February 17, 2013 § Leave a comment
I don’t know if it’s being 30 or the fact that I feel like I’ve lost 2 years to being sick but I just feel like I am behind with all the things I want to do in my life. So instead of actually taking action I came up with a much more realistic plan. That’s right, I built a time machine and I am going to interview my two younger selves. I’m going to see what my 20 year old & 8 year old self thinks about where I’m at in life. Perhaps this will give me the much needed perspective.
My 20 year old self.
What are you wearing? “I didn’t really have any idea what to wear, time traveling and all so I thought my PJ’s would be most comfortable.”
So what is our life like, are we famous yet? “Um, not quite. We work at a school and freelance on the side.”
I guess that’s cool. What about our boyfriend is he hot? Is he covered in tattoo’s & has a faux hawk? “Actually he’s a Republican who wears brown loafers and all different kinds of argile.”
“Is he at least in a band? ” He played the trombone in marching band.”
Why are you sweating? “Oh, it’s the hot flashes”
Wait how far in the future are you? “Oh, yeah you should probably know. We are going to go through menopause before 30.” Stunned Silence.
“Let’s change the subject. What are you going to do tonight?” I have no idea. Hopefully some friends will stop by and we’ll probably go out later. It’s way to early to tell.
“It’s almost 7:00pm on a Tuesday and you have school tomorrow. Maybe if you studied more we wouldn’t be working at a crappy job. Sorry, it’s the hormones.”
“Well it’s getting late. But I want to leave you with some advice: Don’t spend all your money on VHS tapes they are going to useless in a few years, don’t bother buying pregnancy tests, your infertile, go nuts, don’t eat anything in a mall food court and wear nice underwear everyday because we are going to get hit by a drunk driver & will be seen by the entire medical staff in our granny panties.”
It was nice meeting you, I guess. Hey, can you buy me alcohol before you leave?
So a case of Mikes Hard Lemonade later, I was on my way to visit my 8 year old self.
” Thanks. What are you doing?” Finger painting!!! I love drawing so much.
“Well in the future that will be part of your job.” Wait, we get to draw all day and get money for it. That’s so cool. “I guess it is cool.”
What’s being grown up like? “It’s pretty much the same, we live a little town with a pretty great guy.” Ewwwww. Boys are gross. “Yeah most of the time. Plus we have two cats.” Kitties!!!
Do you want some of Lip Smackers chap stick? It’s Dr. Pepper flavored. “I think I will thanks.” I would invite you into my blanket fort but it’s almost time for dinner. We are having grilled cheese & dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.Want some?
“No. You actually become a vegetarian.” Your silly!!
“Anything you want to ask me before I go?” Do we ever get to meet Minnie Mouse? “Yep. We have been to Disney World, Italy, New York City, Maine all over really.”
I get to live by myself with kitties, draw all day and stay up as long as I want.Plus you get to wear your PJ’s when it’s not bed time. I can’t wait to grow up, it’s going to be so cool!!
May 20, 2012 § Leave a comment
For my birthday I posted the 10 reasons it’s better to be 30 than 20 but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t also do a post of 10 things that get worse in your 30’s (Sorry but I can only be an optimist for a limited time)
At 20: When I got a phone call at 10:00 pm on a Friday I thought “Alright there’s a party somewhere” At 30: I get a phone call at 10:0o pm on a Friday and I think “Oh great someone’s been in an accident or dead”
At 20: They were just “my jeans” At 30: They are “My skinny, one day I hope to fit into them again jeans” ( I secretly keep them in my closet still convinced that my new dryer shrank them)
At 20: When my mom used to take me to a movie in the middle of the week I used to give her an eye roll when she said “Why is it so packed on a weekday? Don’t these people have jobs or school?” At 30: I recently went to see Hunger Games on a week day (the first showing because tickets are a $1.00 cheaper) and as we pulled into the parking lot I caught myself saying “Why are these kids here isn’t there school? Is it a holiday? Don’t these parents work?” (Kind of a double whammy because you catch yourself saying things your mother said and you vowed to never say them when you got older)
At 20: I used to be able to eat anything I wanted At 30: My meal choices are based on whether I have to be up early the next day or if I remembered my heartburn pills.
At 20: I used to date guys with mohawks, black eyeliner and neck tattoos. At 30: I see a group of those guys and I wonder what they are up to.
At 20: Listening to Nirvana and Pearl Jam meant you were rebellious and on the cutting edge of music At 30: No one knows who the hell Nirvana is and they are under Classic 90’s on Pandora.
At 20: A Saturday night out consisted of bar hopping, going to one of our boyfriends shows (that’s right we all dated musicians back then) and not getting home until 2:30 am Sunday At 30: A Saturday night out is picking up my Chinese food
At 20: Dinner was anytime after 9:00 pm At 30: We try to have dinner at 5:00 to “beat the crowds”
At 20: I only took naps when I was sick At 30: The promise of a nap is sometimes the only thing that gets me through a day
At 20: Moving only took a half a day and only cost you a case of beer At 30: I have put off moving for 3 years because I worry it will be mistaken for a Hoarder intervention
March 22, 2011 § 2 Comments
It was only yesterday when I was sharing PMS stories with my girlfriends, complaining about cramps & sharing tampons now I find myself sharing stories with my mother. That’s right people I get to go through menopause with my 55-year-old mother (as if my therapist didn’t have enough material to work with)
Me and my mom were at Panera enjoying some Mac & Cheese when my mom asks me “Is it hot in here or is it my hot flashes? Oh no, now you can’t tell either” and starts laughing hysterically, Gee thanks mom. Then she starts listing her symptoms & trying to compare them to mine. I realize at this point that my mom doesn’t realize she is slowly killing me & finds this whole situation perfectly normal. I however do not want to be a 29-year-old experiencing menopause with my mother it feels like a frickin science experiment gone wrong. Soon I will be on the cover of the National Enquirer: Daughter and Mother Experience menopause together & fight over a latin lover (ok so not the latin lover part but they would add some other steamy element to the story)
The straw that broke tha camels back (or on my case the straw that caused extreme lower back pain) is that my mom came by the other day with an article clipping (FYI: my family loves sharing clippings it has become a sickness. Every card, package, Christmas present has a clipping from some periodical hidden within it somewhere.) “Here I clipped this for you It’s a great article about dealing with the symptoms of menopause” Thanks mom, where did you find this one? “My AARP magazine” Sigh, leave it to my mom for having me long for the days of tampons & cramps.
March 3, 2011 § Leave a comment
It was bound to happen, I haven’t seen the inside of a hospital in over 3 months (which for me is some kind of record) so it was really no suprise when I got to visit it again this Friday. But it wasn’t due to any hysterctomy, hormone or womanly issues (also a record), no the reason I was there had to do with a man. A man who literally plowed into the back of my vehicle while my car was stuck in snow. To add some extra fun it was off the highway so he was doing about 35-40 (in a blizzard mind you) needless to say in the war against my little car and his 13 year old gremlin, I lost.
He knocks on my window as I’m draped over the steering wheel and starts yelling at me. Yes you heard me right this guys yells at me for being stuck and in his very important way. One of my favorite lines was “Why the hell did you stop?” It’s early, I’m not only extremly hormonal,I’m in pain and the accident triggered a hot flash so I’m hot as hell too. If I hadn’t been dizzy & worried I was going to pass out I would have summoned my menopausal superhuman strength and hurt that little man (no jury would convict me either)
I manage to drive myself the half mile to work and start feeling not only the normal effects of a car accident but severe stomach pain. Great I swear to god if I need another surgery because of that douche bag, I quit. Fast forward to me calling my doctor and explaining what happened and him basically yelling at me to go directly to the emergency room. Even though it has been 3 months since my surgery I am technically still in recovery so any injury has to be checked out. So emergency room here I come.
My adventures at the ER will be posted in Part 2 tomorrow!
February 26, 2011 § 2 Comments
Once you make the decision to have a hysterectomy they give you an “out clause” literally at every turn. Every time you say the word hysterectomy it’s followed up by the following question “Are you sure, because you can still change your mind?” After the 30th time you just get used to saying “Yes I’m sure, Yes I know what it means.” At one point I contemplated getting a T-shirt made that said “Yes I’m sure, Now put me under”
Throughout being asked this question over & over again one nurse asked me it in a way that quite frankly pissed me off and even now when I think about it I still get a little peeved: “I see here that you are scheduled for a hysterectomy in three weeks and this is your final checkup before the surgery.” Yep, that’s right. “That’s a pretty serious operation you know after that there’s no going back, once it’s done it’s done” Yes, I’m aware of that “Are you aware this means you can never have children?” Yes I am aware of that as well. “And you are very young. It’s a huge decision are you sure you have thought about it fully?” I have thank you. “Do you have a husband/boyfriend?” I don’t really see what that has to do with this…. “Well what does he think? Maybe you check with him and make sure it’s ok with him before you make this LIFELONG decision”
I was speechless, apparently I had just traveled through a wormhole back to the 50’s where I had to run my decisions by the man of the house( if you knew my boyfriend he is barely man of his chair). “You just never now how he’ll react, you should consider that in your decision as well” I’m pretty sure this bitch just told me there’s a chance that my boyfriend will break up with me if I have this surgery, well jokes on her post surgery there’s a better chance of me killing him then him leaving voluntarily.
February 21, 2011 § Leave a comment
I recently created a Facebook page for this blog because I wanted to make it easier to share your stories and get suggestions from each other. Throughout the week I will pose questions or ask your opinions please feel free to join in.
Post your answers here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Does-this-hysterectomy-make-me-look-fat/182882608416258
What your biggest worry is when dealing with the possibility of a hysterectomy?
February 19, 2011 § Leave a comment
This blog has been getting so much positive feedback that I created a DOES THIS HYSTERECTOMY MAKE ME LOOK FAT Facebbok page. I want this to be a place for others to share their stories, suggest topics for upcoming posts, give me feedback and ask questions and most important have a sense of a sup[portive community. I will be also posting helpful articles, helpful resources and other blogs and of course some just funny tidbits. Please “Like” the page and join in on the discussion.