6 questions about a hysterectomy that you are too embarrassed to ask

January 18, 2013 § 2 Comments

ImageA hysterectomy for most women is a personal & overwhelming life style change. More often than not women find it very embarrassing. Especially young women. Luckily I have no shame so I am going to answer questions that maybe you are too uncomfortable to ask.

1) Will I gain weight?

Yes. I wish this wasn’t true but it is. Ignore all that business about “well if you just eat right” I ate all organic vegetarian food and I still gained 20 pounds. It’s normal, it sucks but it’s normal. The up side: This should NOT be reason to rule this out. It eventually evens out & you will go back to your normal self. Plus in the mean time enjoy it ( I know am I crazy) Take advantage of the fact no one will say anything because you’ve had surgery for god’s sake and really your the only one who will notice-Promise.

2) Will I loose bladder control?

Yes and No. Some women (usually older) will have problems with bladder control, but with younger women you should not have a problem. But I will fill you in on a little known secret, (doctors didn’t not warn me of this possibility) So we are friends so I have no problem telling you my pee story. Two days after my surgery I stood up and just peed, oh yeah no warning just pee. Luckily no one was home (except the cat who found it hilarious) and luckily it only happened once. The up side: You just got to hear a story about me peeing myself what more of an up side do you need?

3) Will I loose interest in sex?

No. In fact you might be a bit more frisky. Without the pain that caused you to get a hysterectomy and without the worry about getting knocked up you will be back to your vixen self in no time. The up side: This is more for your life partner but with this added bonus he won’t care so much when you are a emotional wreck.

4) How bad are hot flashes?

Fuckin horrible.  Don’t let any quack tell you that it’s just a matter of being warm. It feels like you are in a sauna. You will feel like you have a fever and are on fire from the inside. And don’t let the name fool you it’s never a flash. It can last for a minute or and half an hour. Be aware of the night sweats as well they are the worst. The up side: I haven’t had to buy a winter coat for two years and our heat bills in the winter have been drastically lowered.

5) Do I still need to see my gynecologist?

Yes. Don’t be ashamed of this question my mom (who is a nurse asked me this) You still have lady parts so yes you still have to see your gynecologist. The up side: Have fun with it. Tell them you think your pregnant. Trust me it’s hilarious.

6) How bad are the mood swings?

Perhaps I should let Ben to answer this question because he has been on the receiving end of my  ,um shall we say “outbursts”. They are pretty bad I remember crying because I only had one Oreo cookie left (in retrospect this may been my reaction before menopause). The worst was Ben came home and asked me how my day was and I almost killed him with a shoe. Understand that this is normal and they are uncontrollable(despite what any one else tells you) The up side: You now have a perfect excuse to get out of any situation. Start crying people will just walk away.

So do you have a question? Seriously nothing is off limits. I would love to answer it for you. Leave your questions in the comments below.

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You can buy a gun at WalMart but it takes me 20 minutes to buy Sudafed

January 17, 2013 § 2 Comments

ImageOne of the side effects of surgical menopause is that you have absolutely no immunity. None. If you see a sick person on TV you will be sick in two days. So it being flu season it is no surprise that I have a bitch of a sinus infection. However it is surprising that’s it’s easier to buy a gun at WalMart than it is to get Sudafed. This is not an anti or pro gun post. I think everyone can agree that we are more safe with me not having a gun. I once thought my neighbor was the Zodiac killer so it’s better that I remain unarmed. 

Right now I could go into WalMart get a gun, I can buy 20 cartons of cigarettes, I can buy 32 bottles of vodka and I can even buy all the porn I want. But this is what happened at my local drug store. So let me set the scene for you: I look like death warmed over. I have on penguin pajama’s, and kleenex stuffed into my shirt sleeves. For those of you who don’t know me I am also 5’0 and have a huge mess of red hair. Basically I look like a unsexy, untalented version of Adele. Obviously I am running a meth lab( I can’t figure out how to make brownies let alone meth). I go to the pharmacist and take him the little card of what I want and he looks at me like he has just spotted one of “America’s Most Wanted”. He asks to see my license and literally looks at me, back at the license, looks at me, back at the license and must do this 5 more times (I am lucky this guy was never at the door of the bars I used to get into in college) He then takes my license and tells me to take a seat. So there I am sitting in my penguin pajama’s and blowing my nose. I look like a homeless woman who has wandered in to escape the cold. 

After 20 minutes (this is not an exaggeration) he calls me up to the counter and asks me these series of questions “Are you buying these for you?”,”Have you purchased these in the past 6 months”, “Do you go to any other pharmacies?”, “Do you ever watch “Breaking Bad”?(Ok he didn’t ask me that but he might as well have) So after looking very suspiciously at me he turns his back to me, takes a key from around his neck and unlocks and huge metal box. Again I can pick up a gun and carry it through the store while I buy Kathy Ireland underwear but cold medicine is kept in Fort Knox. I am finally allowed to have my pack of Sudafed . The price tage $2.19. Seriously all that for something that costs less than a Milky Way. So I leave the store with my medicine clutched under my arm like Gollum & the ring( to be fair I think the whole Lord of the Rings trilogy was shorter than my ordeal. I secretly think that was what the whole journey was for. Frodo had a cold and he had to find a pharmacy that would give him a decongestant ).

I have my medicine but every once in a while I look down at them and mutter “My precious”

Why it can be awesome to be home sick!

January 17, 2013 § 1 Comment

Image

pretty sure this is what i look like

We all know it sucks to be sick but in an effort to look on the more positive side of things I am listing some reasons it’s sometime awesome to be sick.

1) People are obligated to take care of you. This right here is a reason to get married. No matter how much of an ugly troll you are, they have to tell you are beautiful & make you dinner. (I must say though if they are not used to making you dinner you may get an assortment of frozen pizza, ramen noodles and old crackers) 

2) You don’t have to be depressed or unemployed to sleep all day.

3) It’s perfectly acceptable to watch Judge Judy all day. Any other day I hate daytime television but when I’m sick I can’t get enough.

4) You can wear a mismatch of clothes and wear pajamas everywhere. My outfit today: polka dot tights, oversized sweater, a huge yellow scarf and plaid boots.  You feel like hell so you could care less what people think of you. You may be mistaken for a bag lady but heck your sick take the risk.

5) There’s no point in eating healthy. Your sick you have little or no appetite so what’s the point in eating health food? So eat that whole pie-tell everyone it will make you feel better.

and my favorite

6) You have an excuse not to go to work. If you work with people like I do, no one wants a sick person interacting with the public. Now you can’t do all the things you would like to do on a day off but it’s awesome to feel like your secretly doing something bad.

3 situations that are different for men & women

January 11, 2013 § 2 Comments

ImageIt was Ben’s 30th birthday this Tuesday & with this event I noticed the striking difference between how people view events in a mans life & how they view that same event in a woman’s life. Let me illustrate the 3 most recent examples:

1) Turning 30

What people said to Ben: “Your so accomplished”,”You have your whole life ahead of you”,”30 is just the beginning”,”Your just scratching the surface of a bright future”, “You look so distinguished”,” What a great day!”, “I can’t believe your 30 you still look so young” and Congratulations! You should be so proud”

What people said to me: “It’s all down hill from here.”, “Your not young anymore”, “Are you still not married?”, “When are you going to settle down?”, “it’s time you started to think about what you are REALLY doing with your life”, “I’m so sorry. 30 is horrible.”, “You should really start using a moisturizer.Your skin starts to age when you turn 30.” and “Your just that much closer to 40” (*BONUS* I got a reminder for my yearly mammogram)

2) Getting a second cat

What people said to Ben: “Oh that’s great. Your so amazing taking in another cat.”, “Your so lucky”, “Your such a sensitive guy”, “I hope you adopt 3 more” and “That’s SO adorable”

What people said to me: “Oh no your becoming a cat lady”, “lucky you have a boyfriend”, “I better not see you on animal hoarders”,”How many cats is that now? 8.”, “Jeez, wasn’t one enough?” and “Oh god your 30, have multiple cats and unmarried ( and then they just walked away)

3) Christmas/Holidays

What people said to Ben: “How was your holiday?”, “What did Michelle get you?”,”Was Santa good to you?”,”You deserve a long vacation.”, “Have a great week playing with your new toys.” and “Merry Christmas!”

What people said to me: “Did you get a ring?”, “Was there a ring under the tree?”, “Are you engaged?”, “Did you get a ring?”, “Where’s the ring?” and “Did you get a ring?”

5 ways not to look like a nomad this holiday season

December 30, 2012 § Leave a comment

ImageWinter is upon us and I have a few easy tips to not be mistaken for a homeless nomad. I live in Erie, PA the epicenter for a snow dump yard. Many days I need to just need to go outside to grab some gas, pick up a pizza or just a snack (ok tubs of Ben & Jerry’s) from the gas station. What I learned from doing this last year is that I kind of resembled a homeless Italian grandmother. So I have complied some full proof tips to avoid actually getting ready but still not scare the towns people.

1) Invest in Black Pajama’s or Yoga Pants. Why? Because at first glance they can be mistaken for actual pants. Stay away from any PJ’s with prints on them especially the Christmas penguins that I tried to rock out last year. In retrospect I looked liked a mental patient out on a day pass.

2) Invest in a very big, very distracting scarf. Why? You can wrap it around your neck which can help in a variety of areas. It hides all the stains on your shirt, it distracts people long enough to think you put effort into your appearance and it will fool people into thinking you are cold like everyone else & not suffering from hot flashes-Perfect!

3) Resist the urge to tuck your pants into your boots. This may be hard but resist it, do not give in to the dark side.

4) If you wear glasses like me invest in a pair with the biggest, blackest rims possible. Why? The bigger the rims the less area where people can see your eyes. No eyes visible no makeup required.

5) No floppy winter hats. It’s a dead give away that you haven’t washed your hair in days. Put your hair in a messy bun & throw in snow for good measure. People will assume you tried and it was just a victim to the windy conditions outside.

Hope these help and good luck out there.

Hey do you have a tip? Feel free to share it in the comments.

{ duct tape & the D cup }

August 2, 2012 § 3 Comments

I recently had a striking loss in my life, that’s right my favorite bra is on it’s last legs (well straps). You know that bra that no matter what outfit you have on it makes you look amazing. The bra that no matter what cut of neckline it always works. The bra that somehow never needs adjusting and is so comfortable you can sleep all night in it. You know the bra that when you finally find the perfect size, cut, brand and color; they suddenly stop selling. I mean it’s like it never existed not online or in the stores. Ask the saleswoman and she’ll give you a blank stare like you have invented a ghost bra that never existed. Did little bra elves and fairies drop this one bra in the store just for you and then never to be heard from again? But needless to say when you have “the bra” you want to keep it for as long as humanly possible, you make sure it goes in the locked safe just in case you get robbed.

Unfortunately the other day it happened. I was lifting a huge box and I hear a rip (I was overjoyed to see my pants were still in tact and my ass was not exposed) But upon closer inspection I found that my favorite bras underwire had broken in two and was jetting outside of the fabric. That’s right I have worn it so many times that the metal gave way. Now what would a normal person do? They would buy a new bra and be done with it. What did I do? I got some medical tape and taped it back together. So my beautiful black lace bra now has a huge mass of plastic tape around the bottom. Yes I am aware that it looks insane and probably looks as ridiculous as those people that attach their car windows with duct tape and plastic bags, but I was not giving up hope.

So I am wearing my bra and quite frankly pretty darn impressed with myself and my combination of MacGyver & Project Runway smarts. From the outside you can’t even tell, like always it looks perfect and my outfit looks amazing. So I didn’t hestitae wearing it to my doctors appointment. It was just a rountine checkup, he usually just asks me to breathe, checks my throat and I’m out of there. We are in the middle of take a deep breathe in, when he says “Michelle Your breathing is a little uneven and your heart rate is a  little elevated I would like to an EKG just to make sure there’s no cause for alarm. I’m going to get a nurse in here but I need to you get in a gown but you can keep your bra on” Then it hits me, not that I might have some weird heart diesease but I a wearing my bra that is held together by tape and dreams.Shit what the hell am I supposed to do? I guess I could run out of here & blame it on the hormones, it also occurs to me that I could just take off my bra but that would mean the nurse is walking in on some crazy topless woman.No I have to accept what is coming, so I take a deep breathe and the nurse starts putting wires on my chest and then hones in on the huge patch of tape wrapped around the underwire of my bra. I can tell she doen’t want to bring attention to her staring but really she can’t pull her eyes away she’s really trying to figure out what the hell is going on or thinking “She didn’t look homeless when she walked in” She went the route of ignoring it completely (which was fine with me, we will both ignore the crazy woman in the bra held together by tape) just when I thought I was out of the woods I heard the following “We aren’t getting an accurate reading I need to slip this under your bra” (I still believe she just came up with this to get closer to my tape bra) I start to take off the bra and realize that with it being so hot today the tape has actually melted onto my skin and I’m going to have to rip this off like a friggin band-aid. So with a huge smack I finally got it off and realized it was time for a new bra (Maybe?)

{ it’s my birthday & i’ll cry if i want to }

May 19, 2012 § 3 Comments

me at 20

Last year I turned 30 and went through menopause all in the same year, so one would think I would have nothing to fear from this birthday (I mean short of me being in the same room with all my ex’s, me gaining 30 pounds or suddenly realizing they forgot to take out my uterus this should be a piece of cake…mmmmm. I want cake) So I was really surprised with the growing anxiety of my impending birthday. You know those people that say things like “age is just a number” and “your only as old as you feel” well frankly they piss me off and they are only saying it because either they are a hell of lot younger than you or because they know they look friggin’ old. Also I just heard some annoying jackass on TV refer to 30 as being middle-aged, they should censor shit like that. If you are going to fine Janet Jackson (Miss Jackson if your nasty) for showing her boob ( I’m sorry her middle-aged boob) then the FCC should fine that idiot,t00.

So in celebration of me turning 30 (for the second time) I am listing 10 instances of why I’m glad I’m 30 and not 20 anymore:

At 20: I once had a boyfriend who waited a month to break up with because he wouldn’t have a ride to school At 30: My boyfriend owns his own car (and it runs)

At 20: 2 items from the dollar menu came dangerously close to over-withdrawing my bank account At 30: I have overdraw protection and a savings account

At 20: I thought all wine came in a box  At 30: I actually have unopened bottles that I’m purposely saving

At 20: I used to buy Bartles & James from my local Rite Aid  At 30: I visit wineries & local vineyards

At 20: I only owned one pair of shoes  At 30: I have a cute pair for every outfit and occasion

At 20: Some of my part-time jobs included ( I am not making these up): Magicians Assistant, Face Painter, Merch Chick for local punk band, Living Art Model and Thrift Store Sorter  At 30: I teach students in their twenties

At 20: Some of my ex boyfriends included ( I’m not making these up either): A Magician, An anarchist, a guy who looked like a pterodactyl, a guy who had the entire Lord of the Rings story tattooed on his arms, a guy named Cooter,  a guy who roller bladded inside the house and a guy who asked to borrow $20 bucks to get to another girls house At 30: Dating the same man for 7 years (even if he irons his sweater vests, weirdo)

At 20: Always worried that I was pregnant  At 30: Never have to be worried about pregnancy again

At 20: Was trying to get everyone to like me  At 30: Everyone should like me because I’m so friggin awesome & if they don’t they are obviously the person with the problem

At 20: I thought 30 was really far away  At 30: 40 seems right around the corner (wait that’s not better, shit)

me at 30

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