I made after my surgery was I got contacts because I might be having a hot flash when I go out to eat but I’m sure as hell not going to pull out my glasses to read the menu. On my first day back to work I get some great compliments about my new found ocular freedom and then I get this one “Hey your not wearing your glasses, that’s great that the hysterectomy fixed your vision too” (oh yeah he was completely serious)
January 8, 2011 § 1 Comment
I have never really minded needles but ever since my last two surgeries they just put me into panic mode. It’s not so much the needle that bothers me as the people’s aim with the needle that gets me.The minute they start to unwrap the IV pack I turn white and look like I’m going to pass out (but the upside to that is that they will make sure they get the best nurse & they sure as hell won’t miss the damn vein because they don’t want you to faint) So as the nurse was prepping my IV I was happy to hear her say “Oh do you have a problem with needles, we have something that will help you relax, it really helps people with a fear of needles” “What are you waiting for?” she turns to her cart and I hear the rustling of plastic and my soon to be road to relaxation, I have finally outsmarted you needle. She turns around and is holding the biggest needle I have ever seen it literally looks like a needle on The Twilight Zone. “Ok, are you ready” “Ready for what? What the hell is up with the friggin needle” “You said you wanted something to relax” “So your solution to people being scared of needles is injecting them with a much larger needle, what kind of sense is that” “I don’t follow” *insert sigh*