Fuck you recommended reading lists

January 19, 2013 § 2 Comments

ImageAwhile back in an effort to improve myself (why does this statement always led to a dark, disappointing road) I had the idea that I needed more culture in my life. My plan was to read all the books on the “100 books you should read before you die”list. These are the classics,  these are the books people talk about at dinner parties (now I don’t go to dinner parties but maybe it’s because I haven’t read these books) My plan was perfect, this is exactly what I need to be the more intelligent, more sophisticated Michelle. 

I started off with Wuthering Heights. Seriously I have never read a more depressing book in my life. This is supposed to be a romance but instead the guy verbally abuses his wife while lusting after a friggin’ ghost. However,  I was not going to be discouraged so I moved on to the Grapes of Wrath, which I have to confess I could not get past the drought.I was hoping it was about wine(you know like Sideways) Then on to starving & TB in Les’Miserables and pedophilia in Lolita. What the hell? I thought these were supposed to be good, uplifting books. I’m now just depressed and kind of grossed out. Ok, American Psycho that’s on the list. Holy Shit, this book is disgusting and scary as hell. It should have been titled hookers & chainsaws to warn people. Seriously, I still have nightmares about this damn book. At this point I am starting to question my project but me being stubborn I am determined to stick with it. 

After going through 40 or more books (that I could not bring myself to finish) I was subjected to a man who made perfume out of his murder victims, women having affairs in Russia, a lot of women who need to earn there place in society by having long walks & lots of talks about hourses, poverty in Brooklyn, poverty in London, poverty in France and a lot of references to Hemingway’s penis. These are what people should be reading? Really? If anything this encouraged me to never want to read (or leave my house for fear of being attacked by a murderous impoverished orphan) So I have happily accepted to be not a “literary intellect” and instead I’m going to grab my copy of Tina Fey’s new book, a glass of wine and enjoy the potential conversations with my cats about this classic. 

6 questions about a hysterectomy that you are too embarrassed to ask

January 18, 2013 § 2 Comments

ImageA hysterectomy for most women is a personal & overwhelming life style change. More often than not women find it very embarrassing. Especially young women. Luckily I have no shame so I am going to answer questions that maybe you are too uncomfortable to ask.

1) Will I gain weight?

Yes. I wish this wasn’t true but it is. Ignore all that business about “well if you just eat right” I ate all organic vegetarian food and I still gained 20 pounds. It’s normal, it sucks but it’s normal. The up side: This should NOT be reason to rule this out. It eventually evens out & you will go back to your normal self. Plus in the mean time enjoy it ( I know am I crazy) Take advantage of the fact no one will say anything because you’ve had surgery for god’s sake and really your the only one who will notice-Promise.

2) Will I loose bladder control?

Yes and No. Some women (usually older) will have problems with bladder control, but with younger women you should not have a problem. But I will fill you in on a little known secret, (doctors didn’t not warn me of this possibility) So we are friends so I have no problem telling you my pee story. Two days after my surgery I stood up and just peed, oh yeah no warning just pee. Luckily no one was home (except the cat who found it hilarious) and luckily it only happened once. The up side: You just got to hear a story about me peeing myself what more of an up side do you need?

3) Will I loose interest in sex?

No. In fact you might be a bit more frisky. Without the pain that caused you to get a hysterectomy and without the worry about getting knocked up you will be back to your vixen self in no time. The up side: This is more for your life partner but with this added bonus he won’t care so much when you are a emotional wreck.

4) How bad are hot flashes?

Fuckin horrible.  Don’t let any quack tell you that it’s just a matter of being warm. It feels like you are in a sauna. You will feel like you have a fever and are on fire from the inside. And don’t let the name fool you it’s never a flash. It can last for a minute or and half an hour. Be aware of the night sweats as well they are the worst. The up side: I haven’t had to buy a winter coat for two years and our heat bills in the winter have been drastically lowered.

5) Do I still need to see my gynecologist?

Yes. Don’t be ashamed of this question my mom (who is a nurse asked me this) You still have lady parts so yes you still have to see your gynecologist. The up side: Have fun with it. Tell them you think your pregnant. Trust me it’s hilarious.

6) How bad are the mood swings?

Perhaps I should let Ben to answer this question because he has been on the receiving end of my  ,um shall we say “outbursts”. They are pretty bad I remember crying because I only had one Oreo cookie left (in retrospect this may been my reaction before menopause). The worst was Ben came home and asked me how my day was and I almost killed him with a shoe. Understand that this is normal and they are uncontrollable(despite what any one else tells you) The up side: You now have a perfect excuse to get out of any situation. Start crying people will just walk away.

So do you have a question? Seriously nothing is off limits. I would love to answer it for you. Leave your questions in the comments below.

Why it can be awesome to be home sick!

January 17, 2013 § 1 Comment

Image

pretty sure this is what i look like

We all know it sucks to be sick but in an effort to look on the more positive side of things I am listing some reasons it’s sometime awesome to be sick.

1) People are obligated to take care of you. This right here is a reason to get married. No matter how much of an ugly troll you are, they have to tell you are beautiful & make you dinner. (I must say though if they are not used to making you dinner you may get an assortment of frozen pizza, ramen noodles and old crackers) 

2) You don’t have to be depressed or unemployed to sleep all day.

3) It’s perfectly acceptable to watch Judge Judy all day. Any other day I hate daytime television but when I’m sick I can’t get enough.

4) You can wear a mismatch of clothes and wear pajamas everywhere. My outfit today: polka dot tights, oversized sweater, a huge yellow scarf and plaid boots.  You feel like hell so you could care less what people think of you. You may be mistaken for a bag lady but heck your sick take the risk.

5) There’s no point in eating healthy. Your sick you have little or no appetite so what’s the point in eating health food? So eat that whole pie-tell everyone it will make you feel better.

and my favorite

6) You have an excuse not to go to work. If you work with people like I do, no one wants a sick person interacting with the public. Now you can’t do all the things you would like to do on a day off but it’s awesome to feel like your secretly doing something bad.

3 situations that are different for men & women

January 11, 2013 § 2 Comments

ImageIt was Ben’s 30th birthday this Tuesday & with this event I noticed the striking difference between how people view events in a mans life & how they view that same event in a woman’s life. Let me illustrate the 3 most recent examples:

1) Turning 30

What people said to Ben: “Your so accomplished”,”You have your whole life ahead of you”,”30 is just the beginning”,”Your just scratching the surface of a bright future”, “You look so distinguished”,” What a great day!”, “I can’t believe your 30 you still look so young” and Congratulations! You should be so proud”

What people said to me: “It’s all down hill from here.”, “Your not young anymore”, “Are you still not married?”, “When are you going to settle down?”, “it’s time you started to think about what you are REALLY doing with your life”, “I’m so sorry. 30 is horrible.”, “You should really start using a moisturizer.Your skin starts to age when you turn 30.” and “Your just that much closer to 40” (*BONUS* I got a reminder for my yearly mammogram)

2) Getting a second cat

What people said to Ben: “Oh that’s great. Your so amazing taking in another cat.”, “Your so lucky”, “Your such a sensitive guy”, “I hope you adopt 3 more” and “That’s SO adorable”

What people said to me: “Oh no your becoming a cat lady”, “lucky you have a boyfriend”, “I better not see you on animal hoarders”,”How many cats is that now? 8.”, “Jeez, wasn’t one enough?” and “Oh god your 30, have multiple cats and unmarried ( and then they just walked away)

3) Christmas/Holidays

What people said to Ben: “How was your holiday?”, “What did Michelle get you?”,”Was Santa good to you?”,”You deserve a long vacation.”, “Have a great week playing with your new toys.” and “Merry Christmas!”

What people said to me: “Did you get a ring?”, “Was there a ring under the tree?”, “Are you engaged?”, “Did you get a ring?”, “Where’s the ring?” and “Did you get a ring?”

9 reasons I may be the stupidest person I know

January 6, 2013 § 1 Comment

ImageSo for the most part I consider myself intelligent. I read books without any pictures, I can carry on a conversation about current events, I can write coherent sentences & I even teach students,  so I know I don’t lack knowledge. All that beng said every once in a while I’m reminded of how utterly stupid I can be. Maybe stupidity isn’t the right word just totally unaware of the obvious (no I can’t sugar coat it it’s stupidity) Now since I consider you all friends I’m going to share 7 stories of utter stupidity with you so you can all feel better about yourselves & get a laugh at my expense. Ok here we go:

1) I just realized that if you put Kanga and Roo from Winnie the Pooh together it’s a Kangaroo (no seriously this blew my mind)

2) I thought the Hatfield’s & The McCoy’s was a mini-series on Enron & Bernie Madoff

3) In Cast Away with Tom Hanks I just thought Wilson was a clever name. Imagine my surprise when I was in WalMart & saw a whole bunch of volley ball’s with Wilson on them. You may think I put and two together but no I said “Oh they renamed them because of the film”

4) As me and Ben were taking a hike one day he asked me “Hey do you know what the Rock says?” to which I answered “Umm duh, “Can you smell what the Rock is cooking” I didn’t see why suddenly he was crying in laughter. Between him gasping for breathe he pointed to a historical monument in the shape of a rock with writing on it. Apparently he had meant the actual Rock and not my favorite wrestler turned actor The Rock.

5) Another Tom Hanks shocker in the movie Forrest Gump I was always baffled by why they showed Forrest with John Lennon. When we were watching that particular part I voiced my confusion for this “This part of the film doesn’t make any sense. Every other part has a point why is he having a conversation with John Lennon that leads nowhere” Ben just put on the song “Imagine” & walked out of the room with his head down. 

6) Ben was watching the movie Amadeus and I asked what it was about. He gave me a blank stare and said “Umm Mozart” to which I said “What does Amadeus have to do with Mozart?” Apparently Mozart had a first name-who knew?

7) I thought Napoleon crossed the Delaware not George Washington (they both had blue jackets with buttons it’s confusing)

8) Jersey Boys turns out is not a musical adaption of “The Jersey Shore”(although I still say it would sell like crazy)

and finally

9) All these years I have been mishearing the song lyrics to a Prince song. I was singing in the car and Ben gave me one of his looks “What are you singing?” “this song” I replied “It’s Raspberry Beret not Raspberry Chevrolet. Why would you think it said Chevrolet?” “I thought it was the sequel to “Little Red Corvette”” It was not.

Hopefully after reading these if you are ever feeling down you can say “well at least I’m not as dumb as that woman” YOUR WELCOME.

5 ways not to look like a nomad this holiday season

December 30, 2012 § Leave a comment

ImageWinter is upon us and I have a few easy tips to not be mistaken for a homeless nomad. I live in Erie, PA the epicenter for a snow dump yard. Many days I need to just need to go outside to grab some gas, pick up a pizza or just a snack (ok tubs of Ben & Jerry’s) from the gas station. What I learned from doing this last year is that I kind of resembled a homeless Italian grandmother. So I have complied some full proof tips to avoid actually getting ready but still not scare the towns people.

1) Invest in Black Pajama’s or Yoga Pants. Why? Because at first glance they can be mistaken for actual pants. Stay away from any PJ’s with prints on them especially the Christmas penguins that I tried to rock out last year. In retrospect I looked liked a mental patient out on a day pass.

2) Invest in a very big, very distracting scarf. Why? You can wrap it around your neck which can help in a variety of areas. It hides all the stains on your shirt, it distracts people long enough to think you put effort into your appearance and it will fool people into thinking you are cold like everyone else & not suffering from hot flashes-Perfect!

3) Resist the urge to tuck your pants into your boots. This may be hard but resist it, do not give in to the dark side.

4) If you wear glasses like me invest in a pair with the biggest, blackest rims possible. Why? The bigger the rims the less area where people can see your eyes. No eyes visible no makeup required.

5) No floppy winter hats. It’s a dead give away that you haven’t washed your hair in days. Put your hair in a messy bun & throw in snow for good measure. People will assume you tried and it was just a victim to the windy conditions outside.

Hope these help and good luck out there.

Hey do you have a tip? Feel free to share it in the comments.

{ duct tape & the D cup }

August 2, 2012 § 3 Comments

I recently had a striking loss in my life, that’s right my favorite bra is on it’s last legs (well straps). You know that bra that no matter what outfit you have on it makes you look amazing. The bra that no matter what cut of neckline it always works. The bra that somehow never needs adjusting and is so comfortable you can sleep all night in it. You know the bra that when you finally find the perfect size, cut, brand and color; they suddenly stop selling. I mean it’s like it never existed not online or in the stores. Ask the saleswoman and she’ll give you a blank stare like you have invented a ghost bra that never existed. Did little bra elves and fairies drop this one bra in the store just for you and then never to be heard from again? But needless to say when you have “the bra” you want to keep it for as long as humanly possible, you make sure it goes in the locked safe just in case you get robbed.

Unfortunately the other day it happened. I was lifting a huge box and I hear a rip (I was overjoyed to see my pants were still in tact and my ass was not exposed) But upon closer inspection I found that my favorite bras underwire had broken in two and was jetting outside of the fabric. That’s right I have worn it so many times that the metal gave way. Now what would a normal person do? They would buy a new bra and be done with it. What did I do? I got some medical tape and taped it back together. So my beautiful black lace bra now has a huge mass of plastic tape around the bottom. Yes I am aware that it looks insane and probably looks as ridiculous as those people that attach their car windows with duct tape and plastic bags, but I was not giving up hope.

So I am wearing my bra and quite frankly pretty darn impressed with myself and my combination of MacGyver & Project Runway smarts. From the outside you can’t even tell, like always it looks perfect and my outfit looks amazing. So I didn’t hestitae wearing it to my doctors appointment. It was just a rountine checkup, he usually just asks me to breathe, checks my throat and I’m out of there. We are in the middle of take a deep breathe in, when he says “Michelle Your breathing is a little uneven and your heart rate is a  little elevated I would like to an EKG just to make sure there’s no cause for alarm. I’m going to get a nurse in here but I need to you get in a gown but you can keep your bra on” Then it hits me, not that I might have some weird heart diesease but I a wearing my bra that is held together by tape and dreams.Shit what the hell am I supposed to do? I guess I could run out of here & blame it on the hormones, it also occurs to me that I could just take off my bra but that would mean the nurse is walking in on some crazy topless woman.No I have to accept what is coming, so I take a deep breathe and the nurse starts putting wires on my chest and then hones in on the huge patch of tape wrapped around the underwire of my bra. I can tell she doen’t want to bring attention to her staring but really she can’t pull her eyes away she’s really trying to figure out what the hell is going on or thinking “She didn’t look homeless when she walked in” She went the route of ignoring it completely (which was fine with me, we will both ignore the crazy woman in the bra held together by tape) just when I thought I was out of the woods I heard the following “We aren’t getting an accurate reading I need to slip this under your bra” (I still believe she just came up with this to get closer to my tape bra) I start to take off the bra and realize that with it being so hot today the tape has actually melted onto my skin and I’m going to have to rip this off like a friggin band-aid. So with a huge smack I finally got it off and realized it was time for a new bra (Maybe?)

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