{ murphy’s law & order }

Who would have thought that a invasive mammogram & the discovery of a lump in my breast would not be the most painful experience in my week? Since Wednesday my arm and side have been killing me, I’m pretty sure I pulled a muscle or pinched a nerve during my exam so I was very excited when I woke up today and could move my arm (because frankly I was beginning to look like Igor showing Frankenstein around the castle)

You know those days where the moment you walk into work you just know, the day is going to be bad, well today was going to be that day. I got to work and 4 people had called off (lucky bastards)and people were leaving early, soon I realized I was one of only 4 people who were actually still at work. But I stuck it out and one student fight and one overflowing toilet later it was quitting time. Glasses of wine started to dance in my head and suddenly I was on a mission, punch out and go home to a fabulous glass of wine (so what if it comes from a box, that box was an amazing year) Me and a co-worker who I was taking home get in my car and make our escape leaving the day of chaos behind.

As I was driving it was so nice to vent about our day…………..SMASH!!! That’s right I was rear ended, I mean it was my fault, who stops at a Yield sign when ongoing traffic is coming at you. The best part of rear ended is the part when you look back at your new best friend who is now shaking their fist at you. Ahh yes they are angry at you, you the person who had the audacity to look where they were going, I mean what were you thinking, someone behind you obviously needed to get home faster than you. At that point you can at least get some satisfaction from the fact that you have at least slowed them down a bit ‘Glad you rushed now aren’t you buddy, I now plan on writing your information down as slowly as humanly possible‘ I also like to answer as many questions as possible “Your license number? Your mother’s maiden name? Your high school mascot? Ummm Yes I need to know this my insurances company is very particular”

As with most accidents the adrenaline kicks in so if your hurt you have no idea until you get home and clam down. I managed to drive myself home and then I get home and all of a sudden the room started to spin and I was pretty sure I was going to throw up. On to the emergency room I went (I’d like to add that at this point I have no eaten all day because I was waiting for Friday Chinese takeout, do you think I can add that to my auto claim?).

My favorite thing is the questions they ask you when you get admitted for a car accident “So what seems to be bothering you?” I was in car accident and am in a lot of pain and am feeling sick & dizzy “I see and do you think the two are related?” Well I don’t pretend to be a doctor but if I had to take a shot in the dark I would say, ummmm probably. “Were you awake the whole time or did you blackout, do you remember everything that happened or did you experience memory loss?” If I experienced memory loss how would I know, would I forget that as well? I must preface the next series of questions by saying I have dyslexia and when I’m stressed it gets really bad plus I am an artist in the truest sense of the word, very absent-minded. “Do you know where you are?” Yes. “Do you know what month it is?” Yes. February. “What date is it?” Oh shit I have no idea. Who know what date it is unless it’s their birthday. Ok think, think. Um the 1st, no the 2nd yes definitely the 2nd. I hear my boyfriend clear his throat. No its the 3rd. The doctor looks at Ben and he laughs and says “To be fair she never knows what day it is” The doctor was not convinced and then asks “Ok and easy one, what year is it?” 2002…. No I meant 2012. The doctor looks at his clipboard and then says “Right. I’ll be right back” I look at Ben and I agree as he says “Oh shit he is going to order every test there is.”

So the tests begin, even though I tried to convince him I didn’t have brian damage I was just an idiot, it didn’t work. (Note: these are not made up these are actual tests) Ok follow this laser pointer with your eyes, try and kick me while I hold your legs, spread your fingers out (like jazz hands), now hold my hands and try and push me over, rock to your left while looking up, try and look to your left while one leg is raised, puff out your cheeks, smile real big, now frown, look at my nose while I pull your arms and finally my favorite stick your lounge out and wag it at me.

A CT scan, 2 heavy narcotics and having to say the words “I can’t be pregnant I had a hysterectomy numerous times (to which I got the following two responses “I also had a pregnant woman who told me the same story” and “Well you never know when that thing grows back”) later, I got the ok to go with the diagnosis of whiplash, minor head injury and postconcussive syndrome (and the diagnosis that maybe I should be more aware of which year we are living in). On the bright side I have a whole new bag of drugs I get to try and now I can  hardly remember my painful breast twisting mamamogram, thank you reckless driver.

{ 5 reasons I’d rather have a hysterectomy than deal with an auto body shop }

As you might have read in my previous posts I got into a car accident (and even with all my hormones running it wasn’t me who hit the guy) & my car has been in the shop for over a week so far. After this experience I realize getting hit was the highlight of the whole ordeal. If I had a choice between going through my hysterectomy again or dealing with the body shop that has my car, I wouldn’t even hesitate to be rolled back into surgery. Why you might ask? Well here is a list of why surgery is less painful than dealing with your insurance “preferred” body shop:

1. At least when you have surgery they wheel you everywhere and you don’t have to walk anywhere not the case at my body shop. I thought I was so lucky that I got a front row parking spot right in front of the entrance, turns out there’s a good reason that spot was open. The “front” door is a frickin mirage. I walk in and see a mad looking woman behind bullet proof glass who looks like Ross from Monsters Inc. She doesn’t even wait for me to ask her where to go she just moans and points to another door which leads to yet another door which leads me through a labyrinth (no David Bowie or Muppets though) finally 18 doors and 3 miles later I find my car and some jerky little man who asks “Where the hell did you park? You know we have a special entrance for pickups.”
2. Hospitals may be in a bad part of town but at least they have security guards. When my insurance company gave me the name of a “preferred” auto body shop I said sure what’s the difference. The difference my friends is the possibility of getting shot & robbed on the way there. You want to know how bad it was, Enterprise  the car company that built there whole reputation on the slogan “we’ll pick you up” says “No we don’t go there”
3. They had all the necessary parts on site at the hospital. I don’t recall the doctors waking me up during and saying “Well were sorry to tell you we don’t have that scalpel in stock right now so we have to order that part from Japan.”
4. I only had what I originally went in for. When I woke up from surgery I was pretty doped up but I dodn’t recall this conversation “So we talked about a hysterectomy but when we took a closer look we also found out your kidneys could really use a new coat of paint and you spleen well lets just say it’s rusting out they would have gone eventually. Plus we took a look at your heart and added a pacemaker just in case I figure we just added 5 years of life and up’d the resale value.”
5. And perhaps the most important difference: Drugs, thats right drugs. Both are painful experiences but at least at the hospital they knock you out before putting you through hell and give you pain meds to deal with the lasting effects unlike the auto body shop that makes you go cold turkey.

{ crash into me part 1 }

It was bound to happen, I haven’t seen the inside of a hospital in over 3 months (which for me is some kind of record) so it was really no suprise when I got to visit it again this Friday. But it wasn’t due to any hysterctomy, hormone or womanly issues (also a record), no the reason I was there had to do with a man. A man who literally plowed into the back of my vehicle while my car was stuck in snow. To add some extra fun it was off the highway so he was doing about 35-40 (in a blizzard mind you) needless to say in the war against my little car and his 13 year old gremlin, I lost.

He knocks on my window as I’m draped over the steering wheel and starts yelling at me. Yes you heard me right this guys yells at me for being stuck and in his very important way. One of my favorite lines was “Why the hell did you stop?” It’s early, I’m not only extremly hormonal,I’m in pain and the accident triggered a hot flash so I’m hot as hell too. If I hadn’t been dizzy & worried I was going to pass out I would have summoned my menopausal superhuman strength and hurt that little man (no jury would convict me either)

I manage to drive myself the half mile to work and start feeling not only the normal effects of a car accident but severe stomach pain. Great I swear to god if I need another surgery because of that douche bag, I quit. Fast forward to me calling my doctor and explaining what happened and him basically yelling at me to go directly to the emergency room. Even though it has been 3 months since my surgery I am technically still in recovery so any injury has to be checked out. So emergency room here I come.

My adventures at the ER will be posted in Part 2 tomorrow!