January 6, 2013 § 1 Comment
So for the most part I consider myself intelligent. I read books without any pictures, I can carry on a conversation about current events, I can write coherent sentences & I even teach students, so I know I don’t lack knowledge. All that beng said every once in a while I’m reminded of how utterly stupid I can be. Maybe stupidity isn’t the right word just totally unaware of the obvious (no I can’t sugar coat it it’s stupidity) Now since I consider you all friends I’m going to share 7 stories of utter stupidity with you so you can all feel better about yourselves & get a laugh at my expense. Ok here we go:
1) I just realized that if you put Kanga and Roo from Winnie the Pooh together it’s a Kangaroo (no seriously this blew my mind)
2) I thought the Hatfield’s & The McCoy’s was a mini-series on Enron & Bernie Madoff
3) In Cast Away with Tom Hanks I just thought Wilson was a clever name. Imagine my surprise when I was in WalMart & saw a whole bunch of volley ball’s with Wilson on them. You may think I put and two together but no I said “Oh they renamed them because of the film”
4) As me and Ben were taking a hike one day he asked me “Hey do you know what the Rock says?” to which I answered “Umm duh, “Can you smell what the Rock is cooking” I didn’t see why suddenly he was crying in laughter. Between him gasping for breathe he pointed to a historical monument in the shape of a rock with writing on it. Apparently he had meant the actual Rock and not my favorite wrestler turned actor The Rock.
5) Another Tom Hanks shocker in the movie Forrest Gump I was always baffled by why they showed Forrest with John Lennon. When we were watching that particular part I voiced my confusion for this “This part of the film doesn’t make any sense. Every other part has a point why is he having a conversation with John Lennon that leads nowhere” Ben just put on the song “Imagine” & walked out of the room with his head down.
6) Ben was watching the movie Amadeus and I asked what it was about. He gave me a blank stare and said “Umm Mozart” to which I said “What does Amadeus have to do with Mozart?” Apparently Mozart had a first name-who knew?
7) I thought Napoleon crossed the Delaware not George Washington (they both had blue jackets with buttons it’s confusing)
8) Jersey Boys turns out is not a musical adaption of “The Jersey Shore”(although I still say it would sell like crazy)
9) All these years I have been mishearing the song lyrics to a Prince song. I was singing in the car and Ben gave me one of his looks “What are you singing?” “this song” I replied “It’s Raspberry Beret not Raspberry Chevrolet. Why would you think it said Chevrolet?” “I thought it was the sequel to “Little Red Corvette”” It was not.
Hopefully after reading these if you are ever feeling down you can say “well at least I’m not as dumb as that woman” YOUR WELCOME.
May 19, 2011 § 2 Comments
Today is my birthday, I am officially 30 years old. Not only am I now a 30-year-old woman but I am a menopausal 30-year-old woman. Now I’m not usually the kind of person who is concerned with getting older but there is something terrifying about the word 30. First I don’t feel 30, I don’t look 30 I still have cartoons on my glass ware( and that’s the kind we offer to company, that is no 30-year-old behavior) 30-year-old women have 401k’s, good china and they have matching throw pillows I however barely have matching socks.
It’s not so much how I feel about turning 30 but it’s everyone else’s perception about the age. You watch commercials and its anti-aging cream for women over 30 and look at the magazine covers they read “how to stay sexy over 30”. I went to Target to look at the birthday cards and this is what I saw: the birthday cards for 29 year olds were these stylish women drinking cocktails laughing in hip outfits, really neat patterns & phrases like “Have a birthday as stylish as you are” or “Here’s hoping your birthday is as fun and interesting as you are” but then you look right next to them and you know what you see on the 30 birthday cards? Grim Reapers and pictures of grandma’s. I shit you not. In the span of a year you go from a stylish interesting woman to a blue haired women in a walker. Last year I was wearing daisy dukes now I am Driving Miss Daisy. I even saw on one card a picture of a clock with legs that said “Your biological clock is ticking” who the hell gives these cards?
It’s also the way people (especially women) react when you tell them you are turning thirty. I have gotten such responses as “Oh, I’m sorry”, “Are you ok?”, “How are you handling it?” My family took me out to dinner and this lovely waitress came over to our table and my family told her that I was celebrating my 30th birthday and the waitress leaned over me, put her hand on my shoulder and asked “oh, how are you doing? are you ok with that?’ I swear I have gotten more pity looks in the last week than I did when I had my hysterectomy. Plus women love to tell you their birthday horror stories like ” I spent my 30th eating a pan of brownies and crying over my high school yearbook” I have actually have had people tell me I shouldn’t be alone that day. I swear I feel like I should go to a random funeral just for some more cheerful conversation.
Yesterday I was in a happy fulfilling relationship now people are saying “hey when are you getting married I mean you are 30 now, You don’t want to be one of those “old” brides”. Yes I can’t imagine how I will make it down the aisle I mean with my hip replacement and all and but I’m probably so close to being senile that it won’t even matter because I could be marrying a camel and no one would notice.
Men will never understand this because it’s totally different for them, a man turns 30 and people say “oh, you’re so young, you have your whole life ahead of you” and “there’s plenty of time to get married, have fun” With my hormones mixed with this day I say SCREW YOU very much. They are loosing their hair, can barely fit into sweat pants and consider cheese whiz dairy and they are the ones who are youthful and full of promise, typical.
Now, I don’t mean to get biblical for my last statement on the subject but when you are feeling down about THE BIG 30 just remember this lesser known teaching in the Bible: Even Jesus walked with prostitutes, washed feet of the lepers and broke bread with ladies that had just turned 30 and got an Over the Hill” Hallmark card.
May 18, 2011 § Leave a comment
You might have noticed that I have written anything in a while and it’s not because my uterus suddenly grew back and my menopause went away or I suddenly became less sarcastic, no the reason is because I had the weirdest (and with all the things I have gone through that really is saying something) infection of my life.
I will pick up the story where I left off with me getting a root canal. Well my dentist put me on an antibiotic and a few days later I started to feel really run down, tired and my stomach was all sorts of upset.You know how you have bad hair days, I thought I was just having bad menopause days. By Saturday it was apparent that something was wrong but I thought it might just be the stomach flu or food poisoning but upon waking up in the middle of night with stomach pain so extreme I couldn’t walk, Sunday I was on my way to the emergency room.
No mind you it is 3am on Easter Sunday and there is probably not a scarier place on earth to be than the emergency room. These are some of the people we encountered while waiting: a woman with a black eye telling the check in lady that she got in bar fight and has no idea where she’s at now, a man who got drunk and hit his head when he fell in a ditch, a victim of a knife fight, a woman who could only be described as a street-walker with a tight T-shirt with a leopard head on it and see through white stretch pants and gold gladiator sandals and a woman who was handcuffed to her chair.
So after being triaged this wonderful nurse decided that I wasn’t a hooker or a drunk so we got to wait in the back room this however was not much better. From these chairs I got to watch a woman pace the hall screaming “Lord help me, please help me. I want to die” and got to hear this coming from one of the rooms in front of us “Take your damn pills Karl” FUCK YOU, you can’t make me you Nazi “Listen you either take the pills or I will call security” Call security You crazy bitch, I’m not taking your communist pills “You know what I don’t care anymore don’t take your pills your just going to be back here in an hour anyway” So then we see a nurse leave the room and come back with two security guards (now mind you I am sick as a dog but I suddenly perk up because I might see a gun fight or someone might shoot me and put me out of my misery) When the guards enter I hear them say “Alright guy the party’s over let’s go” FUCK YOU, get away from me you devil “Take your pills and you can go” I’m not taking your pills. Die pigs. “Either you leave or we are going to drag you out of here” I’d like to see you try, you bastards. This just kept going on and on for about 15 minutes until he was escorted out screaming “You’ll never take me alive!”
After seeing a social worker looking up and down the hall and overhearing him say to the nurse “Did you see a girl in a flannel shirt, Damn I think I lost my drug addict” I finally got called into a room.
To be continued…………………….
April 15, 2011 § Leave a comment
Let’s put aside the fact that I think the universe is trying to kill me: First the hysterectomy didn’t kill me, at times I felt like menopause was killing me but I lived through that, then without missing a beat it was a car accident and now just when I’m starting to not fear leaving my house I was in need of a triple root canal because of an infection.
But like with most things I encounter even a root canal has an element of hilarity. I was prescribed a simple antibiotic which before taking I was reading the list of side effects and thats when I came across the following statement, I shit you not: Although this effect is uncommon, you may develop a black “hairy” tongue while taking this medication. This effect is harmless and usually goes away.
Imagine reading that, I mean this might be the one side effect I actually wouldn’t mind getting just to see what a hairy tongue looks like. I wonder if you can shave a tongue? What I wonder is why do all the medications I need have unwanted hair as side effects, what’s next a vitamin that will cause hairy knee caps?
April 14, 2011 § Leave a comment
I don’t know when it happened it must have been happening so gradually that I wasn’t prepared when I came to the realization that Dr. Drew is everywhere. Seriously, test my theory I challenge you to turn on cable TV and find a show that he has not been on. When did he become the go to guy to ask? And he gets asked for his diagnosis about everything: Dr. Drew what is your opinion on Charlie Sheen’s mental condition? Do you think this person is an addict? Dr. Drew what do you think of this weather we are having? I swear I even saw him on the Food Network being asked if he thought the steak had been overcooked.
To be perfectly honest I really didn’t have any opinions of the guy good or bad, I figured we could peacefully share the cable airwaves, I mean I’m an adult I can share the basic cable airwaves with this guy. That was until I caught an episode of his new show. First off I was not seeking any more Dr. Drew but his new show moved into one of my shows time slot and instead of digging around my couch covers for the remote I decided to sit there and listen (yes I am quite aware that my laziness has no bounds, I once watched a whole marathon of Knight Rider because my remotes batteries had died)
The topic of the show was “Latter in Life Lesbians” and I was starting to get interested in the topic until Dr. Drew spouts his theory: “ I believe it has to do with the onset of menopause. When women can no longer reproduce their bodies start start saying, Hey I don’t need men anymore so I can be attracted to women now” So not only do us menopausal women have to deal with so many other misconceptions now we have to add suddenly becoming lesbians to the list. Can you imagine going to your doctor when they are going over the side effects, well this may cause hot flashes, fatigue, dizziness oh and you might suddenly become a lesbian. Being someone who believes strongly that is not a choice & it’s something you are born with and probably women of a certain age just say screw society I don’t care what people think anymore I’m going to go be happy with who I want to be happy with, this whole thing offends me but the fact that he thinks menopause suddenly turns us into a whole new person is insulting. At this point I’m so angry I can’t turn the channel now if I wanted to because I can’t wait to see what he is going to say next. He starts interviewing a woman and she is talking about finding her true self later in life and how she was just coming to terms to her identity and this boob asks her “Are you sure it’s not just the hormone you are taking?” This man can not be a doctor.
But lets just say Dr. Drew is right and it is a choice that menopausal women make here is the real reason: women are sick of their husbands not understanding what they are going through and instead of dealing with them asking why the house is freezing and getting you a heating pad for your birthday, women say screw it and decide to live with someone who finally gets it.
March 7, 2011 § 3 Comments
This weekend I went out-of-town for the first time since my surgery and to fulfill my mission of finding the perfect moisturizer. I have never had dry skin before so I blame it on the menopause (like I do most everything) , plus it gives me an excuse to buy something that smells pretty.
I take my mission very seriously and make sure to visit every option (take in account that I am out-of-town and not used to more than one choise on anything. Our mall actually combines the health & beauty store with the pretzel place) and then I walk into Sephora, aka the holy grail of lotions, potions & soaps.
As I was trying different samples this young girl comes up to me and asks ” Can help you find something?” No I’m ok, just browsing. “Well if you need any help just let me know and just so you know the anti-aging cream is in the back corner”
Needless to say I leave the store and do what every normal woman would do after being told she looks old by a teenager, I ate 3 large cupcakes & went home and compared myself to “The Golden Girls”. Even though you can escape your town whenever you want you can’t escape your age.
March 3, 2011 § Leave a comment
It was bound to happen, I haven’t seen the inside of a hospital in over 3 months (which for me is some kind of record) so it was really no suprise when I got to visit it again this Friday. But it wasn’t due to any hysterctomy, hormone or womanly issues (also a record), no the reason I was there had to do with a man. A man who literally plowed into the back of my vehicle while my car was stuck in snow. To add some extra fun it was off the highway so he was doing about 35-40 (in a blizzard mind you) needless to say in the war against my little car and his 13 year old gremlin, I lost.
He knocks on my window as I’m draped over the steering wheel and starts yelling at me. Yes you heard me right this guys yells at me for being stuck and in his very important way. One of my favorite lines was “Why the hell did you stop?” It’s early, I’m not only extremly hormonal,I’m in pain and the accident triggered a hot flash so I’m hot as hell too. If I hadn’t been dizzy & worried I was going to pass out I would have summoned my menopausal superhuman strength and hurt that little man (no jury would convict me either)
I manage to drive myself the half mile to work and start feeling not only the normal effects of a car accident but severe stomach pain. Great I swear to god if I need another surgery because of that douche bag, I quit. Fast forward to me calling my doctor and explaining what happened and him basically yelling at me to go directly to the emergency room. Even though it has been 3 months since my surgery I am technically still in recovery so any injury has to be checked out. So emergency room here I come.
My adventures at the ER will be posted in Part 2 tomorrow!