January 6, 2013 § 1 Comment
So for the most part I consider myself intelligent. I read books without any pictures, I can carry on a conversation about current events, I can write coherent sentences & I even teach students, so I know I don’t lack knowledge. All that beng said every once in a while I’m reminded of how utterly stupid I can be. Maybe stupidity isn’t the right word just totally unaware of the obvious (no I can’t sugar coat it it’s stupidity) Now since I consider you all friends I’m going to share 7 stories of utter stupidity with you so you can all feel better about yourselves & get a laugh at my expense. Ok here we go:
1) I just realized that if you put Kanga and Roo from Winnie the Pooh together it’s a Kangaroo (no seriously this blew my mind)
2) I thought the Hatfield’s & The McCoy’s was a mini-series on Enron & Bernie Madoff
3) In Cast Away with Tom Hanks I just thought Wilson was a clever name. Imagine my surprise when I was in WalMart & saw a whole bunch of volley ball’s with Wilson on them. You may think I put and two together but no I said “Oh they renamed them because of the film”
4) As me and Ben were taking a hike one day he asked me “Hey do you know what the Rock says?” to which I answered “Umm duh, “Can you smell what the Rock is cooking” I didn’t see why suddenly he was crying in laughter. Between him gasping for breathe he pointed to a historical monument in the shape of a rock with writing on it. Apparently he had meant the actual Rock and not my favorite wrestler turned actor The Rock.
5) Another Tom Hanks shocker in the movie Forrest Gump I was always baffled by why they showed Forrest with John Lennon. When we were watching that particular part I voiced my confusion for this “This part of the film doesn’t make any sense. Every other part has a point why is he having a conversation with John Lennon that leads nowhere” Ben just put on the song “Imagine” & walked out of the room with his head down.
6) Ben was watching the movie Amadeus and I asked what it was about. He gave me a blank stare and said “Umm Mozart” to which I said “What does Amadeus have to do with Mozart?” Apparently Mozart had a first name-who knew?
7) I thought Napoleon crossed the Delaware not George Washington (they both had blue jackets with buttons it’s confusing)
8) Jersey Boys turns out is not a musical adaption of “The Jersey Shore”(although I still say it would sell like crazy)
9) All these years I have been mishearing the song lyrics to a Prince song. I was singing in the car and Ben gave me one of his looks “What are you singing?” “this song” I replied “It’s Raspberry Beret not Raspberry Chevrolet. Why would you think it said Chevrolet?” “I thought it was the sequel to “Little Red Corvette”” It was not.
Hopefully after reading these if you are ever feeling down you can say “well at least I’m not as dumb as that woman” YOUR WELCOME.
August 28, 2012 § 2 Comments
I was at the grocery store to pick up some bread and I mean real bread people, not whole wheat. Right now there is a stigma to buying anything bread related I swear I could by a bag of crack in an alley and get less disgusted looks than when I buy white bread. Yes, white bread made from Hell’s Kitchen and prepared in the devils oven-but I digress. So as it frequently happens I go in for one thing get distracted by free cheese samples and then suddenly find myself lost in unknown aisle completely confused on how I got there.
This particular instance I am amongst the Depends and female lubricant looking for a way out when I see something amazing. If you are the type of person that does not want to read someone going on about a new product please skip ahead to the end if you don’t mind me gushing over my new found love please read on. So tucked between the hemorrhoid cream, the adult diapers and basically any other product that makes you terrified to get old, there they were. Poise hot flash wipes and hot flash roll on gel. Yes that’s right body wipes that give off a cooling sensation and a roll on gel that guarantees cooling relief for up to 10 minutes-sweet glory! I load these two things in my cart because I don’t care if they are $100 at this point if these work I have found the holy grail of menopause. I get them home and can’t wait to try them so I wipe my face with the cloth & put the gel on my neck-Nothing! Damn I am defeated, well it was worth a shot. So I go about my business start preparing dinner (grumbling on about how some man must have invented these products of deception to give desperate women false hope-did I mention I’m generally crazy) and then all of a sudden it was like I had just entered the arctic circle. You know those commercials where they bite it to a York peppermint patty and they are suddenly dancing with penguins and sliding down igloos-it was like that. It instantly cools your whole body down & totally gets rid of the hot flash/sweat, I think I finally felt what the actual temperature was for the first time in 2 years. Now my instant reaction was to cover myself head to toe with the gel and wrap my face in the cloths, however I resisted temptation because realistically the gel was $7.00 for a small tube so I now was guarding it like Gollum & his precious, thinking any minute the hobbits would be there to take it from me.
There are just two things I wish they did differently 1) Please be aware not all women having hot flashes are on the Golden Girls and maybe find a better place to put this product. It’s not that I’m embarrassed to hang out amongst the female lubricants, denture cream and the prune juice, but I just feel left out as a customer. 2) On the product it says for women over a certain age and I am no where near that age and I have hot flashes, between AARP membership applications coming in the mail & having to make appointments to discuss my menopausal levels I would like one less product to make me feel well beyond my years.
August 2, 2012 § 3 Comments
I recently had a striking loss in my life, that’s right my favorite bra is on it’s last legs (well straps). You know that bra that no matter what outfit you have on it makes you look amazing. The bra that no matter what cut of neckline it always works. The bra that somehow never needs adjusting and is so comfortable you can sleep all night in it. You know the bra that when you finally find the perfect size, cut, brand and color; they suddenly stop selling. I mean it’s like it never existed not online or in the stores. Ask the saleswoman and she’ll give you a blank stare like you have invented a ghost bra that never existed. Did little bra elves and fairies drop this one bra in the store just for you and then never to be heard from again? But needless to say when you have “the bra” you want to keep it for as long as humanly possible, you make sure it goes in the locked safe just in case you get robbed.
Unfortunately the other day it happened. I was lifting a huge box and I hear a rip (I was overjoyed to see my pants were still in tact and my ass was not exposed) But upon closer inspection I found that my favorite bras underwire had broken in two and was jetting outside of the fabric. That’s right I have worn it so many times that the metal gave way. Now what would a normal person do? They would buy a new bra and be done with it. What did I do? I got some medical tape and taped it back together. So my beautiful black lace bra now has a huge mass of plastic tape around the bottom. Yes I am aware that it looks insane and probably looks as ridiculous as those people that attach their car windows with duct tape and plastic bags, but I was not giving up hope.
So I am wearing my bra and quite frankly pretty darn impressed with myself and my combination of MacGyver & Project Runway smarts. From the outside you can’t even tell, like always it looks perfect and my outfit looks amazing. So I didn’t hestitae wearing it to my doctors appointment. It was just a rountine checkup, he usually just asks me to breathe, checks my throat and I’m out of there. We are in the middle of take a deep breathe in, when he says “Michelle Your breathing is a little uneven and your heart rate is a little elevated I would like to an EKG just to make sure there’s no cause for alarm. I’m going to get a nurse in here but I need to you get in a gown but you can keep your bra on” Then it hits me, not that I might have some weird heart diesease but I a wearing my bra that is held together by tape and dreams.Shit what the hell am I supposed to do? I guess I could run out of here & blame it on the hormones, it also occurs to me that I could just take off my bra but that would mean the nurse is walking in on some crazy topless woman.No I have to accept what is coming, so I take a deep breathe and the nurse starts putting wires on my chest and then hones in on the huge patch of tape wrapped around the underwire of my bra. I can tell she doen’t want to bring attention to her staring but really she can’t pull her eyes away she’s really trying to figure out what the hell is going on or thinking “She didn’t look homeless when she walked in” She went the route of ignoring it completely (which was fine with me, we will both ignore the crazy woman in the bra held together by tape) just when I thought I was out of the woods I heard the following “We aren’t getting an accurate reading I need to slip this under your bra” (I still believe she just came up with this to get closer to my tape bra) I start to take off the bra and realize that with it being so hot today the tape has actually melted onto my skin and I’m going to have to rip this off like a friggin band-aid. So with a huge smack I finally got it off and realized it was time for a new bra (Maybe?)
May 24, 2011 § Leave a comment
We just got a Chipotle Grill where I live, this is a HUGE deal for this area. It’s probably the equivalent of the Royal Wedding in Britain (ok not that huge but still a cause for celebration) Why is this so exciting because it means we have a healthy fast food restaurant in our area and I no longer have to convince myself that McDonalds is indeed a healthy choice because they have “apples” in their pie.
I don’t love Chipotle Grill, I LOVE Chipotle Grill! I have been secretly dating Chipotle on the side since it opened it’s doors. I have fantasies about the food when I look at my boyfriend all I see is a giant burrito. Why do I love it so much? Many reasons: 1) The food is all organic and they use fresh ingredients 2) They only have 4 choices & for ordering with my boyfriend that is a gift from the heavens (he once spent 20 minutes just looking at the drink menu at the Cheesecake Factory-after all that he orders a Pepsi) 3) You get to pick and choose what they put on your burrito. I have been compared to Meg Ryan’s character in “When Harry Met Sally” when I order food, I just hate when you can exclude an item you don’t want. And finally and the most important reason Chipotle Grill is amazing is the fact that there is no charge for an extra side of sour cream-Viva La Chipotle.
Before I continue let me tell you that because of my recent medical setback I had to be off my estrogen for 3 weeks throwing me back into full-blown menopause. So I tend to be a little on edge & a bit hormonal. Today was a rough day but no worries Chipotle will make it all better, but what’s this, a new guy on the line. I start to order “A burrito, fajita style, shredded beef, sour cream, cheese and that’s it” and the new guy looks at me from his spoonful of salsa and asks What kind of salsa? “No salsa, thank you” You have to have salsa “No I don’t think I do. That’s why I come here, that’s why i dream of this place you don’t need to have anything you don’t want” C’mon you must want some salsa (At this point I’m thinking dude what is it with you and the salsa. Why don’t you take my salsa and save it for latter since you are such a fan) Well I have to ask my boss. “Seriously” So I see him walk over to the boss, an adorable pink haired girl who I overhear saying “How many times do I have to tell you they don’t need salsa, Ted. Just wrap the burrito. This instance makes me love them even more. So perhaps the cure for a menopause relapse is not estrogen but having a giant burrito with unlimited sour cream and a pissed off boss who has to deal with Ted for the next 5 hours.
March 26, 2011 § 1 Comment
During your stay at the hospital you will meet some wonderful caring people and you will also meet people who really shouldn’t interact with the public at all. I mean if I was a socially awkward human being the point of being a leper perhaps I wouldn’t have chosen a career path that forced me to deal with the public. I have no problem with interacting with “non people” persons on a daily basis but not when I’m going into surgery. If I am going to be in pain & doctors are about to take a trip through my uterus you can muster a smile, dammit.
One of my nurses comes into my room as they were prepping me for surgery & I could tell just by looking at her that she was one step above being locked in the bell tower. She comes at me with this huge needle and says she’s going to put it in my stomach, um I don’t fucking think so Quasimodo. So my lovely boyfriend steps in and starts telling me funny stories about my cat & how when this is all done I’ll get to see her, ok I say I’m ready. So as she was injecting my stomach with a frickin needle she has these comforting words for me “The last time I let my cat alone she managed to escape and was eaten by coyotes.Good luck.”
March 22, 2011 § 2 Comments
It was only yesterday when I was sharing PMS stories with my girlfriends, complaining about cramps & sharing tampons now I find myself sharing stories with my mother. That’s right people I get to go through menopause with my 55-year-old mother (as if my therapist didn’t have enough material to work with)
Me and my mom were at Panera enjoying some Mac & Cheese when my mom asks me “Is it hot in here or is it my hot flashes? Oh no, now you can’t tell either” and starts laughing hysterically, Gee thanks mom. Then she starts listing her symptoms & trying to compare them to mine. I realize at this point that my mom doesn’t realize she is slowly killing me & finds this whole situation perfectly normal. I however do not want to be a 29-year-old experiencing menopause with my mother it feels like a frickin science experiment gone wrong. Soon I will be on the cover of the National Enquirer: Daughter and Mother Experience menopause together & fight over a latin lover (ok so not the latin lover part but they would add some other steamy element to the story)
The straw that broke tha camels back (or on my case the straw that caused extreme lower back pain) is that my mom came by the other day with an article clipping (FYI: my family loves sharing clippings it has become a sickness. Every card, package, Christmas present has a clipping from some periodical hidden within it somewhere.) “Here I clipped this for you It’s a great article about dealing with the symptoms of menopause” Thanks mom, where did you find this one? “My AARP magazine” Sigh, leave it to my mom for having me long for the days of tampons & cramps.
March 17, 2011 § Leave a comment
As if I didn’t need another reason to feel old tonight I got yet another reminder. I’m up late seeing what’s on TV and I land on the Golden Girls. You would think that is the part that makes me old but no, what makes me old is that I now understand & get the jokes on the show.