January 19, 2013 § 2 Comments
Awhile back in an effort to improve myself (why does this statement always led to a dark, disappointing road) I had the idea that I needed more culture in my life. My plan was to read all the books on the “100 books you should read before you die”list. These are the classics, these are the books people talk about at dinner parties (now I don’t go to dinner parties but maybe it’s because I haven’t read these books) My plan was perfect, this is exactly what I need to be the more intelligent, more sophisticated Michelle.
I started off with Wuthering Heights. Seriously I have never read a more depressing book in my life. This is supposed to be a romance but instead the guy verbally abuses his wife while lusting after a friggin’ ghost. However, I was not going to be discouraged so I moved on to the Grapes of Wrath, which I have to confess I could not get past the drought.I was hoping it was about wine(you know like Sideways) Then on to starving & TB in Les’Miserables and pedophilia in Lolita. What the hell? I thought these were supposed to be good, uplifting books. I’m now just depressed and kind of grossed out. Ok, American Psycho that’s on the list. Holy Shit, this book is disgusting and scary as hell. It should have been titled hookers & chainsaws to warn people. Seriously, I still have nightmares about this damn book. At this point I am starting to question my project but me being stubborn I am determined to stick with it.
After going through 40 or more books (that I could not bring myself to finish) I was subjected to a man who made perfume out of his murder victims, women having affairs in Russia, a lot of women who need to earn there place in society by having long walks & lots of talks about hourses, poverty in Brooklyn, poverty in London, poverty in France and a lot of references to Hemingway’s penis. These are what people should be reading? Really? If anything this encouraged me to never want to read (or leave my house for fear of being attacked by a murderous impoverished orphan) So I have happily accepted to be not a “literary intellect” and instead I’m going to grab my copy of Tina Fey’s new book, a glass of wine and enjoy the potential conversations with my cats about this classic.
January 11, 2013 § 2 Comments
It was Ben’s 30th birthday this Tuesday & with this event I noticed the striking difference between how people view events in a mans life & how they view that same event in a woman’s life. Let me illustrate the 3 most recent examples:
1) Turning 30
What people said to Ben: “Your so accomplished”,”You have your whole life ahead of you”,”30 is just the beginning”,”Your just scratching the surface of a bright future”, “You look so distinguished”,” What a great day!”, “I can’t believe your 30 you still look so young” and Congratulations! You should be so proud”
What people said to me: “It’s all down hill from here.”, “Your not young anymore”, “Are you still not married?”, “When are you going to settle down?”, “it’s time you started to think about what you are REALLY doing with your life”, “I’m so sorry. 30 is horrible.”, “You should really start using a moisturizer.Your skin starts to age when you turn 30.” and “Your just that much closer to 40” (*BONUS* I got a reminder for my yearly mammogram)
2) Getting a second cat
What people said to Ben: “Oh that’s great. Your so amazing taking in another cat.”, “Your so lucky”, “Your such a sensitive guy”, “I hope you adopt 3 more” and “That’s SO adorable”
What people said to me: “Oh no your becoming a cat lady”, “lucky you have a boyfriend”, “I better not see you on animal hoarders”,”How many cats is that now? 8.”, “Jeez, wasn’t one enough?” and “Oh god your 30, have multiple cats and unmarried ( and then they just walked away)
What people said to Ben: “How was your holiday?”, “What did Michelle get you?”,”Was Santa good to you?”,”You deserve a long vacation.”, “Have a great week playing with your new toys.” and “Merry Christmas!”
What people said to me: “Did you get a ring?”, “Was there a ring under the tree?”, “Are you engaged?”, “Did you get a ring?”, “Where’s the ring?” and “Did you get a ring?”
January 6, 2013 § 1 Comment
So for the most part I consider myself intelligent. I read books without any pictures, I can carry on a conversation about current events, I can write coherent sentences & I even teach students, so I know I don’t lack knowledge. All that beng said every once in a while I’m reminded of how utterly stupid I can be. Maybe stupidity isn’t the right word just totally unaware of the obvious (no I can’t sugar coat it it’s stupidity) Now since I consider you all friends I’m going to share 7 stories of utter stupidity with you so you can all feel better about yourselves & get a laugh at my expense. Ok here we go:
1) I just realized that if you put Kanga and Roo from Winnie the Pooh together it’s a Kangaroo (no seriously this blew my mind)
2) I thought the Hatfield’s & The McCoy’s was a mini-series on Enron & Bernie Madoff
3) In Cast Away with Tom Hanks I just thought Wilson was a clever name. Imagine my surprise when I was in WalMart & saw a whole bunch of volley ball’s with Wilson on them. You may think I put and two together but no I said “Oh they renamed them because of the film”
4) As me and Ben were taking a hike one day he asked me “Hey do you know what the Rock says?” to which I answered “Umm duh, “Can you smell what the Rock is cooking” I didn’t see why suddenly he was crying in laughter. Between him gasping for breathe he pointed to a historical monument in the shape of a rock with writing on it. Apparently he had meant the actual Rock and not my favorite wrestler turned actor The Rock.
5) Another Tom Hanks shocker in the movie Forrest Gump I was always baffled by why they showed Forrest with John Lennon. When we were watching that particular part I voiced my confusion for this “This part of the film doesn’t make any sense. Every other part has a point why is he having a conversation with John Lennon that leads nowhere” Ben just put on the song “Imagine” & walked out of the room with his head down.
6) Ben was watching the movie Amadeus and I asked what it was about. He gave me a blank stare and said “Umm Mozart” to which I said “What does Amadeus have to do with Mozart?” Apparently Mozart had a first name-who knew?
7) I thought Napoleon crossed the Delaware not George Washington (they both had blue jackets with buttons it’s confusing)
8) Jersey Boys turns out is not a musical adaption of “The Jersey Shore”(although I still say it would sell like crazy)
9) All these years I have been mishearing the song lyrics to a Prince song. I was singing in the car and Ben gave me one of his looks “What are you singing?” “this song” I replied “It’s Raspberry Beret not Raspberry Chevrolet. Why would you think it said Chevrolet?” “I thought it was the sequel to “Little Red Corvette”” It was not.
Hopefully after reading these if you are ever feeling down you can say “well at least I’m not as dumb as that woman” YOUR WELCOME.
December 30, 2012 § Leave a comment
Winter is upon us and I have a few easy tips to not be mistaken for a homeless nomad. I live in Erie, PA the epicenter for a snow dump yard. Many days I need to just need to go outside to grab some gas, pick up a pizza or just a snack (ok tubs of Ben & Jerry’s) from the gas station. What I learned from doing this last year is that I kind of resembled a homeless Italian grandmother. So I have complied some full proof tips to avoid actually getting ready but still not scare the towns people.
1) Invest in Black Pajama’s or Yoga Pants. Why? Because at first glance they can be mistaken for actual pants. Stay away from any PJ’s with prints on them especially the Christmas penguins that I tried to rock out last year. In retrospect I looked liked a mental patient out on a day pass.
2) Invest in a very big, very distracting scarf. Why? You can wrap it around your neck which can help in a variety of areas. It hides all the stains on your shirt, it distracts people long enough to think you put effort into your appearance and it will fool people into thinking you are cold like everyone else & not suffering from hot flashes-Perfect!
3) Resist the urge to tuck your pants into your boots. This may be hard but resist it, do not give in to the dark side.
4) If you wear glasses like me invest in a pair with the biggest, blackest rims possible. Why? The bigger the rims the less area where people can see your eyes. No eyes visible no makeup required.
5) No floppy winter hats. It’s a dead give away that you haven’t washed your hair in days. Put your hair in a messy bun & throw in snow for good measure. People will assume you tried and it was just a victim to the windy conditions outside.
Hope these help and good luck out there.
Hey do you have a tip? Feel free to share it in the comments.
November 29, 2012 § Leave a comment
When you have menopause when you are in your twenties you get to have ads sent to for the next 40 years of your life. Most are ridiculous(ok all of them are) and clearly have no idea what a women going through menopause actually wants or needs. Quite frankly I would like to not be reminded of menopause every time I open up my inbox, what happened to the good old days when all I had to worry about was pyramid schemes and sex toy spam. Instead I am being stalked by the AARP. So attached is the newest email I got to look at. For all of those you who might be new to menopause first welcome and second these offers might be very tempting but let me breakdown this ad for you. Clearly this woman has never been through menopause, how do I know? well firstly she is smiling in her underwear. No woman who has just had abdominal surgery is happy when she looks at herself in her underwear. Oh, but she has a towel to wrap around her, after a hysterectomy I needed a wedding tent to completely cover up. Secondly, read the headline “Doctor’s Breakthrough” I hate to say this but no doctors are working on this they have erectile dysfunction to work on, it’s probably just Bayer Aspirin in a pink bottle. Third, there’s no such fucking thing as “menopause belly” if it existed why is it in quotes. Lastly, this woman looks like she is on the way to the beach, NO woman experiencing hot flashes is on her way to the beach. Your daily life is a day at the hot beach, you want to sweat you can just stay inside your house you don’t have to lie on hot sand. I have never heard a menopausal woman say ” I’m hot as hell you know what will really cool me off and day under the hot sun”
November 21, 2012 § 1 Comment
Oh you read the headline right, I pretty sure I am like a magnet to a compass only I destroy all uterus’s that come in my vincity. I’m pretty sure I might be the Bermuda Triangle of reproductive health.About two weeks ago we started to see a stray cat at our back door and slowly began trying to lure it with food (hell I would go into a strangers house if they had random free treats), finally we built up enough trust to get her inside. We had every intention of giving her a warm bed and meal and then off to our local shelter in the morning. However 1 hour later and one huge set of Puss’n’Boots eyes later it was pretty clear she wasn’t going anywhere. The next day I had a appointment with the vet to get her checked out, as they ran all the tests I was in the waiting room ready Dog Fancy. The vet soon called me back and gave me a run down of all the things wrong with her but easily fixed but then came this statement “and she’s pregnant!” “Pregnant?” Great of all the kittens I had to take in I got the town tramp.Oh god what if she was a cat hooker and her pimp will be coming looking for her. As understanding as Ben had been about one cat I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to be able to hide a littler of kittens (although I was already starting to think of hiding places, that’s not a kitten it’s just one of those googly eye cat clocks) As I was absorbing this information he leaned in, looked both ways and whispered “However, we can fix that with the spay, if your beliefs allow you” Holy crap he’s talking about a kitty abortion (perhaps I’m naive but I didn’t know there was such a thing) I am a feminist by nature and always vote for pro-choice but I didn’t know the rules for cats. Then I had this vision of me walking in the door and being surrounded by cat protesters with their pro-life signs & heckling us by throwing cat toys. Would she be shunned by the community & become an outcast amongst the other animals. Does Roe vs Wade apply to cats?
Let me fast forward to the next appointment where the vet comes out and says “Well she’s not pregnant she just has an infected, inflamed uterus” (Ahhh this brings me back) With that information my new kitty had to have a hysterectomy. After all the drama that I had to go through to get one I was a little amazed all it took was me saying “Ok”. No “what if she wants children someday?”, “she’s not getting any younger” or “maybe she should go home and ask her husband first” (oh yeah that happened to me) Just hey she’s sick lets take it out. She didn’t have to put her paw on a paper that said “we can’t put it back” (yes that happened to me as well) Just a 3 days, mine took me just under 10 years.
Last night we were all curled up on the couch me, Ben, Page (our first cat) and Zephyr (our new cat) not one uterus between the four of us. I’m sure Ben was feeling out numbered and thanking his lucky stars that cats don’t go through menopause or he wouldn’t have a chance.
October 21, 2012 § Leave a comment
Tonight I got to watch my niece get ready for her first homecoming dance & I discovered one of the reasons getting older sucks. It’s not the number, or the fact you fall asleep at 9:00, it’s not even the fact that you are holding on to the hope to one day fit back into those jeans, it’s the fact that nothing is as exciting as those moments when you are growing up. Seriously, what is as fun as going to your friends house the night of a dance, all of you packed in the bathroom & putting on your makeup (horribly I might add) & having someone else do your hair? When’s the last time you felt as pretty as when you were in high heels that didn’t really fit & lip smackers Dr. Pepper flavor, was the height of sophistication? Was my prom like it was in Pretty in Pink, heck no I’m still waiting for Andrew McCarthy to show up and no one ever spiked the punch(seriously in movies where do those kids get a flask, I’m 30 and don’t know where to get a flask).
What was my prom like you might ask? First of all I went with a closeted junior so he was more interested in the waiters than he was of me. I also learned never go to any event with a man who wears more glitter than you do. Anyway, I really wanted to go with John and I was absolutely head over heels for him and the whole night I just hoped for the perfect high school movie ending (him & his date would be dancing and he would look at me and realize he had been in love with me this whole time, he would push her out of the way and ask me to dance and then a slow song from Ricard Marx would come on-Perfect ending). Instead the dance ended and me and my friends had a sleep over and ate Doritos all night-whats better than that? And that was my point of my rambling (yes there was a point) even though the night wasn’t perfect it was still full of possibilities.(PS if you were hoping for me to say I found John on Facebook years later and he was fat & ugly, I hate to tell you but he is even better looking, has a full head of hair & owns a boat-but on the flip side my gay date is a now male go-go dancer in NYC)
So it got me and my sister law trying to think of what our age comparison would be and we figured attending weddings is the closest thing us grown ups get to an “adult prom”. Some comparisons:
- Highschool Dance: You keep hoping that the boy you like will pull you in his arms Weddings: You hope that creepy guy in the corner doesn’t grap your ass during the locomotion
- Highschool Dance: You hope for a slow dance so you have an excuse to get close to your date Weddings: You pray they won’t play a slow song because you have no idea where the hell your date went to or he’s part of the weeding party so you are forced to sit alone
- Highschool Dance: You are so excited to get dressed up & put on makeup Weddings: You wonder why the hell you had to dress up on a Saturday, this is the day for PJ’s. You have to get dressed up everyday for work the last thing you want to do is have to do your hair on a weekend
- Highschool Dance: Your date buys you a corsage Weddings: Your date buys you shit & complains about how he’s stuck at this wedding
- Highschool Dance: You get to have a sleepover at your friends house Weddings: The only time is acceptable to stay with your friends is when your house is flooded or full of bugs
- Highschool Dance: There’s free food!! Weddings: You had to buy them a $80 blender to get a crappy piece of chicken
- Highschool Dance: You go home floating on cloud nine Weddings: You wonder how the hell that troll looking girl just got married and you are still without a ring
- Highschool Dance: You look forward to see the poster go up in the gym for the next dance Weddings: You get your invitation and you wonder if you can pretend it got lost in the mail
- Highschool Dance: You will never feel prettier Weddings: As a bridesmaid, you will never feel uglier
- Highschool Dance: You are embarrassed that your parents had to drop you off & then pick you up Weddings: You wish you had someone to drive you because there is an open bar