{ shouldn’t you buy me flowers first? }

March 17, 2012 § Leave a comment

A day before my consultation with the surgical oncologist  I got a call from one of the people in her office just to make sure I was prepared and if I had any questions on what to bring. Should be a fairly uneventful conversation, right? So I have no idea when the conversation took a weird unexpected turn:

“Hello Michelle I am calling on behalf of Dr. What’s Her Name to just briefly go over what to expect from your appointment tomorrow.” Great, thank you. “So you should arrive 15 minutes early and make sure you bring the forms we sent you. You have filled out the forms we sent you right?” Of course, I filled them out the day I got them (shit I’ve got to fill out those forms, double shit I have to find where I put those forms) “Wonderful. You would be surprised by how many people leave them to the last minute” Really, you don’t say (Seriously where the hell did I put those damn forms) “You will be meeting with the nurse to go over your medical history and then you will have an exam with the doctor, any questions so far?” (Um yeah what happens if you loose your forms.) Um, No questions. ” As for clothing it’s really important that you wear something that you can easily get over your head. The easier the garment can me removed the better” So what I usually wear on dates, Got it. “We prefer a bra that can you can snap on & off fairly quickly” (Ok now you sound like my boyfriend.) “Unlike the mammography office we would prefer you wear deodorant and please make sure all hair in and around the area is shaved” (Ok seriously I don’t take this long on anniversaries to get ready. That is a lot to ask for someone I haven’t even met yet. I usually like to be wooed a little. You have to earn shaved armpits and an easy access bra.) “Depending on where the mass is the doctor might require you contort your upper body so prepared to be a little sore the next day. And I think that’s it, Any questions?” (Did I accidentally make my appointment with a brothel?)


{ girls on film }

February 23, 2012 § Leave a comment

so if you can follow the logic of this please email me & explain it to me, maybe I’m missing something

Just a quick recap in case you didn’t read my last few posts. First, shame on you my posts are hilarious. Second, they found a lump in my breast and I had to set up a consultation with a surgical oncologist ( see you totally missed all the funny parts, so there)

Unlike normal doctors appointments this one is mailed to you in a huge packet (which I’m convinced they do so you’ll be excited when you open it. Oooo are these my wine glasses for the bath tub I ordered off of eBay? nope, just cleverly disguised paperwork) It’s like you won an invite to an amazing, exclusive party, almost like Cinderella getting asked to the ball. They should have a little guy in a carriage announce it “Lady Michelle, You and your lumpy breasts have been cordially invited to the mammogram ball. Hence forth it will be held on the next fort night. Please adorn yourself in your finest wears since you will be showing off your ample bosoms to the entire kingdom. So it is written, so it is done. (I may have inter mixed my time periods)” The other thing that is different is that you have no control over the appointment, they could schedule you for 2am on a Sunday and guess what, that’s when your going.What that day you happen to be the maid of honor in your sisters wedding too damn bad, the surgical gods have spoken. Perhaps I’m getting a bit off track, all right time to stick with the original story:

My appointment happens to be in the very same office as my mammogram & sonogram was taken, so I was excited when one of the requirements was the following: Make sure to bring all films to your consultation. Lack of films will result in the cancellation of your appointment and a $25 rescheduling fee. Please call to verify that you have your films. Perfect they have my films there, so I don’t have do any prep work. I call the office and say, Hello, I have an appointment and am calling to verify that I have my films, well actually you have my films. “Did you bring them by the office already?” No, but I had my tests done in your office so you have my films. “You still have to get a copy of them and bring them in with you.” Excuse me.“You still have to get copies of your films in order to keep your appointment” But you have them there, they are in the same office. “It doesn’t matter ma’am, it’s the procedure.” Um… I’m sorry, I’m not understanding. “Ma’am to keep your consultation you must produce us with a copy of your films” Yes, but you have my films. You took the original films, they are there now. “You still need to follow the procedure, miss” Ok I promise I’m not trying to be difficult but let me just make sure I have this 100% right. I have to come to your office, the same office I have my appointment get copies of my films, even though you have the originals. Then I need to call you back confirm that I got my films from you and then on the day of my appointment come back to the same office and hand my films to you at the desk, the same person that made me the copies of the films. Do I have that right? “Yes, ma’am I’m glad we could clear up the confusion.” Click.

{ murphy’s law & order }

February 4, 2012 § 3 Comments

Who would have thought that a invasive mammogram & the discovery of a lump in my breast would not be the most painful experience in my week? Since Wednesday my arm and side have been killing me, I’m pretty sure I pulled a muscle or pinched a nerve during my exam so I was very excited when I woke up today and could move my arm (because frankly I was beginning to look like Igor showing Frankenstein around the castle)

You know those days where the moment you walk into work you just know, the day is going to be bad, well today was going to be that day. I got to work and 4 people had called off (lucky bastards)and people were leaving early, soon I realized I was one of only 4 people who were actually still at work. But I stuck it out and one student fight and one overflowing toilet later it was quitting time. Glasses of wine started to dance in my head and suddenly I was on a mission, punch out and go home to a fabulous glass of wine (so what if it comes from a box, that box was an amazing year) Me and a co-worker who I was taking home get in my car and make our escape leaving the day of chaos behind.

As I was driving it was so nice to vent about our day…………..SMASH!!! That’s right I was rear ended, I mean it was my fault, who stops at a Yield sign when ongoing traffic is coming at you. The best part of rear ended is the part when you look back at your new best friend who is now shaking their fist at you. Ahh yes they are angry at you, you the person who had the audacity to look where they were going, I mean what were you thinking, someone behind you obviously needed to get home faster than you. At that point you can at least get some satisfaction from the fact that you have at least slowed them down a bit ‘Glad you rushed now aren’t you buddy, I now plan on writing your information down as slowly as humanly possible‘ I also like to answer as many questions as possible “Your license number? Your mother’s maiden name? Your high school mascot? Ummm Yes I need to know this my insurances company is very particular”

As with most accidents the adrenaline kicks in so if your hurt you have no idea until you get home and clam down. I managed to drive myself home and then I get home and all of a sudden the room started to spin and I was pretty sure I was going to throw up. On to the emergency room I went (I’d like to add that at this point I have no eaten all day because I was waiting for Friday Chinese takeout, do you think I can add that to my auto claim?).

My favorite thing is the questions they ask you when you get admitted for a car accident “So what seems to be bothering you?” I was in car accident and am in a lot of pain and am feeling sick & dizzy “I see and do you think the two are related?” Well I don’t pretend to be a doctor but if I had to take a shot in the dark I would say, ummmm probably. “Were you awake the whole time or did you blackout, do you remember everything that happened or did you experience memory loss?” If I experienced memory loss how would I know, would I forget that as well? I must preface the next series of questions by saying I have dyslexia and when I’m stressed it gets really bad plus I am an artist in the truest sense of the word, very absent-minded. “Do you know where you are?” Yes. “Do you know what month it is?” Yes. February. “What date is it?” Oh shit I have no idea. Who know what date it is unless it’s their birthday. Ok think, think. Um the 1st, no the 2nd yes definitely the 2nd. I hear my boyfriend clear his throat. No its the 3rd. The doctor looks at Ben and he laughs and says “To be fair she never knows what day it is” The doctor was not convinced and then asks “Ok and easy one, what year is it?” 2002…. No I meant 2012. The doctor looks at his clipboard and then says “Right. I’ll be right back” I look at Ben and I agree as he says “Oh shit he is going to order every test there is.”

So the tests begin, even though I tried to convince him I didn’t have brian damage I was just an idiot, it didn’t work. (Note: these are not made up these are actual tests) Ok follow this laser pointer with your eyes, try and kick me while I hold your legs, spread your fingers out (like jazz hands), now hold my hands and try and push me over, rock to your left while looking up, try and look to your left while one leg is raised, puff out your cheeks, smile real big, now frown, look at my nose while I pull your arms and finally my favorite stick your lounge out and wag it at me.

A CT scan, 2 heavy narcotics and having to say the words “I can’t be pregnant I had a hysterectomy numerous times (to which I got the following two responses “I also had a pregnant woman who told me the same story” and “Well you never know when that thing grows back”) later, I got the ok to go with the diagnosis of whiplash, minor head injury and postconcussive syndrome (and the diagnosis that maybe I should be more aware of which year we are living in). On the bright side I have a whole new bag of drugs I get to try and now I can  hardly remember my painful breast twisting mamamogram, thank you reckless driver.

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